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My recent journey helped me find this website as well as a therapist who is two hours away and specializes in women's trauma. I just had my first session, and as soon as it was over I started crying because I finally found someone who validated everything I've felt my entire life. Teletherapy is not my first choice, but I don't care. Finding a therapist who asked me all the right questions and clearly understands what trauma looks like and how it impacts every aspect of your life, felt, well, like feelings I've never experienced; validation, honest to goodness hope, and the belief that I really can move my life forward in a constructive and healthy way, She confirmed that I'm doing all the right things to eventually heal from complex ptsd.

The past year discovering what's happened to me has been excruciating largely because I can now see the damage I've done to my children, my partner and his daughter, my ex-husband and myself. Mending those relationships (yes, even with my ex-husband) are what is most important to me. Becoming content with my life is a close second. I'm on the right path and I'm beginning to understand that I'm far stronger than I've ever felt.

Validation feels like a gift to me, and I believe that it will continue giving to me for the rest of my life. The healing process sucks, but i can see the potential rewards now. I'm so very grateful for everything right now. 

Thanks to everyone in this group for sharing your struggles, setbacks and successes with cptsd. Feeling validated is amazing! Hope is real!!!

Hi Phil. Congratulations on getting through the hard work of recovery and making it to the other side.  Sharing your journey was extremely brave, and certainly helpful and motivating to me personally. Your admission about the "The need to find out what happened and the need to control my body's responses day to day...." being what summarized your experience definitely struck a chord. The need to understand what happened to me is what has kept me going and I don't think healing would be possible for me without it. Only then was I able to start working on my behaviors and responses. I'm not through to the healing yet, but I now believe that it's really possible.  Thank you for sharing!

Hello to everyone and thanks for reading about my journey.

I am 50 years old and started therapy when I was 30. I've known something was wrong since adolescence, but had no idea what. I grew up with my brother and both biological parents. We lived in a nice house and everything seemed fine. I have always been close to my parents, especially my mother, and throughout my life my friends have always adored my mom and admired our relationship. My family now lives 5 minutes away from my parents and they are deeply involved in all of our lives.

My "symptoms" have included exhaustion, uncontrollable rages, no sense of self, an inability to trust, a consistent inner voice saying I was a pathetic loser, taking out my pain on those closest to me, substance abuse, self-hatred, and slowly shutting down until I had ruined my career and the majority of my relationships. There are more "symptoms", but these are the most debilitating. I put symptoms in quotes because no doctor, friend, family member or therapist ever thought they were symptoms. Instead I was made to feel lazy, ungrateful, and dramatic. I came to believe I was just plain crazy.

It's taken 20 years of therapy, immense pain and isolation, and a lot of research to discover that my mother has covertly narcissistic tendencies, and yes, I do believe she suffers with NPD. That research led me to learn about complex PTSD. Upon reading about each disorder, all I could do was cry for several days. Suddenly, everything made sense. I knew I'd FINALLY figured out what was wrong with me, even if nobody else believed it. Turns out my mom is a master of manipulation, shifting blame, triangulation, and "helping" me see that every instinct I've ever had is wrong.

I found a therapist who specializes in CPTSD and specifically, female trauma. I have hope for the first time ever that with time, talking & self care I'll be able to move my life forward and help mend the damage I have done to my own children.

I'm so glad I found this website – I'm in desperate need of community. I added an avatar to my profile as a way to say 'I am here' because I have spent my life feeling so invisible and invalidated. It's time to take back my life and discover who I really am.

Thank you!!!

Hi Jessicat,

I am also new to this forum and wanted to offer you good vibes and soothing thoughts as you continue reaching out for help.  I hope that we both find what we're looking for here and continue the healing process. Good luck to you.
-Kristin