Messages

I am so glad to read this Widdiful! I know that probably sounds very odd to you (and maybe others). I was medicated for 17 years. i went off all of my meds and am so glad I did. The meds are not a solution to trauma. Yes, brain chemistry changes when trauma occurs, but meds are not a fix for that. I read on here somewhere that the solution is not in a prescription pad. Psychotropic meds are very dangerous, yet very socially accepted. It's very odd. I am very glad you are refusing meds. My real healing came when I got off all the dang drugs. Again, N/BPD was making me the problem, the one that needed meds. Umm, no.

Thank you for your insight and replies everyone. You all brought valuable aspects to the table. I started to examine this problem with my unN/bpd m 6 or 7 years ago, but was redirected by my t to work on "the real problem" (some other trauma I was exposed to). I realize that getting back in this process reminds me of previous work I have done. Focusing on taking care of myself, letting go of what I can't control, and allowing others to freely be who they are. I feel like so much of my perspective has been muddy b/c I have carried this around so long. I know connecting with others has been recommended, and I agree whole heartedly, but that has been a problem of mine as well. Connecting with others. Sometimes I can, and other times I feel like I am just looking in from the outside while trying to connect with others. This is definitely a process, but I am reminded that I need to take care of me first, and then other things can and will fall into place along this process.

Sandman14,
I have spent a great deal of time treating symptoms. Thank you for your valuable insight. I am looking at dealing with the root cause.

Thanks again everyone!

WF,
Thank you for the thought provoking questions. I will have to pay more attention. In my dreams, I don't recall fear. I think the biggest feeling or emotion is confused/baffled. I will pay more attention, thanks!

I have frequent dreams of my unN/Bpd m and brother. These dreams ALWAYS involve a house (it is a different house in every dream). My m is always kind and nurturing, at least, never abusive. She accomodates me, asks about my needs, and is helpful. These dreams absolutely baffle me. Any insight, ideas, or experience to share?

I am just strting to open my eyes to the severity of the neglect and abandonment that I was faced with growing up. I realized as I was reading some literature on the subject that, yes, I faced more emotional pain and punishment if I would have attempted to turn to unN/Bpd M for help or nurturing. I also went to college for a helping profession job, and the professors pushed professionalism, professionalism, professionalism. Stay detached from the client to protect yourself and the client. Ok, I understand the importance of that for the majority of the time. My professors modeled professionalism. Very unattached, to me, almost aloof and uncaring. This triggered me. Also, one of the professors was definitely at least N. Very similar to my mother and actually freaked out on me when we were alone in her office for something she previously complimented me on. After that, zero trust for this "professional". I told my professors to just be honest and up front, don't sneak behind the scenes. Well they snuck behind the scenes. I was so triggered and burnt out, I almost refused to go into my field. Anyways, I have noticed this "professionalism" in some counselors. My radar goes up. I understand that it's not about them and they're not doing anything wrong. I realize that is my stuff connected to my abuse and neglect. I perceive it as dangerous because I was never nurtured. I know the professionalism just is not a good fit for my c-ptsd. This is more of an aha moment than anything else. I just wanted to share. I would love to hear insight from others!

Keepfighting,
Thank you so much for your response. i was starting to wonder if this was abnormal or I was abnormal in this regard. I really appreciate you sharing your experience! I am hopeful about my upcoming EMDR in dealing with this and being desensitized a bit. I feel like i am a giant hyper vigilant, scared, little girl who is ready to attack at any moment to "stay safe". I am cognitively aware that I am not really in danger in my environments, but I am looking forward to the integration of that knowledge with healing. Sometimes I feel as though I have gone too far, hurt too many people, and that shame is like a cloak I wear. I just really appreciate your response, so again, thank you!

Thank you Rrecovery for your response. I believe and am hoping for more healthy friendships and freedom from the emotional chains of abuse. It is tough when it is unresolved and I feel like an open wound walking around. On top of that, it is difficult to explain to people who DGI. I am sticking to sharing with those who do get it! I am feeling relief for the first time as I see others post "I understand that" "That is my experience". It is wonderful and brings comfort. Thank you! I appreciate those reaching out.

I literally just realuzed that what I described above is an emotional flashback. It brings some relief and some questions.

Oh my gosh! When I first read emotional flashbacks on here I thought it was in reference to some visual memory. No, emotional memory! This is my life. I thought I was over and past the victim mind set, but I am having anger all the time b/c I feel wronged, left out, emotionally isolated. Oh my gosh. This was a big moment of clarity for me. Thank you for posting this.

Hi everyone,
I have known that I have been angry for years. Some days are better than others. When I am stressed and/or tired, my anger is the worst. When I act out in anger, I feel like my mother. I hate that so much. I have the most anger outbursts at work. I have a high stress job and there are a lot of really young people at my job. My co-workers do not deserve my anger. I lash out and then feel extreme guilt and shame. I have tried to control it, and just go on automatic pilot. It is an awful vicious cycle. This one gets me the most. Then I get anxious going into work b/c I fear being reprimanded and facing the people I have lashed out on. Does anyone else have this rage? Or had this rage? I would love to hear coping mechanisms. Please help me.

BSSR,
thank you for your warm welcome. I appreciate it.
Kizzie,
I have been NC for 3 years. I seem to ve triggered by everyone all the time. My melt downs usually manifest as anger out bursts at others and I HATE it. It leaves me feeling so shi**y. I will definitely check peter walker out. Thank you!

Hi everyone,
I am brand new to this forum and actually working through this stuff. I have always known my FOO is incredibly dysfunctional, but many people have dysfunctional families, right? And they do just fine, or appear to be doing just fine. I have minimized the effects of abuse and neglect my whole life. So, my unN/BPD mother and I have had NC for 3 years. Previous to this NC go round, we were NC for about a year, but I went back. That initial NC was just ammunition for her. The first time I had NC with her, I still had contact with my brother, but he quit talking to me when my mother and I went NC. their relationship is very emotionally incestual. He took my place after I backed off. My mother goes on smearing campaigns about how awful I am, and people believe her. I was referred to OOTF by a mentor after she witnessed a regression and me sobbing unable to stop. My mother and brother would sit and just emotionally and mentally beat me up and laugh. It has been physical, too. I am triggered when my hypervigilance reads a dark mood around me. I then melt down. I start EMDR this coming week and am hoping for relief. I welcome all experiences, advice, and words.