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I used to want to "deck" the next person who told me to take things a day at a time. But with time  , I realized it's true! That still doesn't make it easy at all. Some days go so well, and then the boat rocks big time! With the loss of my daughter, I sometimes feel guilty when I'm having good days, because it feels so nice to seem to be normal. But I have to admit that the bad times are really bad. Well, here goes to another day at a time! I'm new at these posts and I appreciate the help all of y'all give me! I know I'm not really alone, although most days it feels like it. People who are not dealing with CPTSD really don't understand, but how can they? Thank you for being there.

I wrote the first poem about the msg from my daughter right after I woke up one morning. My daughter was telling me her love and spirit is still with me. I wrote the following poem as a way to vent my anger about domestic violence, which is what killed my daughter. She continues to help me with my anger and sorrow. I consider her spiritual help to be a large part of my recovery from CPTSD.

Their eyes are open,
but they don't see.
Their ears are ready,
but they don't hear.

And abuse pierces lives
with pointed spears.

They turn away from
the fearful cries.
They pretend not to see
the tracks of tears.

While abuse pierces lives
with pointed spears.

They donate money
to compensate.
They pat their own backs
with sideways cheers.

Still, abuse pierces lives
with pointed spears.

Everyone who sees the "me" that I broadcast would say that I'm very friendly and social, always with a smile and easy to laugh. But I find myself wanting to be alone and not having to broadcast that "me". At work, it's the easiest. I have a purpose and I know that the time is limited, so I can go the distance that is needed. When I'm asked to go out socially, sometimes it's ok, but often it requires too much of me and I make an excuse not to go out. I sit home alone and read, hoping that no one will call or drop by. Honestly, if someone does drop by, I don't answer the door. And I don't answer the phone; texting an evasive answer is easiest. Is it ok that I WANT to be alone? Reading takes me away from all those flashbacks and I can temporarily be in another place. Friends say I need to "get out more" but it takes too much energy and I'm constantly on guard that something will trigger me to feel sad and cry. My radar these days is rather large for those triggers. Anyway, I stay by myself a lot when I'm not at work.

Absolutely beautiful

I am not gone.
Hold your head up.
Close your eyes.
And Listen.

Hear the birds sing.
Hear the leaves rustle.
Hear the children laugh.
That is me.

I am not gone.

Hold your head up.
Open your eyes.
And Look.

See the sunshine.
See the friendly smiles.
See the world new each day.
That is me.

I am not gone.

Hold your head up.
Stay very still.
And Breathe.

Hear the whisper in your ear that makes you smile.
Feel the soft touch on your arm that keeps you steady.
Bathe in the love surrounding you that makes you stronger.
Remember my spirit that gives you courage.

I am not gone.  I am with you.