Messages

Wishing you blessings and that all goes well for you xx

Hey Coco   

Yes I started sessions about a month  with a Therapist who uses Peter Levine's Somatic Experiencing in her Counselling, she is also trained  to an advanced level using EMDR but no longer uses it in her sessions.   I consulted her after a hug which caused me to have a traumatic flashback in which I lost consciousness and time which freaked me out. 

Are you  thinking of trying somatic therapy?

xx

Hello

I have signed in and not received any replies to my post, not sure what the feelings are but they don't feel good.  Can someone say hello and respond even if you cant relate.  If there is anyone out there that can relate, please could you respond too?

Butterfly 66

Hi Twinkletoes

I am a little late replying to your thread but I can relate to what you call some sort of revelation,  I think I have experienced what you are saying, I call them realisations its where I experience a full connection with mind, body and spirit to something that I knew happened in the past but had never connected fully to it in the past, it feels like a new experiencing of something I have known all along.    I like you have questioned now what, after these realisations, I believe that this realisation/revelation can be the beginning of healing as you are finally able to connect to the past emotionally and mentally.  I am finding that memories start to come back to be felt and healed after realisations.

Blesssings
Butterfly,

Hi everyone,

I am feeling really scared and confused, so wondered whether anyone else has experienced or read about what I am experiencing.  I have felt like the past happened to someone else, at some point I disconnected to the whole of my past not only my childhood.   

I am doing a Domestic Violence 10 week group workshop, and last Tuesday week 4, I emotionally connected/realised that it happened to me, I went from intense crying, into shock like it was it was just happening, feeling it, rather than it being  something I had sort of known.   I must have denied, that I had been in an emotionally abusive relationship as an adult for 15 years.  It felt like the start of grief, like when I was told my mum died.    Since then I have been experiencing emotional memories often with what the memory is about, with the connection that it happened to me,  sometimes to something really random,

Today I realised that I, me had got a degree, that it happened to me, I had got a degree, this was during the 15 year abusive relationship  (it is so random but it brings up such intense negative emotions with it even though i realised I had got a degree ) the only way to describe this is like I have had a past but "ME or I as a person"  was never there to experience it and I am now experiencing it emotionally realising it happened to me, experience by experience,  it makes me cry so much and feel so sad.

This has followed on from last November when I emotionally connected to an attempt on my life, again that it happened to me, I went into depression and grief symptoms after this and isolated and withdraw quite a bit until the New Year when I have started baby steps coming out again.  (Hence why I have not been online)  and now further emotional realisations, which are painful, scary and making me feel so alone, and isolated and frightened, I am spending a lot of time being with myself and my body is feeling such pain.

I feel that there could be a gift in that I am connecting back to me, someone once said to me "that it was me that was missing"  in my life,

Can anyone relate to this?

Blessings to you all
Butterfly66

Hello  Melodie 

Welcome and thank you for being brave and sharing.  I hope you find the community on here supportive.  I am new here too and I have felt extremely welcome, I hope you find that too.

Thank you Sanmagic 7, Meursault, Fightsong, Three Roses, Woodsgnome and Jdog for all your replies I really appreciate your supportive and affirming words, thank you, thank you, thank you. 

So much is coming up and out that I can't quite keep up with it.  It's like my Inner Child has finally realised I'm here and there are others too that will listen to her and she wants to talk, that's fine with me , I hope it is with you all too, I'm not used to all this sharing and talking but I'm going with the flow.  She deserves to be heard and I feel like I have a safe place to share.   

I'm looking at an online helpline that I can also talk to until I am assigned a T, there is a waiting list of around 18 weeks for an organisation which specialises in adult survivors of childhood abuse and I want to make sure she is heard especially when feeling overwhelmed.

Thank you Wife2, tears are rolling down my face reading your beautiful reply, thank you, thank you, thank you, I accept your hugs.  There is more that my IC suffered, here I am validating her, the sweet child/children that went through so much and survived, I remember so little from my childhood, these are a few more pieces that I have gleaned, when my mum was hospitalised, I went for comfort to a friend's dad who sexually abused me and then I put on weight and was teased and bullied at school.  I was an only child who tried to tell the friend's mother who did not want to listen, didn't share anything about my school experience, don't remember if I knew then that anything was wrong with how I was being treated.  No where safe for her to go.  Thank you and blessings for your beautiful heart Wife2.

I have just felt some relief for sharing this, for your words and for my own validating words, so grateful.

Hello

Oooohhh this is very hard to write, I am feeling such shame but I started reading the section on Personality Disorders last night, it has often crossed my mind, whether I have developed or I am developing a Personality Disorder.   I couldn't stop reading on this forum and checked some links and I can see myself in the Personality Disorder checklists.  I came across this question about myself a number of years ago about Narcisstic Personality Disorder and decided my mum had the hallmarks, I then read about fleas and decided that maybe I had some fleas but I am worried it could have developed further.  I am aware and conscious and remember reading that if you are worried about NPD then you don't have it because a person with NPD would not consider this question.

I woke up in the middle of the night worrying that I may have a personality disorder and I am flawed, defective in a deep way and wrote about it in my semi consciousness, what was coming out was that no one will want me or love me because I am flawed. I listened to my beautiful meditation and got back to sleep.

