Messages

Thanks so much everyone for your hugs and warm words of care and understanding.  Very comforting.

Woodsgnome, I am sorry for your loss of friends too, so many, so close together must have felt like the earth was crumbling away from beneath your feet.  Love your name by the way.

Yes, the memories, her spirit will be with me always.

SS

Happy belated birthday Ancient Soul! I hope your dinner and time with your lady friend went wonderfully. 

True friends reciprocate kindnesses, effort, thoughtfulness, activities to connect.  I learned in business the importance of reciprocity, and, to give first.  So I generally do make the first effort, am generous by nature.  But I have learned, it is not all up to me, I give others the chance to reciprocate.  If they don't, I get the message they are not interested.  I used to feel rejected, but this too has changed, we are each different, and not all going to be warm and fuzzy.

My family is pretty much takers.  I the giver.  If I could not be used or useful to them, or said no the co-signing a loan for a nephew I never heard from or saw for decades, well, there has never been any more effort of contact.  Sometimes there are crumbs tossed my way, intermittent reinforcement, or Hoover attempts when they sense my distance.  This type of relationship I need to manage, detach, establish boundaries. 

Wishing you strength, success, wisdom and the love you deserve.

Summer Sun

Reading others friend related posts, I too have had challenges making good, lasting friends as an adult.  Some I've made have move away great distances.  Or I've moved a great distance.  Some I've outgrown and find a lack of commonality.  Then as a Manager while working, you couldn't be the boss and be friends too without a perception of unfairness or favortism.  I moved to a cliquy, small retirement community, and it took quite some time to make two solid friendships that are life giving, reciprocal, loving, warm places of acceptance. 

I am heartbroken that one of these gifts, my cherished friend, has passed away today.  I am grieving.  Even if expected, it is always so hard to believe she is really gone.  I will miss her terribly. 

My oldest friend is palliative too.  I've also lost two other good friends, with similar type relationships a number of years ago. 

So I am sad for me today, as it is FOC that offers a sense of purpose, and a place of belonging.  When this circle of safety declines, it triggers my abandonment fears.  Still, I am so grateful for the gift of time, the gift of my friend's love, the gift and privelege of being able to honour and serve her throughout her illness. Memories and her Essence will live on in heart.  I am thankful her suffering is over, and for her beliefs.

Thanks for listening.

Summer Sun

I'm sorry you are experiencing such anger, understandable, necessary to get, but so challenging to process. 

At on point in my therapy, she suggested I throw rocks in the ocean, pretending the rocks were the PD, and shout obscenities if need be, like "you $&@?!".  It felt good, certainly helped!  Lucky, it was a fairly secluded cove, only the seagulls thought I was crackers.

Wishing you better days ahead.

Thanks for the helpful responses.  The Link to "freeing yourself..." Was good for me.  I have a notebook that I make notes of key takeaways that resonate.  I am LC, and have tried various approaches like you Dutch Uncle, but have determined that "reason" is out of the question.  One would have to have some respect, empathy and care for others.  Boundaries, and speaking one's truths are used against me, silent treatment, p/a anger.  I am learning to disengage, no point trying to have a presence where there is no sincere desire for it. I am wearied from the facades and games.  Being The IP. 

Grieving the losses.  Still hard, feels at times like I've lost an anchor, even if it weights me down.  As the article said "they will eat away at the things that make you who you are... They will jeopardize your very well being."  This year, it's me first. 

Ditto as an HSP, the book was so enlightening.  In some cultures, HSP's are actually valued. 

I've been finding this site so helpful, to know others experience similar challenges.  I came across it some time ago when researching CPTSD, and found more than I expected.  So many answers, behaviours and traits of loved ones staring me in the face.  Assurances that I am not crazy. 

Background is one of abandonment, neglect, the spectrum of abuses.  So much crazy making history, hard to condense.  I've had lengths of therapy, have been successful with career, marriage, am a survivor, thrivor, overachiever, one could say recovering codependent. 

At the moment, my biggest challenge is siblings.  Anyone have experience and advice for dealing with an assertive sibling who has enough education to think herself capable of diagnosing and labelling everyone else, while behaving in controlling and passive-aggressive behaviours?  I am under the microscope and challenged at every turn, I guess the IP (without her directly labelling me)  and when I confront her, on her abuses, as graciously as possible, there is anger.  I of course wish for harmony, but it is seeming that reality is finally breaking through my whimsical heart, that there is no way of winning, or existing, and being accepted for who I am.  Reality that I never had a family, and never will (other than family of choice).