I found this website and felt relieved. Although I've been diagnosed with PTSD and have had 2 sessions of EMDR, I know I have complex PTSD and don't know where to start. I want to write more later but I was brought up around physical abuse, he later ended up in prison for vehicular manslaughter, he was my mom's live in boyfriend. I later had 2 children to a man who ended up severely psychologically abusing me and then physically abusive. It was like leaving an addiction, it was living * getting away. After trying to rebuild myself with my kids, he filed for custody to take the kids but used the court as a weapon. It was trauma all over again. I finally became so numb and gave up internally. I am physically here but not the same anymore. My relationships with family have sufferered, the way I treat my kids, and dating relationships end horribly. I'm tired. I try and know that I am screaming inside for someone to understand me. Im not a horrible a person but very sweet and timid. I don't want drama but end up in a spiral of it. I can't seem to get out of the "web" I know much has to do with my mom and her treatment of me... or absence... but then I feel like I'm blaming. It's a vicious circle. Not sure where to go. I even have a Master's in Mental Health and understand the tools of coping.... it's the custody battle after o graduated, that led to a protective order against him, that put me over the edge. Now I try to have healthy relationships in dating but end up raging at dumb stuff.. I don't trust anything and question everything, So the guy runs away. I look stupid after I questions normal things... I feel like I don't know normal behavior anymore. Ironic because I should be the counselor!! I just need help in working out the raging symptoms that I have, often. I want either to be left alone and become highly annoyed by things or want answers honest, raw answers. my kids dad was a HUGE liar and serious manipulator and it took me a long time to accept he was that way... now I question everyone.
Ugh.
Ugh.