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I don't think I'm a type A (though I know I should probably be the last to diagnose myself.) I don't have to have control of everything around me, I don't have to have the best job, house, car etc. but the things I do value (i.e. being effective in my job, volunteer work, friend and relationships etc) I find I leave no room for error. The small thing that set me off today was that I was tutoring a student (privately for $) and due to the short notice, did not prepare as well as I should have, and made an error in instructing a calculation on one of her homework problems. I caught it (after she went to class), emailed/apologized, and gave the correct info, but as I wait to hear back I find myself getting really worked up. She paid me for services and I failed her. And there goes the critic right?

I know, no one is perfect, we all make mistakes, I should learn to be centered enough that I can accept this and not need a "you're forgiven" email to let it go.

What I find even more disturbing/disappointing about myself though is that, it's not so much the fear of error, but the fear of getting caught making a mistake that scares me. Today I'm bound to be caught (she'll get the homework problem wrong)  so I know that's not applicable in this situation, but I thought it something worth including. For example, if she figured out the right answer, I would not admit my error and would not be worried at all, because she would not even know that I screwed up.

It's a trivial example, but that's part of the problem because little things happen all the time. Perhaps I just need to become better at keeping things in perspective?

Any thoughts/feedback/suggested reading (or even knowing I'm not alone/crazy) would be incredibly helpful. As always, I appreciate this forum and just having the space to share these things. Thank you.

Thank you both. I'm becoming more comfortable as the days/weeks progress. I've also been speaking with my therapist and have had a few insights as to what it is I'm afraid of (he's too good for me, I'm going to hurt him, to name a few.)

Right now, I know I just need to be patient as we both adjust to this shift in our relationship. That I do deserve something positive and healthy, and that communication (which has been happening) does not need to be scary (as in, he welcomes conversation and feedback and doesn't jump to defensive and anger- which is what I've known.) The more time that passes, the more natural things begin to feel; the more I can see that something horrible isn't just around the corner, and am starting to trust that this could be a great experience.

Again, I always appreciate the feedback I receive in this forum.

I'll keep it short, because I really cannot explain this. I've been very lucky to have a wonderful, kind, supportive friend for about 11 years now. I've known he's loved me for years, and I can honestly say I love him, but until very recently the thought of a romantic relationship with him was too overwhelming.
We've talked, and have just started dating (at my prompting) but I cannot shake this horrible fear and guilt, and I cannot even name it. I know all my past relationships have been dysfunctional and/or abusive, and that abuse and dysfunction are the types of relationships in which I'm most comfortable.
He so kind and patient and considerate, and it scares me sooo much, and I cannot even begin to say why. Our friends are all thrilled for us, the common response is "finally!"
I guess I'm just feeling really stuck and confused because I know I should just be excited and happy about this, and there are times in which I am that, excited, grateful, happy, in love... but I'm still beating back this illogical panic.
Any thoughts or suggestions would be incredibly welcome.
Thank you all

Thanks Three Roses. I actually had a worry stone several years ago that I would fidget with, perhaps it's time I try shopping for a new one. Maybe even put some thought into what it is I pick up, make a sort of "big deal" out of it (if that makes sense?) A small safe care thing to treat myself to.

And I've actually considered seeing less of my folks as recently has last winter. However, I managed to complicate things when I made a comment to my mother about something f-ed up my father said. I mentioned to her that it was those interactions that make me hesitant to come over more. Since I opened my big mouth, my folks (esp my mom) are very conscientious of how often I come and visit. I am thinking though, that it may be something to bring up in therapy again, and re-consider.

Thank you both for your feedback, I feel like I've got my bases covered. While getting some distance is probably in my best interest, if/when I cannot, I'll at least have a small "secret weapon" on my person to help ground me 

Hi Kizzie,

So I'm starting to remember more of my dreams. Some I don't bother noting as they are obviously present day concerns, but I had a very odd/scary one this morning. I was living with my parents again, and still dating my ex husband. I had a lot of things to take care of, and wanted to have him leave early, but my father insisted on driving my ex, and my ex insisted on my coming with them for the long car ride. . . Skip to the end. The car breaks down shortly after leaving the house, and these kids wander towards us. It was a country setting (no where I recognize) and had an almost "deliverance" feel to it. Anyway, one of the boys (must've been 8 or 9) had this little scroll saw and started sawing on my left shoulder. I told him to stop but he just laughed and kept playing his game. Realizing he wasn't going to listen to me I asked dad to tell him to stop. Dad said he wasn't doing any harm, just ignore him. But when he started drawing blood I started getting upset again. It seemed as though the more I yelled at the boy, the more he laughed and the harder he'd saw. I asked dad for help again (as blood was dripping  down the front of my shirt now) but got no response from dad.

