Messages

Wow, I am overwhelemed by all the reponses. Thank you.. I will respond to each person, for I'm thankful for each response:

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Jdog: It is heartening read your words about emotions leading to new places and that things change and that good things will appear. Thank you for this and the warm welcome. I agree with you that gratitude is very powerful. Being able to feel gratitude for something, anything, has helped me pull through many difficult times. This past week I have started doing a daily gratitude list and it helps.

ah: Your post made me teary. Thank you for being kind and saying that you would invite me for tea and for sharing your insights and feelings. I relate to so much of what you've said. "a life full of trauma has been so much worse than just the trauma itself" >> this is so true. So much to be said about this. I also find it easier to interact and emotionally relate with people who have known hardship. What what you said about picking and choosing the people you like - this is something I am getting my head around. Throughout my life I have allowed people to use me through non-reciprocal, boundary breaking relationships and part of that I think stemmed from being so isolated inside and badly needing social contact. As I have been developing boundaries, I am slowly learning to turn down opportunities for social contact with individuals who show boundary breaking behavior. It's a hard thing to do when I'm craving social contact, but learning to say no despite the lonliness I feel is a neccessary step for me. No more sacrifice myself in exchange for a non-reciprocal 'friendships' as that just leaves me feeling more hollow and more alone. What you said about happy people who have not been through hardship being dull - haha, that's so interesting to hear and a refreshing perspective. Sometimes when I am somewhere public and there are pairs of people around conversing and I can hear what they're saying, I actually try to listen to their conversation because I wonder what do 'normal' people talk about. It is amazing how little substance many of the conversations seem to have.

woodsgnome: Thank you for relating and for sharing some of your story. Yes, you post did make sense to me I am sorry to hear that your friends passed away and that you are alone again. I hope the memories of your friends and the connection you had brings some comfort to you. What you said about being sensitive being a good thing, thank you for saying that, it is something I have at times tried to tell myself. I think I do believe it is a good thing, just find it hard to maintain that view when trying to from healing trauma has taken the center stage in my life now. But some part of me does believe that more sensitive people are needed in this world.

Eyessoblue: Thank you for sharing your thoughts and for relating to my post. I too have read feeling alone as a child is a significant trait of ctpsd and childhood trauma. And thank you for expressing that you would like to get to know me - I rarely get to express myself to other as I have here and so not being rejected for such expressions and actually recieving something of the opposite is a different experience for me. I also agree about affirmations, I use them too and they really help.

Rainagain: Thank you. Yes, from the responses so far it appears that there is supportive and knowledgable people here. I am quite overwhelemed by that right now. What you said here "They wont understand what we know to be true but they themselves are only one or two earth shattering traumas away from being right here with us. They just don't realise it." >> wow, that is such an insightful perspective. It has me really thinking. Thank you for that.

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Given that so many responses have suggested doing volunteer work, I am going to really consider that and look into what options are locally available to me.

I feel very appreciative of all you responses. I have been very scared or unsure about joining an online forum for a long time so it's actually confronting in some way for me to consider that this forum might actually be a genuinely supportive place. I think when a person has been hurt by people, especially the people who were supposed to care about you, it is challenging to understand when you receive the opposite of what you've come to expect from people. I am probably going to read your posts again tomorrow to let it all sink in. Thank you again for reading and providing such welcoming responses.

I'm a new member here. I posted a brief post in the introductions section.

I have no real support system. As I've gone through my healing process, I've had to face truths about how emotionally isolated I have been my whole life. I feel like I have gone through so many varieties of loneliness, each of them just as horrible and internally devastating as the other. I have no intimate connections - no friends, no family, no children and no partner with whom I can be myself, with whom I feel embraced for human being that I am. This hurts me deeply. Because I feel like my whole life I've wanted, no needed, to be seen. And I have been slowly I realising the depth of the wounds I carry from never been seen, never been appreciated or cared for for just as I am. I've identified myself as a freeze/fawn cptsd type, so I survived my traumas from a mix of having to shrink my true self and adopting the roles that were expected of me. My empathetic side was exploited to the advantage of others, without much, if any, empathy returned.

