Hi Annegirl,
It's been a long time since your post was written and this is the first time I've written a post, but I can answer some of your questions. You are not alone. Yes, I know what it's like to block out the pain. My F, excuse the letter if it's wrong, beat me two to three times per week from the age of 7 1/2 until I was 12, just because. He stopped the night he hit me as hard as he could and suddenly, it didn't hurt. He had me bent over his knees, hit me repeatedly and it didn't hurt. I felt the pressure and bounced forward with the strength of the strike but, I wasn't crying. He jerked me up and I apologized saying, "Sorry Daddy, but it just doesn't hurt anymore." I was terrified that he would hit me somewhere else and that the pain would start again. He was shocked, got up and left the room. He never hit me again. It didn't matter, the emotional abuse that went along with it got worse. That is the leftover that I deal with today.....................Now,.......We have a resource here that I never had. I am so grateful to be able to share and know that I am not alone. Is there healing? There can be. But for myself, even with lots of care and years of intellectual understanding, I still have triggers. And I still have lots of issues. Quite often I don't feel pain in normal situations. I have broken bones and not known it, had infections that should have been attended to and didn't realize they were that bad. I've also survived a life that would have been impossible except for the care of the many extended family members who were there for me. Today there are professionals who recognize the results of this issue. The biggest physical issue is that I have many autoimmune diseases. They started when I was 12, before some were even known, by 14 I had SLE Lupus. None of this was my fault. It is not your fault either. But deep down, it's hard not to feel guilty for not being able to forgive myself for not being perfect, for not being able to make it end. Well, it has. Now, my goal is to get to a place where I am not seeing it daily and reacting to a fear filled world. It's a worthy goal and one that we all share. But now, for us all, there is a "We," the "We," of OOTS. "We," are a family, we are our own support, we are lifting each other up and...we,... Are.............That fact alone means that we are important. We matter and We care. Hook up with all the others who are walking this road. Get what professional help you can............and remember, you are not alone! Bright Blessings, young woman. You are a winner and one day, you will know it, if you don't already.
It's been a long time since your post was written and this is the first time I've written a post, but I can answer some of your questions. You are not alone. Yes, I know what it's like to block out the pain. My F, excuse the letter if it's wrong, beat me two to three times per week from the age of 7 1/2 until I was 12, just because. He stopped the night he hit me as hard as he could and suddenly, it didn't hurt. He had me bent over his knees, hit me repeatedly and it didn't hurt. I felt the pressure and bounced forward with the strength of the strike but, I wasn't crying. He jerked me up and I apologized saying, "Sorry Daddy, but it just doesn't hurt anymore." I was terrified that he would hit me somewhere else and that the pain would start again. He was shocked, got up and left the room. He never hit me again. It didn't matter, the emotional abuse that went along with it got worse. That is the leftover that I deal with today.....................Now,.......We have a resource here that I never had. I am so grateful to be able to share and know that I am not alone. Is there healing? There can be. But for myself, even with lots of care and years of intellectual understanding, I still have triggers. And I still have lots of issues. Quite often I don't feel pain in normal situations. I have broken bones and not known it, had infections that should have been attended to and didn't realize they were that bad. I've also survived a life that would have been impossible except for the care of the many extended family members who were there for me. Today there are professionals who recognize the results of this issue. The biggest physical issue is that I have many autoimmune diseases. They started when I was 12, before some were even known, by 14 I had SLE Lupus. None of this was my fault. It is not your fault either. But deep down, it's hard not to feel guilty for not being able to forgive myself for not being perfect, for not being able to make it end. Well, it has. Now, my goal is to get to a place where I am not seeing it daily and reacting to a fear filled world. It's a worthy goal and one that we all share. But now, for us all, there is a "We," the "We," of OOTS. "We," are a family, we are our own support, we are lifting each other up and...we,... Are.............That fact alone means that we are important. We matter and We care. Hook up with all the others who are walking this road. Get what professional help you can............and remember, you are not alone! Bright Blessings, young woman. You are a winner and one day, you will know it, if you don't already.