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Those of you who have read my posts know some background. Those of you who don't will get the gist by reading the story.  Today he spent a large majority of the day talking about his ex. And referring too me as his friend. I want to be more than just his friend. I'm afraid to open that wound again we had this talk on Christmas Day (about 2 months in) that he works slowly and with the recent loved one's death. And that he wasn't sure if he was over his ex. He wasn't relationship ready. So many times tonight I wanted to ask him what would happen if she was no longer a part of his life. And then I really wanted to ask him what would happen if I was no longer part of his life. I want to be respectful of his wishes. At the same time I have things I'm needing and far too often I forget that. Ugh why can't I just tell him this why do I cave and mouse around him. Why am I so afraid he will reject me. If I could just be away from him and not have to see him anymore I'd walk away (although I probably wouldn't). But we share the same circle of friends and dear ones, so it is slightly more complicated. I'm kinda lost here and in for another sleepless night. I promised myself that I'd give it six months but I never clearly stated when that started. I guess I go by when we had the I'm not relationship ready talk. That would also give me time in my new treatment course. To begin working my own stuff out. So do I give it till June or do I buck up my courage and ask him the hard questions? In all honesty I'm probably needing to be further in my therapy before I do that so that I have better coping mechanisms. Help any insight is appreciated!

Never mind maybe I'm just doomed!  Today he spent a large majority of the day talking about his ex. And referring too me as his friend. I want to be more than just his friend. I'm afraid to open that wound again we had this talk on Christmas Day that he works slowly and with the recent loved one's death. And that he wasn't sure if he was over his ex. He wasn't relationship ready. So many times tonight I wanted to ask him what would happen if she was no longer a part of his life. And then I really wanted to ask him what would happen if I was no longer part of his life. I want to be respectful of his wishes. At the same time I have things I'm needing and far too often I forget that. Ugh why can't I just tell him this why do I cave and mouse around him. Why am I so afraid he will reject me. If I could just be away from him and not have to see him anymore I'd walk away (although I probably wouldn't). But we share the same circle of friends and dear ones, so it is slightly more complicated. I'm kinda lost here and in for another sleepless night. I promised myself that I'd give it six months but I never clearly stated when that started. I guess I go by when we had the I'm not relationship ready talk. That would also give me time in my new treatment course. To begin working my own stuff out. So do I give it till June or do I buck up my courage and ask him the hard questions? In all honesty I'm probably needing to be further in my therapy before I do that so that I have better coping mechanisms. Help any insight is appreciated!

You guys are awesome supportive. Thank you, and no I hadn't planned on revealing everything at once unless he brings it up or I end up in an episode around him. Which has yet to happen thankfully. We are only around 4.5 months in. I've never had a man want to get to know me before wanting intimacy (or perhaps that's just me projecting I dunno). He wants us to take our time and he's had a recent traumatic event in his life (passing of a parent). I'm still trying to figure out if this guy is for real. Or if it's me and the waiting for the other shoe to drop because in my experience that's what typically happens. I'm really trying not to read too much into things he says and does and situations. Simply because I don't want to have that self fulfilling prophecy thing that happens far too often with me. I think it's me self sabotaging myself so that when I do get hurt I can say see, see I knew this was going to happen. I want to break this cycle soooo bad you have no idea. I deserve it and he does too. He's a good man. I would be lucky to have him and vise versa I think.

I told a man I have been getting to know about what happened to me, in brief mind you.  I fully expected him to run and leave me hanging like the others have.  I just figured that the others decided that it was too much for them to handle. Anyway he didn't run he has if anything been more attentive and caring.  I was scared to death, still kinda am, but I'm working on fixing myself so that I can be the best me for me and a better person for him as well. I'm praying that this one sticks around cause I kinda like him.  Does anyone have any kind of experience with this. Where someone stayed instead of leaving?  How did you react?  How should I react?

Could someone move this to the more appropriate thread space I realized this is adult developed C-PTSD. I have issues from adult issues too but I feel that this might be better served in a different thread

Thank you I have been trying the letter writing for other things but never for this. I was always just stuffing it back in. Telling myself I am over this. Perhaps a letter would be helpful the idea of burning it I like, as well

I've read that children are often not believed when they try to tell someone. Does that happen a lot?  My mother didn't believe me. She interrogated me like a cop. What hand did he make you use questions like that. My predator died a year after I exposed him.  I felt like I was being let out of prison. And while I don't want him back for all the money in the world. I don't have the opportunity to tell him how much what he did hurt me. Or that I forgive him for it. Not because it was ok, it was not, but for my own peace.  I want to tell my mom that I wasn't lying. That I wasn't just doing it to get attention like I told her that night she woke me up at the age of 15in the middle of the night. Saying I have to know or this thing will put me in the nut house. It just never seems like the right time or she's too stressed out. I'm not sure what telling her this would accomplish except I would feel like I was releasing a weight. I know that it would cause her great anguish. And I NEVER want to do that. But what do I do?

I'm warning you this may trigger some. I'm new here I have been pouring over the palethera of information on the Internet and finally landed here. I was diagnosed a year and a half ago with PTSD due to the sustained physical and sexual abuse suffered by me in my childhood from the age of 9-13.   I couldn't help but think this isn't just as simple as that. Then I hit on C-PTSD. It fit nearly every single aspect. My eyes felt opened. The need to please everyone, the need to dramatize every little thing to be bigger than it is. The.... The flashbacks when a friend gives you a hug that's just a little to rough. The total disconnect from the memories that you know are there but you block them out because it was easier. Till they creep in when you are at work and someone says something that he used to say. The lack of knowledge of what healthy relationship boundaries are. Everything just fit. I could use the help here as I process. And encouragement as I learn that, THAT is not love that there are other types of intimacy that yield a greater love than something only physical. For too long I thought that was what love was that Ohhh if I give him this then he will love me. I could really use to hear that I am indeed not alone.