Then I woke up. Starting to understand why some mornings I wake up in a total panic now. 

Hi,

I'm still in the process of understanding all of the facets that make up C-PTSD, so please bear with me as I'm not sure if I completely understand what is meant by "inner child," or of my history on a whole.

I have a post in what I now realize was the wrong thread -a question of C-PTSD being a "generation removed." In short, the abuse in my father's family is obvious to me, but mine, not so much. But even reading the first post in this thread helped clarify something: when I talked about the abuse being a "generation removed" I commented that my father never hit me. The fact of the matter is that I did often receive spankings for being "sneaky bad" (which I guess is way worse than being just old plain "obvious bad" ??) until I was about 6. For almost 2 years I felt very uncomfortable about the spankings, not so much because it hurt, but because it occurred to me that my father was touching my butt. After reading some of the information, which included spanking as damaging -not even necessarily as a message that I did something bad, or that it hurt physically- but to focus on the humiliation behind it, something really resonated.

That said, I'm starting to finally begin to understand things, and view everyday interactions differently than I have in the past. While I trust this is helpful on the whole, and will benefit me in the long run, I'm currently finding it more difficult to visit my parents (they're about 2 hours away, so I'll spend the night 1-2X/mo.) I think it's because not only do I start to feel like I back track on progress I've made connecting with my inner child, but also bc it's harder just to be with them. I'm seeing the microaggressions more clearly now. For example, when I first got to my folks' Friday (for my dad's bday) he "complimented" me (and I'm ashamed that I still find myself feeling proud and grateful for the "positive" feedback.) Joking around about shared genes my father pointed to his head and said "well and these are something else you get from me" right in front of my mother. I couldn't help but feel proud that my father, despite all our differences, and my fears that he views me as a failure, that he really thinks that I'm smart. However, I can now see it as him not only him viewing me as an extension of himself, but also cruel to my mother, who I think is so compassionate and intelligent in her own right. She either didn't note the insult, or chose to ignore it, I can't say for sure. But this is how our family interacts.

So I feel like, just being able to say "despite all our differences" is proof, to me anyway, that I've been making progress this past year and a half towards connecting with my "inner child." But whenever I return to my childhood home and spend time with my parents, I feel like I slide right back into old habits. While I'm able to still silently hold my viewpoints, it's hard. I find myself tempted to give in and just fall back into that "you're right dad" mentality, because with a few exceptions,  I'm far too afraid to voice my own opinions aloud. (Maybe afraid is the wrong word. I just know that last time I spoke up I got a 45 minute phone call the next week, during which I talked less than 10 min. He first told me what my opinion should be, and ended the call stating that we now agreed)

I guess what I'm asking is, does anyone have any ideas how to stay connected with that "core" self, especially when seeing those people, or returning to those places that are difficult/connected with childhood?

Thank you Sanmagic7. Everything you've shared really resonates with me. I am sincerely sorry you've had to carry these burdens with you, and I am sincerely grateful that you've shared with me. All the feedback I've received thus far has been so grounding, and validating, and reassuring. This is such a wonderful community. Thank you.

Hi Allybugg,

I'm also new here, so I'm not sure how much insight or grasp I have on CPTSD yet, but I did want to reply because when I was 18 I was hospitalized after a suicidal gesture and diagnosed with "borderline traits." I've actually had some really negative experiences carrying that diagnosis. I remember at 22, as I was informing my new therapist of past diagnoses, he ended the session, not even 10 minutes in, with a curt "I don't work with borderlines." I actually think that encounter encouraged me to further embrace the diagnosis.

I can say that the suicidal gesture wasn't for attention, but because I felt like I was in over head head, and didn't know how to live life. Looking back, I know I wouldn't have had the nerve, and didn't want to actually die, but desperately desired to "unexist." (Hence my labeling it a gesture and not an attempt.)

I share all this because about 5 years ago I was talking with my therapist about an incident with an abusive ex and made a comment about things being my fault because I'm BPD so of course I ask for it. She looked at me and quietly said "we've been working together for years. I'm familiar with and work with clients with BPD. In my professional opinion, you're far from BPD, and I'd like to challenge you to consider letting that label go." 5 years later, my current therapist makes a comment about my suffering from complex traumas, and not 3 weeks later a close friend shares a link to this site.

If I look at the symptoms, this fits. I still struggle because it's hard for me to think of my parents (father) as abusive, but I'm trying to just be open. I want to learn more about abuse, how it can manifest in such various ways and intensities, and not judge and blame myself for not living up to my (my father's) expectations of me.

