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Hi New Life,

I know this topic is old but I came across it and wanted to reply. I can see that you're suffering a lot and that your situation is not at all easy so I wanted to extend some support and sympathy. Also congrats for dealing with your mother in the way you have which I'm sure was not at all easy.

I also have chronic pain due to cPTSD and can relate to your diffculty finding basic safety in a body that is constantly telling you otherwise. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia recently which has obviously been there a while and have a frozen shoulder, which whilst not a chronic illness is long term and both highly debilitating and very painful at times. I have recently gradually withdrawn from psychiatric medication after a long time using it which is probably why these symptoms have come to the surface. I can 'switch off' much of this pain with antids and painkillers but I really don't want to do that as I believe the pain is a message that has something to teach me. I do fully undestand however that people choose to use medication to manage pain as my sister does because there are a lot of variables involved and I am lucky not really to have any responsibilities other than myself so I have control over my life and actions.

I find practising both awareness and acceptance of the pain to be the way to mitigate its negative effects on me. As with many things trauma related there seems to be a paradox here where I find that the more I ignore the pain the more it bothers me, but the practise of having some awareness on it as often as possible, especially during movement, seems to reduce the fear associated with it. I think with cPTSD we develop a relationship with pain over our lifetimes that strongly reinforces the message that 'something is very wrong' which exacerbates fear which then cyclicly increases the pain and so on. By being aware of it and naming it as pain which is a result of past negative experiences coupled with some acceptance of it as 'it is what it is' we are able to gradually break that cycle to some extent and over times it certainly becomes weaker and less bothersome. I find my mind gives me messages about how this pain is unacceptable, it's dangerous, it shouldn't be happening, it's their fault, it's my fault etc, all of which are resistance to the reality of the pain and as much of the pain is often related to tension which in itself is a form of resistance, more of that just feeds the negative cycle.

Not sure if this is at all helpful, but I am increasingly finding that a somewhat spiritual approach to this trauma healing is really helpful as it has a way of rewiring the unhelpful associations we have with our symptoms.

I really hope things have improved for you since you wrote this and it would be good to hear how you're getting on.

Cheers

Marko

Thanks for this thread Owl!

I have also struggled with this for years and it definately started before I was 10. Mornings were stressful and pressured times in my house and I've never liked them since.

I can say however that as my recovery progresses this aspect has definately got easier. I do know on a biochemical level it is related to cortisol levels which vary throughout the day and ours are unusually high (I think) in the morning. So meds can help with this as they can even this out.

I agree Owl that it has something to do with our conscious defences being down during the night, so we're at the mercy of our unregulated trauma for 8 hours or so. I can also relate to the lack of ability to do parts work which becomes more avaiIable later in the day. I do a lot of emotional processing work with quite a lot of body awareness so in the mornings I have found that surrendering to the emotion of fear, despair or whatever flavour it happens to be, staying in bed for an hour and really working with that emotion gets me to a point where I can face the day without too much pain.

Hey NewSummer3,

It sounds good that you're embarking on some bodywork. I think it could be useful because working with the body inherantly targets the older parts of the brain where the fear and panic are stored. I too have this issue but it sounds like less strongly than you, as well as the more higher level emotional dysregulation which is better addressed via relational work and stories, so I find a mixture of two necessary in getting to all areas of the brain.

CRM is really good for this as it is a very big modality that comes at things from all angles but is structured in such a way that it is not overly complex. My T and I spend most of our time working in it even though she is trained in 4 modalities. We've been working with it for nearly 2 years and although I still have work to do I've come on leaps and bounds during that time. During the worst of the pandemic we worked remotely and it was good, so if you can't find anybody locally that could work. One of the philosophies behind it that I really like is that it emphasises the importance of self relience at every stage so that you don't develop a dependancy on the therapist and have tools to keep yourself ok between sessions which become honed over time. You mention dissociation which is a core aspect of CRM. Due to the utilisation of mulitple layers of resourcing you are able to face your deepest emotions but are able to stay with them until they resolve therefore avoiding retraumatisation. If you feel yourself 'drifting off' during emotional processing you can use, for example, one of your eye positions to bring yourself back to safety. The resources can also be used in your daily life to keep yourself present and aware of your emotional reality.

My friend is just starting working with Family Constellations and it looks really good. I can imagine the group aspect of it could be very powerful!

I'm pleased for you in a way that meds didn't work, because for me they have in some ways helped but they have obscured a lot of things which I think has made everything slower and more complicated, and it's as if the goal posts are constantly moving when withdrawing....but that's another thread!