The this morning I woke up in a panic about there being something inherently defective/wrong with me.  I drew a picture.  Then I used a tool that I have used in the past asking myself what I want to happen or experience, often looking at the opposite which is perfect!  I know perfection does not exist so I suppose I want to be okay just as I am, to be loveable just as I am.   It was not a head thing I got into that feeling of feeling defective/flawed.  Oooohhh I wanted to cry so much I felt like exploding inside, everything wanted to come out.  I did cry a little and I am crying now writing this.

After the EF/emotional processing yesterday which it felt like it was about being abandoned by my dad at 6 months then at 14 years when he took his life, I wonder whether my IC  felt something was wrong with her back then, that she was unloveable because my dad did not see me again from 6 months until I was 5 years old, I wonder whether with having an emotionally unavailable mother aswell, I took on that belief that no body loved me, that there must be something wrong with me because I did not have a dad like everyone else and therefore I was unloveable,  I wonder whether I have carried this all my life unconsciously. 

I have side tracked but when I listen or read about NCD on here and listen to Spartan Life Coach I feel shame such shame/cringing in my shoulders.  I wonder whether I have the NPD behaviours because I am aware I crave attention, I so want to feel loved.  I feel so afraid that I also have a PD.

I am new here, it's all coming up and having kept it all inside for so long it so wants to come up and out, I have only recently been put on a waiting list for counselling for adult survivors of child abuse.  I have had counselling in the past many times but never with access to feelings and emotions so I feel I am ready to move forward with the healing, just wish I had a T to talk through these issues now, whilst they are coming up.  at the moment body work and homeopathic remedies are part of my support.  I feel like this feeling of being defective/flawed is at the very core of what's causing my shame, why I could possibly unconsciously hide the true me.

Can anyone relate to this? experienced any healing in T?

Thank you so much for this space to finally share, to feel like others understand, it's so invaluable,  I am even wondering sharing all this, is this a PD trait?  Crazy wish I hadn't started to read about PD's.  Here goes I'm going to share, going to do it, go on press the Post button......

Hello everyone

I don't know whether there is a difference, last night I met up with a friend, it was our last evening together as she is going off travelling to India this week and unsure where she will settle after her journey, she has sold her home and her belongings are in storage.

I was present during the evening and we had a meal together,  when I drove her home I said I don't know how to do this, goodbye or what is it, we said "see you" and there is likely to be contact via what's app if she gets a new phone in time. 

She has really let go and following the pulls in her life after s difficult 4 year journey for her where she has been literally forced to let go.  I didn't have an emotional reaction last night I felt amazingly calm and enjoyed the evening with her, something I have not experienced in a while, despite most days not being able to get dressed or going until early afternoon.

Then this morning I didn't want to open my eyes, to face the day, when I got out of bed, for some reason I had I hate you thoughts going on in my head, usually I am not aware of my head chatter just awash with emotion, I then went through a huge  process, not sure in which order now, I drew the hate, then wrote about hate, which ended up about darkness and light, I sat with what was going on in my body, I found an emptiness in my chest which flowed through to a tightness in my tummy at the side, I asked its colour and if it was a musical,sound what wouldn't be and hummed it, I then felt this growling release as the tightness began to,open,

I put music on to dance, It didn't do anything, I put on some sad songs and cried and cried and remembered my dad, then this hatred again, I got the rolling pin out and pounded the bed and pounded it really letting loose, I then wrote some more and cried some more, comforted myself and then danced with some dance music.  I feel I may have been emotionally processing something deep, or was it an emotional flashback because my friend is leaving to travel and I feel the loss, grief and abandonment.  I am feeling pretty flat now, low and flat.  It was s tough process whatever it was.
I get a sense it was about my dad, who I did not see from 6 months until I was 5 years old, then infrequently until he took his life when I was 14 years.  I think this may have been abandonment  from when I was 6 months old, can you feel abandonment at this age, I don't know, but it needed to be felt whatever it was.

I'm now feeling alone and sad and abandoned so I am reaching out to share what has happened this morning to me instead of keeping it inside.  Th reality is that I am not alone and abandoned I have myself and a community to talk to now.  If you read this, I would appreciate it if you could stop by and write to me even if it is just say hello to me.

Blessings
Deb x

Thank you all for your messages of welcome   

Fen, I also listen to a meditation on you tube called in the arms of safety by Jason Stephenson, it is so beautiful and helps me drift off to sleep with Teddy and my blanket. I am so grateful for this music on you tube.   .  What is the method of therapy that helps to release trapped emotions, I have tried to apply the Emotion code to release trapped emotions in the past, have you heard of the Emotion Code?

Blessings to you all x

Hello and welcome

I'm from the UK too, I too do lots of writing not inner child work specifically, just writing about what's going on inside my head and my body and then sometimes drawing with felt tip pens.

Hi Ukelelebadly

Welcome, I'm new on here too and also I have the same concern about the possibility of being triggered by reading posts on here so I can resonate fully with what you are saying. 

That's wonderful, I really resonate with being kind to yourself and kind words through to the other side.   

Thank you Three Roses, wow every single word resonated with you!

I feel that you understand, I feel understood 

A huge thank you