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Messages - Logan

#1
Hi everybody,

I am new to this forum and I am glad to join here.

I do not want to make the introduction part to long, so I just tell you
what my ruminating thoughts and triggers are:
- topics like sex, pick- up, party and youth
- Masculinity
- Mixed Martial Arts, Soldiers, Warriors
- People who live theis life like they want to be
- old age

I am 40 years old and male. Even though I had some erotiv interactions with a few women before, I had sex just at the age of 29.
I had panic attacks, anxiety and felt most of the time pretty down all of my life.

I felt I have not lived like I should have. My father was a pretty "manly" man and he bragged about his way of being when younger: lots of women, bar-fights, after this he still mannaged to become a doctor.
I had a lot of trouble with racism when I was younger: skinhead, schoolteacher, and bullies.

If something like the above mentioned gets triggered, I feel lost and alone, I feel pain, sad and somehow really not safe.
I feel like a total looser, in these moments.

I have the feeling to counterballance all of the above through
- having more sex with women, which does not happen
- fighting some kind of full-contact sport
- and being succesful in life, means going my own way.

Sometime I just want to relax and a part of me tells me everything is actually okay, have compassion for yourself,
but immediatly a part comes up and destroy it.

It feels I have to do all the things above, to heal the cptsd, which I think will not work.

I would love to hear your opinion about cptsd and masculinity etc.?

Thank you so far!

Best,
Logan