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Thank you guys. I have been re-reading your responses for the past few days, and they really helped me pull through.

My therapist helped me reframe some stuff. When everything falls apart, sometimes it is better to start something new than to put it back together. That's kinda where I am. I have been trying to get moved from KY to OR for 6 months, so maybe this is the universe telling me that it is time.

In a fantastic coincidence, the same day that I found out I was about to be fired at work, I got an interview for another position in the city I want to move to. I know better than to hang my hopes on one potential job, but it still woke me up a little bit and reminded me that I am still hirable.

In general, I was letting the bad things that were happening define me. I wasn't a good person going through a hard time, I was a horrible person who attracted bad situations. I have to remember that I am not defined by any of the things going wrong in my life.

Now, let's hope that I can get back to this place of clarity. It's hard, but it feels much better than lying hopeless on the floor.

Well, I am not doing so hot. I thought I had it under control for a while, but I don't.

My relationships have fallen apart. I am down to one person in my life. Everyone else has rightfully decided that I am too unstable to be around. My finances are messed up. I am not able to pay my bills and my mortgage is two months behind. I just found out today that I am on thin ice and will be fired if I give them the slightest reason. I am not even taking care of me. I am having trouble just getting out of bed, drinking water, and taking care of myself.

I don't know what to do. I have meds that help, but I have not been taking them. I tried setting reminders, but I think I have just given up. I don't know how to make myself want to care anymore. I just want this to end. I want to stop hurting. Therapy is not helping, and I can't afford it. I am still going, but I don't know how much longer I will have the money for it.

I can't stop the negative trains of thought in my head. I can't stop from jumping to the worst, most destructive conclusions. I am beating myself up constantly.

Earlier, I couldn't even get off the floor to get to work. I know I will lose my house if I don't, but I still laid there staring blankly until I was late getting back. I tell my body to move, and it just doesn't.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one AA. I was seriously thinking that I was going crazy.

****Trigger warning*****
I need to process some things that happened last year... If you aren't comfortable reading about BDSM, I would skip this post.

I never really learned how to have vanilla relationships. I was introduced to BDSM very young, and I loved the control aspects. I loved having someone tell me what to do, and the clear rules were such a relief. It was so much easier for me to relate to someone else through a framework that was clearly defined.

Last year, I found myself in the hospital with two pulmonary emboli. I could have died, and with how long they went untreated, it is a miracle I didn't. I was severely depressed, and my husband was dealing with his own depression and fear over almost losing me. At this low moment, I found a Dominant that seemed like everything I had ever dreamed of. He was steady as a rock, and it was like he could read my mind. We had so much fun playing together. I was completely enamored. We were together for 4 months, and in that time, he helped me learn to live again. He had me eating right, drinking enough water, exercising, and most importantly, thinking I was sexy.

He liked to play with fear. Slowly, he started convincing me that I was more of a slave than a submissive. He took my safe word away, and I overlooked all these red flags because I was getting healthy again. He beat me while I was on blood thinners, and the bruises were so bad that I really worried it would cause another clot or make me bleed out. He stopped asking for consent, and I thought it was ok. I just wanted to please him.

I don't know if there is a short version of this story's end. He invited a woman to play with us, and she decided she wanted me. She convinced me he was abusive (which he was), and convinced me to not contact him again. I will have to face what she did to me later, but the one two punch of him and her was enough to knock me on my butt for a year. I'm just now standing again. It was easier to be mad at her than to process my feelings for him, and honestly, I still care about the guy. I feel like I didn't have a real chance to let him go.

Anyway... all this to say that he contacted me today. Every cell in my body is screaming that I should respond. I should give him the chance to explain. I should apologize for letting that woman tear me from him. I know he wasn't healthy for me, but I was also at my healthiest when I was with him, if that makes any sense. I know he's bad for me, but I also know how happy I was with him. It's so much harder when you love the one that hurts you.

I am so frustrated. Why is it impossible for me to be the same person two days in a row?

Some days, when I am at my best, it's like I can look in the mirror and see all the parts of me. Every aspect of my identity fits together into one person, and I can say "ah, that is who I am." The other 90% of the time, it feels like that mirror is shattered, and I can only see so many parts at once. Nothing holds the together, and I can't quite make a whole image.

Even just with stupid stuff, like video games and TV shows... there are times when I am in the middle of watching a show, and I will just... not be that person anymore. I don't like the show, and I don't really remember what on earth could have made me want to watch it.

It's not just stupid stuff. It's everything. Like relationships... One minute I will be totally digging a person, then I just can't imagine liking them at all. Or my work. Every few weeks, I wonder why the * I am doing the job I'm doing... even though I absolutely love my work.

I don't feel like I become I separate person. I'm always just me. It's not like they are other identities... just like I can't quite fit all of my personality into me most of the time. It's so frustrating. I'm scared to make plans because I might not be the right me. I'm scared to date or make friends. I can't keep in touch with the ones I have. It's infuriating. I just want to be the same me for two days in a row.

Does anyone else feel like this? Or maybe know what it is?