The sense of lonliness I feel drives me into episodes of deep depression and anxiety, making me wonder what might be wrong with me that I have no-one in my life to offer me a hug, or a shoulder to cry on. But I am working on this and trying to be gentle with myself, trying not redirect my pain into feelings of self loathing. This is hard.

I push myself to go to social actiivities that I find online, turning up at events on my own where I don't know anybody. I tell myself if I provide myself opportunities to meet new people through exposure, then eventually I might click with like minded individuals or people who might want to know me. But it's not easy and even when a new connection is made, it seems to be a whole other ball game as to whether that connection will turn into an actual caring and long term friendship.

I think I am quite an introspective and a deeply feeling person, I very much gravitate towards deep and meaningful types of conversations. But often it feels like that's not what others are interested in. I also think that when you've been through trauma and engage in self healing, you become alot more mature and wise in a way compared to the average person who has had a 'good enough' life. This is the case for me and because of this if feels like most new people that I meet are from a different world than me.

Another thing is that most new people I meet have solid support systems, they have family and/or friends who love them, so they're not necessarily looking for more. And most people I meet in my age group especially (mid 30's) are pretty well setup it seems when it comes to social support. Whereas I come from a place of it's just me and my beloved cat. This is another thing that makes me feel very internally alienated when I meet new people, even if I share a positive interaction with them. I can see/feel their sense of calm and contentment due to their social bonds. I know that at the end of the day they go home and will have someone there who cares about them or friends who they'll talk to over the phone. At the end of my day I come home to my cat, who I love more than any other being in this world and am so grateful for (he's saved my life). Though there is something to be said about not having another human bond there for you.

So often I read that trauma and ctpsd healing requires some element of social support, love, and care from people who are your support system. And I feel the gravity of this in my heart. I feel like I know that despite the fact that I have very little in my life right now, if I had just one person, one friend who I knew was there for me, someone who genuinely cared for me who I didn't feel like I have to wear a socially acceptable face with, I would feel better about my life. I would just feel better.

I have read some other posts on this forum where people have expressed having no support system. I would really like to know if anyone relates to some of the feelings I've expressed here. And I would like to know if anyone who has been in a place where they had no loving support has eventually found people (in person) who became that support?

Thank you for reading this.

Thank you for the welcome Three Roses

Hi, I am new to this forum, though I have known of its existence for quite some time. A few years ago I realised that I had PTSD from a long term abusive relationship. I later learned C-PTSD and about a year ago I came across OOTS, the information here about C-PSTD helped me understand what I was going through - every moment felt like a living * and I didn't know what was happening to me.

For the past year I have been working as hard as I knew how on recovery and trying to heal. Probably like many people, my story is long and I won't go into detail here, but to overview:

I had a traumatic childhood, many abusive/unsafe elements (emotional neglect, sexual molestation, poverty, alcoholic parent, immigrant family from low socio economic status). Despite this I tried very hard to provide for myself by getting educated and securing a reliable job. But at age 22 I entered a relationship, thought he was the love of my life. Turned out to be a severely abusive relationship and I now believe that my ex-spouse has NPD. He depleted just about everything I had except a little spark of my spirit - which is what I used to get out. But 13 years of that kind of abuse has left me with crippling mental health and in a place where I have to start my life over. In order to leave him, I had to move back in with my parents as I didn't have finacial means to support having my own place (yet). Whilst I am glad and very thankful that I am away from him and glad that my parents now are okay enough for me to get by living with them, it is an extremely triggering environment for me which makes healing from the ex harder.

I decided to sign up here because one thing that I struggle with is isolation - as I lost the friendships/social connections I had had from before I met my ex-partner, I am in a place where I have to restart socially. Whilst I do go out to places where the opportunity to meet new people exists and have one or two very new friendships, this is different to having people who you know love you and support you and who try to understand you. And when you've had a traumatic life, it's hard to meet new people and just start sharing your truth, that's not what people want to hear. I read something that said to recover from CPTSD one of the things you need is a support network. And so here I am.

I am so thankful to the internet for providing access to information and even the opportunity to join a support forum. So hello and thank you for reading my post