I just stumbled upon this website and read some stories that were quite relatable to me, to one degree or another. I would like to share some of my story with y'all. I don't really expect a response for some reason but I'm hoping someone out there feels the same way I do/ relates because, at this point, I'd like to know if I belong here and if there is hope. If you took a few moments of your time to read this it would mean a lot.
Childhood:
-I was born in to poverty, not extreme but I recall always being stressed about money from a young age.
- At some point I realized something was wrong with my mom. She used to kidnap me when I was young and I remember being scared/ confused/thinking I would be in trouble. She would leave my brother who was my very best friend. She was always in the hospital. I was 7 when we used to bring her to get electro shock therapy. She told me I was really an angel and I believed her. She told me many delusions of hers and I believed all of them. She also exposed me to strange sexual conversations about my father and disclosed to me, in detail, her childhood molestation when I was VERY young. Numerous suicide attempts. Eventually I learned she has Borderline PD and is schizoaffective.
-Father was physically abusive and extremely controlling. He frequently oscillated between telling me I was so smart and good to telling me I was a selfish b!tch, downfall of his marriage, etc, etc. He once loaded a shotgun and put it in his mouth and told me I drove him to the point of suicide because I didn't tell him I loved him before I went to bed. I witnessed him abuse my brother like he did to me and in all honesty, that hurt me more than him abusing me and was very traumatic for me.
- My mother left my dad when I was 15 and we had no money/ resources and she was sleeping with her attorney, who was 80. I saw him as a "good guy" and someone who helped. He let me work at his office after school and immediately began sexually molesting me. My mother knew what was happening and told me I had to do what I had to do. At one point, they made me watch and participate in relations between the 2 of them.
-My mom began smoking crack/ drinking heavily and left me. My brother and I had no electricity, no hot water, no plumbing. I used to take cold showers, steal food (or do drugs that kept me from being hungry) and use the bathroom in plastic bags and bury them.
-Eventually I was sent to rehab after going to police about the attorney. I got sober and met a man who I loved and we had a baby boy. Long story short, he changed. Started drinking heavily and being emotionally abusive, bad. All I wanted was to give him and our son a wonderful, loving life. The sexual and mental abuse intensified as time went on. He was doing speed and watching incest porn and our situation was deteriorating rapidly. At one point, I coerced him into telling me the truth about his desires by making him feel comfortable (manipulative, I know). He told me he abused his sister and basically he wanted to get her pregnant, wished I was her, fantasized about that wish when we were intimate, and that he was cross dressing. I left. He stalked me and continued to use his tactics, including telling me he was going to kill himself and our children, choking me and punching me. There were REAL, serious indications he abused our son, which I reported but these concerns were not substantiated. There is a whole story behind this but I will leave it at that. His home was raided 4 months later for Child Pornography and he is under investigation. He was diagnosed through the courts with ASPD in May. BTW, his family had become my family and when I left they all turned their backs on me despite knowing the abuse he inflicted on me and his sister.
-My father and grandmother died in a 6 week period during the course of the abuse.
-Jases mom got custody of our children because they are Native Americans and the tribe believed that due to the unstable nature of our relationship the kids were in danger (?!?!). His father is the chairman of the tribe. My ex lost visitation rights but he still sees them which troubles me. I have worked hard and am finally getting them back in May. This was absolutely gut wrenching to me because all I wanted to do was protect them.
-My best friend since 2010 unexpectedly died after overdosing on heroin last month (she had relapsed). I had plans with her that day and had talked to her hours before. It was a crushing blow for me.
There is a lot more that happened during all this but these are the major highlights. I'm 23 years old. I was diagnosed with a personality disorder not otherwise specified and told that it centered around people pleasing? Not too sure about that but I can see where I do feel an intense need to "prove" myself to others.
Here's the thing, when I (rarely) think about what I've actually been though, I minimize it and say I'm being overdramatic by thinking I've suffered. I have only *recently* come to the terms with the fact something is wrong. I trust no one. I hide so much from everyone. Relationship wise, I think I strictly use men for temporary pleasure and validation. I don't think anyone will ever love me. NO ONE. I have been on a quest to love myself and find myself but I am always haunted by the fact I have so much baggage. I feel pretty worthless and like there must be something inherently wrong with me. I don't tell anyone hardly about my past and constantly try to be okay, act like I'm fine and prove that nothing bothers me. Everyone believes Im okay lol, which is almost funny because I really feel like I'm different from everyone. I don't get attached to people. When people come and go in my life its like I don't even care. There's a lot more going on inside me but its difficult to put in to words, to be honest.