I don't know if I can tell you how much your posts have encouraged me. I'm new to the site, but I can see how much good you have done for everyone here. I'm sorry you have so much weighing you down right now. Thank you for everything you do. 

I can't tell you what it means to me to know I'm not alone. I hate that anyone else has been through something similar, but knowing there are people out there who know exactly how it feels and will believe me... It's still overwhelming. I wish I could give you all a hug.

Blues_cruise, thank you so much for sharing that. I'm so very sorry, and I connected so much with your words. I know how it feels to have every safe space violated. I'm still trying to identify that voice in my head. I'm so used to listening to it that it is taking me a while to stop giving it space to talk. I'm really glad you shared. It touched my heart. 

woodsgnome, Thank you so much. I'm starting to write again now. When I was a kid, I used to use my journal as a sanity check. I would write down exactly what happened so I could read it and prove to myself it was real. Things got really bad for me at one point, and I was put in a hospital on suicide watch. When I came out, my father had kicked me out of the house, and the only person who could take me in was a sister I barely knew. Her first order of business was to read my journals in front of me, stopping at any passages that talked about abuse to tell me they were lies.

Since then, writing is so hard... I know I shouldn't let her have that, but for some reason, it doesn't feel like it matters anymore. Abusers can take that too, so what's the point? I'm working on this. Between that and the constant fear of saying how I feel, I've been living in denial instead. It is so so so hard to convince myself that I'm allowed to feel. Maybe reclaiming a journal will be a good start. <3 Thank you so much for your reply.

What would you do if you couldn't trust your husband to keep his promises anymore?

It's not like he cheats on me or physically hurts me, but I can't believe a word he says. He got laid off this summer. We both agreed that he would stay home for a while to collect unemployment and do some work on the house.

Since then, not only has he failed to file for unemployment correctly, leaving me to play the game of "what will we not pay this month," but also, he continues to make promises and break them almost daily.

He says he will take care of a bill collector, then doesn't call and lets it go to collections. He says he will fix the leak under the sink, and now it still isn't replaced and we have water damage in the basement. He says he will take out the recycling and keep the house clean, but I end up doing it every time.

I can't... I'm not strong enough to be the only adult in this relationship, but no method of communication has worked. Trust me, I've tried it all. I've tried being nice, tough love, lists, everything.

I love this man more than anyone in the planet, but I'm starting to wonder if he is what I need. It feels horrible... like the world will fall out from under me without him, but what else can I do? He refuses to help me, and I can't do this alone. I need someone to care about me enough to help me. I need him to be my partner, not my child.

We don't have the money for marriage counseling, and in fact, I've had to cancel my own therapy since he didn't get the money he said he would get. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm terrified. This has been going on for years, but now... it's like he has completely stopped caring. He won't go to a doctor, and when he goes to his therapist, he just tells them everything is fine. I'm at a loss. What do I do?

I think that for me it is actually healthy to recognise what I feel. And if I feel annoyed at the expression of self-love or the thought that I'm "supposed" to do it, then I express that. I've heard that you can stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself that you love yourself. If it works for you or anyone, that's great, I'm happy for you / anyone but for me I need something different for the message to go through all the defensive emotional layers. In fact for me it's much more beneficial to show myself love e.g. by doing self-care (can be as simple as gently brushing my hair for minutes on end).

That is so helpful! Self-care, I can do. Talking to myself in a mirror? Not so much. I don't mind dedicating the time to myself, but talking out loud to myself doesn't feel like anything but silly.

I'm pulling for you. You can do this.   

That's a fantastic analogy. Thank you for sharing that. Yay for good days!  

I also liked when someone first recognized it as trauma. That validation felt so good after so many years of convincing myself that I was the one at fault. I'm so glad you found someone to help you do the work!

Thank you all for the kind words.

Despite not really having the money, I started therapy again. For the most part, I feel like I've made really big progress over the past few months. I've realized that wanting to please everyone has twisted my brain in knots until I no longer allow myself any expression of emotion. I've realized that most of the emotions I feel are not about right here and now, and I've even started to tease out a few triggers, and where they come from.

It's not easy. I am so tired of the self love talk. I mean, seriously. I know this is not healthy, but does anyone else just really get angry when people spout the whole "Love yourself and accept yourself!" stuff? I know, I know. It's healing and blah. I am learning to allow myself to be human and not put my sights on unrealistic expectations. 

Still... there is this little scrappy part of me who just wants to fight anytime someone starts with that. I cannot stand hearing nice words said about me. I just don't want it. I don't want to hear how great I am. It all feels hallow.

Convincing yourself that you deserve love is really hard. 

lol sorry four pouting.

Found out last night that a friend of mine passed from cancer. I don't understand why all three of the friends I've lost have been the nicest guys I've known. It's just so unfair.

Something happened today. I was having an anxiety attack, and I started painting to relieve stress. When I was done, I went to show my husband. He looked at it for about a second and said "good. I like it," then went back to work.