I'm not sure if any of this is helpful, but I hope, at the very least, you find some reassurance in knowing "you're not the only one" 

Hi Mouringdove,

Thank you so much for you kind and thoughtful reply. One of my first thoughts this morning was "I need to remove my post" because I was so embarrassed. After reading your response, that embarrassment has subsided. Thank you.

While I accept that I may be struggling with the self-criticism/doubt for some time, knowing that it is common among those with CPTSD is, as twisted as it may sound, reassuring (as in maybe I do belong here. And there's also a comfort in knowing I'm not the only one, like it's not just another character defect.) And even though I feel as it has manifested itself very differently in my family than in my father's, it's a relief to know that intergenerational trauma is real. I think I was asking about research mostly because it would be "hard proof" that I could analyze and review and use to support the idea that I am not "broken" or "crazy."  So again, thanks. While reading/researching this is something I could easily delve into, your reply was very helpful in pushing some of that "need to know/justify myself" aside. 

I know I'm new, and feel presumptuous for posting yet again, but there's something that has really bothered me since I've recently starting considering some of the issues that have come up in childhood. In short, my father's father was a short tempered alcoholic, and his mother, while I am in no position to diagnose, seemed to me, growing up, to have some serious bouts of depression, general anxiety, and I've witnessed more than a few interactions which I can now recognize as passive aggressive (and would often start some very tense fights between my paternal grandparents.)

I say this because, I don't consider my father an alcoholic, nor my mother to have any mental health issues (though she does often apologize for things that are not her fault.) She is incredibly kind and caring, and I know my father has always loved me to the best of his ability. He had (has) a temper, but never hit any of us. There are things I've begun discussing in therapy that I can say are "messed up" (i.e. double standards, pointing my "failings" out in comparisons with siblings, never feeling "good enough" to receive his approval) but I still hesitate to consider any of it "abuse."

I recognized at a young age that my father treated my mother as if she were also his daughter (she was not "allowed" to do many things) but I know this was out of his own fear for her and anxiety that he would not be there to protect her. Likewise, I was very (very) sheltered. I share all this because, while I could easily see this being a site possibly being appropriate for my father (most definitely for his younger sister) I feel as though there is something wrong with me for having reacted to my experiences as I have. I've found myself relating to many of the symptoms of CPTSD, but not feeling as though I've been "wronged" in such a fashion to justify my response. (I'm sorry if I'm not being clear, but I'm not sure how else to word it.) In short, I feel as if I'm a generation removed from the actual abuse, and the subtle (though very consistent) criticisms I've received, well, I guess I feel like a whiny wimp for being so affected by it.

Does anyone know if there's been an research about the grandchildren of abusive parents? If the effects of that dysfunction could carry beyond a generation, even if the adult child (my father in this case) seems to have broken free or overcome some of those struggles? Do I even belong on this site?

Thank you both, and I'm really  grateful I found this forum as well. About 2 months ago my doc wrote me a script for blood pressure medication with the off label usage of treating nightmares. I really like the idea though of accepting and perhaps processing the dreams instead, and will certainly bring that up in our next session (and will keep taking it as prescribed in the meantime.) the connection with the subconscious, and "my guard being down" in sleep is a new way of looking at the situation.

Thanks both for you time, and I'll certainly try jotting down and remembering the dreams, After years of bouts (weeks or months) I'm opening to trying anything (esp. as it's not just a new medication.) Thanks again!

Thank you so much for sharing this. I'm just starting to explore my childhood roots and found the content of this article very validating.

Hi everyone,

This is my first post, and first want to express my gratitude to those that have developed this site (discovered it via a good friend a few days ago and have already found it incredibly helpful.) I also really appreciate all of you for, yes, reading my post, but more importantly, just being here. To find a site in which so information resonates and to find a sense of community in this forum, to know I'm not alone, is incredibly comforting (though I do also feel badly so many others have to struggle with CPTSD. Really, it's a burden I sincerely wish was not so prevalent -or better yet, in existence at all.)

I was originally going to post this in the "EF" forum, but as I'm not sure if this is an emotional flashback, I thought this forum might be more appropriate. I'll keep it brief. I've had issues with insomnia as long as I can remember. I started taking sleep meds when I was 20 and, with the exception of the few years I spent in an abusive marriage, they have for the most part been effective. However, I do go through stretches in which I often wake up feeling absolutely panicked and ashamed in the morning. Sometimes I can remember the  awkward nightmare that put me in this mental state, other mornings I just know I wake up with guilt and dread. Most mornings I can shake the feeling within an hour or two, but some days it drags into the afternoon/evening hours.

I was wondering if this is anything anyone else has experienced this, or had any suggestions in how to manage (or even perhaps overcome??) this issue. Would this be considered an emotional flashback? Does the label matter?

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. Any feedback would be most appreciated.