I am going to get trauma counseling because it was suggested to me today by a good friend of mine who is a social worker. I know you cant diagnose me. I just wanted to know if you think, based on your own experience, what I have been though sounds like c-ptsd. Sorry this is so long.
Childhood:
-I was born in to poverty, not extreme but I recall always being stressed about money from a young age.
- At some point I realized something was wrong with my mom. She used to kidnap me when I was young and I remember being scared/ confused/thinking I would be in trouble. She would leave my brother who was my very best friend. She was always in the hospital. I was 7 when we used to bring her to get electro shock therapy. She told me I was really an angel and I believed her. She told me many delusions of hers and I believed all of them. She also exposed me to strange sexual conversations about my father and disclosed to me, in detail, her childhood molestation when I was VERY young. Numerous suicide attempts. Eventually I learned she has Borderline PD and is schizoaffective.
-Father was physically abusive and extremely controlling. He frequently oscillated between telling me I was so smart and good to telling me I was a selfish b!tch, downfall of his marriage, etc, etc. He once loaded a shotgun and put it in his mouth and told me I drove him to the point of suicide because I didn't tell him I loved him before I went to bed. I witnessed him abuse my brother like he did to me and in all honesty, that hurt me more than him abusing me and was very traumatic for me.
- My mother left my dad when I was 15 and we had no money/ resources and she was sleeping with her attorney, who was 80. I saw him as a "good guy" and someone who helped. He let me work at his office after school and immediately began sexually molesting me. My mother knew what was happening and told me I had to do what I had to do. At one point, they made me watch and participate in relations between the 2 of them.
-My mom began smoking crack/ drinking heavily and left me. My brother and I had no electricity, no hot water, no plumbing. I used to take cold showers, steal food (or do drugs that kept me from being hungry) and use the bathroom in plastic bags and bury them.
-Eventually I was sent to rehab after going to police about the attorney. I got sober and met a man who I loved and we had a baby boy. Long story short, he changed. Started drinking heavily and being emotionally abusive, bad. All I wanted was to give him and our son a wonderful, loving life. The sexual and mental abuse intensified as time went on. He was doing speed and watching incest porn and our situation was deteriorating rapidly. At one point, I coerced him into telling me the truth about his desires by making him feel comfortable (manipulative, I know). He told me he abused his sister and basically he wanted to get her pregnant, wished I was her, fantasized about that wish when we were intimate, and that he was cross dressing. I left. He stalked me and continued to use his tactics, including telling me he was going to kill himself and our children, choking me and punching me. There were REAL, serious indications he abused our son, which I reported but these concerns were not substantiated. There is a whole story behind this but I will leave it at that. His home was raided 4 months later for Child Pornography and he is under investigation. He was diagnosed through the courts with ASPD in May. BTW, his family had become my family and when I left they all turned their backs on me despite knowing the abuse he inflicted on me and his sister.
-My father and grandmother died in a 6 week period during the course of the abuse.
-Jases mom got custody of our children because they are Native Americans and the tribe believed that due to the unstable nature of our relationship the kids were in danger (?!?!). His father is the chairman of the tribe. My ex lost visitation rights but he still sees them which troubles me. I have worked hard and am finally getting them back in May. This was absolutely gut wrenching to me because all I wanted to do was protect them.
-My best friend since 2010 unexpectedly died after overdosing on heroin last month (she had relapsed). I had plans with her that day and had talked to her hours before. It was a crushing blow for me.
There is a lot more that happened during all this but these are the major highlights. I'm 23 years old. I was diagnosed with a personality disorder not otherwise specified and told that it centered around people pleasing? Not too sure about that but I can see where I do feel an intense need to "prove" myself to others.
Here's the thing, when I (rarely) think about what I've actually been though, I minimize it and say I'm being overdramatic by thinking I've suffered. I have only *recently* come to the terms with the fact something is wrong. I trust no one. I hide so much from everyone. Relationship wise, I think I strictly use men for temporary pleasure and validation. I don't think anyone will ever love me. NO ONE. I have been on a quest to love myself and find myself but I am always haunted by the fact I have so much baggage. I feel pretty worthless and like there must be something inherently wrong with me. I don't tell anyone hardly about my past and constantly try to be okay, act like I'm fine and prove that nothing bothers me. Everyone believes Im okay lol, which is almost funny because I really feel like I'm different from everyone. I don't get attached to people. When people come and go in my life its like I don't even care. There's a lot more going on inside me but its difficult to put in to words, to be honest.
I am going to get trauma counseling because it was suggested to me today by a good friend of mine who is a social worker. I know you cant diagnose me. I just wanted to know if you think, based on your own experience, what I have been though sounds like c-ptsd. Sorry this is so long.