This shouldn't have set me off, but every moment of frustration rolled back to me from when I would try to show my parents something I was proud of. I heard them, not him. It made me flip. I have been crying ever sense, and I know it's dumb. I know this isn't his fault, but I feel horrible.

So my question, how should I have handled this? How do I tell him that his response sent me into a spiral. I'm so low right now. He's gone for the night, and I am still freaking out. What should I have done?

I'm having such a bad week. I've been having panic attacks constantly, and I just can't find anything remotely interesting to distract myself. It's like the more I look at what happened to me, the closer the pain is to the surface. All I want to do is run away from it. I want to keep pretending I'm fine. I want to put my masks back on and just live.

I wrote out my story the other day... everything I could remember. The truth is that it isn't that bad. I mean, not bad enough for me to be this messed up. I know, I know. It's a typical belief, but seriously... why can't I just accept that I got away from it and move on? Why am I stuck here 9 years later?

I am not monogamous, and I live with my husband and girlfriend. My husband has been with me for 8 years, and he is so supportive. My girlfriend though, she has only known me for a couple of years. It takes me much longer than that to open up to anyone, but she doesn't seem to want to be patient with me. When I back off because I'm having flashbacks or am stuck in a high anxiety state, she gets upset and says I'm not showing her I love her. It's true, but I don't feel like I can do any better than this. Every part of my brain is screaming that I should just tell her I'm not capable of love and she should leave me. I can't seem to stop that impulse, and talking it out isn't helping. I feel trapped in my own house. Being me upsets her. I feel like a failure. Unlovable.

The crappy thing is that it's not a lack of compassion on her side. It's a lack of communication on mine. I just can't. When I am this anxious, talking about me is like pulling my fingernails off. I have explained, but she doesn't really get it. Of course she doesn't. Who would?

I also have this huge two year project to wrap up at work, and some days, I kill it. Lately, I've just been unable to cope. I have missed three days of work in the last week. My career and our company depend on me getting this right, but I just can't right now. I know I'm not really going to get fired, but I'm terrified I will be anyway. I am the sole provider for both my husband and girlfriend, and what if I can't do it?

I want nothing more than to take a short leave of absence at work and just get my head straight, but I can't afford that. Not while I'm the only one who pays attention to money.

Most of all, I just want someone to be interested in me right now. Because my girlfriend gets so upset when I pull away, my husband ends up giving her all of his attention so I can have space. Then I end up feeling alone in my own home, and completely uncomfortable. I feel like I'm creating a storm cloud that we all have to live under. I just want the space to not be ok. I want to be loved even when I can't give love in return. I want them to be interested in me and what I'm going through, and not just as a means to complain at me for not being loving enough. I already know I'm cold. I know I'm not capable of normal relationships or love. That's what I'm trying to fix.

I am doing everything all wrong. I have so much pressure on me, and I'm paralyzed. I feel like I haven't taken a real breath in weeks. I keep trying to drown it out with video games or even alcohol one night, but that just makes it worse. I have stuff I need to be doing. What is wrong with me?

When I get like this, I end up making it worse. Part of me feels like i need to be abused for being this way, so I end up talking to people on line who have no trouble telling me how disgusting I am. It makes me feel better in the moment, but it builds up. I start believing it after a while.

God, I feel like I shouldn't admit to any of this. This is all stuff I would keep hidden. I hate the idea of someone knowing how messed up I am. I guess I have to be honest about myself at some point though.

There is so much here that I want to respond to, but mostly, I just want to say thanks. This hit all my feels. It's like you guys are in my head.

Well, I have one single person that I keep close. But I find it super hard to make new close friends, or just new friends in general. lol I think I've become so perfectionistic, I feel perfectionistic even over my social life. I got fairly close with one guy recently (online), he told me I could come to him whenever and vent and speak my mind. But that seemed to be 90% of our conversations, me just ranting, I couldn't think of anything else to talk about. I tell him this, he says it's fine - tells me again I can vent and he'll listen and respond. So I vented once more like usual, then he just... didn't acknowledge me. He changed the subject and for a week I haven't talked to him because of that one thing, I don't want to talk to him. :\ I felt very fond of him too, but that one thing feels like it sapped all feelings and emotions out of me, like he might as well be an acquaintance to me now.
Either I'm a controlling sensitive freak or it's just the fear of being neglected/abused seeping in (or both! lol). Like, I'm just so sick of these things happening, every time it happens - even a little, it drives me mad.

This really struck me. I get so mad about this.

I am constantly monitoring myself when I start getting close to people. Am I being too needy? too cold? too vulnerable? Too selfish? I have two modes. In one, I don't share anything at all because showing weakness will make them leave me. I put on a face to please, then go until I snap and cut them off altogether. In the other, I overshare because I need affection and comfort. I get way too clingy, and they get freaked out. The more they pull away, the more I spiral, telling myself that this is proof that no one can handle me. The stress of it makes me just pull away from everyone instead, where I tell myself I'm comfortable.

I'm so glad you guys are sharing. It is helping me more than I can say. I also had to hide my family, and holidays make me physically sick. It means so much that you guys understand.