Keep fighting. You're a warrior 🙂💪

Hey Papa Coco,

Thanks for your warm welcome and great post 😊 I can relate to some of your experiences being an HSP, ex addict and having been in therapy almost continuously for 20 years. I was just thinking to myself earlier how high the quality of the posts are here, full of insight and compassion. I find myself being touched on a daily basis by the authenticity, sensitivity and acumen expressed by others and having the opportunity to share my thoughts and experiences with others who understand and respond with interest is a real blessing and something I didn't realise I needed until now! The power of a caring, respectful community of like minded people cannot be underestimated 🙂

Thanks Kizzie 🙂

It's a very pertinant point you have made, and something I think is one of the bigger challenges in healing from complex PTSD as opposed to normal PTSD. My friend had a car accident some years back and had a 3 year recovery from broken limbs and some accompanying PTSD. I have been trying to explain to him that his recovery enabled him to return to 'himself' which is a concept that is alien to me and those of us with cPTSD. We have no reference, we don't know what it is to feel safe in our skin and around others and to magic up this feeling/state is not easy. But, going back to what woodsgnome and I discussed earlier in this thread, I think that within us, however obscured and elusive, this does exist, and our task in healing is to keep finding this place, growing it and learning to live there whilst deconstructing the trauma that hides it and prevents access to it.

I had no idea pre and perinatal trauma existed until late last year when my T regressed me back to my Core Self, which is a timeless state that exists beyond any trauma - its one of the more spiritual aspects of CRM and is another discussion but is useful to have access to. During the process, as she counted back from my current age right through to conception various points were encountered where there was obvious trauma, indicated by a sometimes violent bodily reaction, with the strongest of those being the prenatal period. A couple of months later she excitedly informed me that she had just finished the Pre and Perinatal training which is part Raja Selvam's Integral Somatic Psychology who was her advanced Somatic Experiencing trainer some years before. So she taught me technique and we spent the next couple of sessions practising it. It's actually relatively straight forward and once learnt is something that can be done on your own. I'm really not pushing anybody's products here but he is offering this training as a series of videos on his website which are intended as additional training for therapists but if you've had some somatic therapy experience you'd be able to pick it up.

I have in periods of my life been haunted by a very murky, non-specific sense of dread and darkness which is without words and has only a blurry visual element. It first appeared around the time of my father's death 20 years ago. I have come to learn that this is very early life trauma from the prenatal period and possibly a few years following when my developing brain was only capable of detecting a vague sense of 'something is not right/I am not safe/I am going die' with no meaning or rationale attached to it. Nevertheless my survival system, which of course was online from the moment of conception deemed it wise to store this information and it became the basis for my sense of the world from then on.

Doing the work, for me at least, goes something like this. Whilst lying or sitting an emotion either comes up or is inticed via words; usually fear, shame, rage or a sense of fragmentation. I then find the accompanying sensation in the body and often use a hand to support it, or I put my hands in one the positions Raja recommends to regulate the body. During this and at all times it is important to keep some attention on the actual emotion. I then additionally regulate my body using various movements which tend to come naturally whilst also toning which is the allowing of the body to make any noises it wishes to. Needless to say I tend to do this only when the house is empty! With some attention it is then possible to allow the emotional energy which will habitually be contained near to the CNS/core to flow into other areas of the body such as the limbs and head. I will experience quite strong electric shock sensations throughout various parts of the body, often followed by a strong sense of relief and release of tension throughout the whole system. I'll try to keep this up for 30 minutes or more which can be pretty hard, but is possible. Afterwards I am left with a sense of feeling somehow bigger, calmer and more present. I also notice that I am triggered by both internal and external events less frequently and with less intensity. I think in fact I am still being triggered but as there is more of my body available to handle the emotion before hitting overwhelm and dysregulation I don't experience the emotion as unpleasant so it tends to come and go without drama. I will add that I have an incredibly sensitive nervous system due to various factors and I have to be very careful that I don't overstep a very fine line with any type of trauma processing, this included. I think my NS is pretty unusual though and I believe for most people this work can be completed quite quickly, make a huge difference to the way you handle emotion and enable the processing of later trauma to be quicker and easier.

Sorry if that's a bit of rant.... I can get carried away with these things but I hope that's useful.

Hi NewSummer3,

Firstly, I'm sorry to hear you are suffering so much and obviously have been for a long time. Secondly I'd like to say how much I respect you for your determination and resourcefulness. I think somebody with those qualities will eventually find answers and you just have to keep looking and experimenting.

Also sorry to hear about the experiences with the psychiatrists which sound downright cruel and unprofessional. I have also had a lot of negative experiences with psychiatrists, although not all. When you are in so much pain you are very vulnerable and comments and bad attunement like that can cut deep.

I have not had any experience with the neurological treatments you have tried so I can't comment on that, but I just want to speak from my own experiences where I have discovered that my trauma runs incredibly deep. I know for certain that there is pre and perinatal trauma suffered in the womb and possibly during birth, and of course childhood and subsequent adult trauma, but I am also aware of a lot of generational trauma picked up from my family through no fault of their own. I think the more sensitive amongst us are susceptible to these things, and as I'm doing my emotional processing work I am increasingly aware that much of the deep fear and shame that I carry are not really my own and I've inherited or absorbed from my family. We know that there are epigenetic mechanisms at work that transmit trauma through the generations and if unresolved my opinion is that it can actually become magnified in the next generation. I mention this because your post resonates with me as you mention your symptoms are very physical and elusive which I can very much relate to.

Maybe you have already looked at these things so apologies if I am talking about things you have already tried. I am currently working in the Comprehensive Resource Model which is excellent for discovering and processing all types of complex trauma and the pre and perinatal techniques from Integral Somatic Psychology and although my journey is long and arduous everything is steadily moving in the right direction.

Keep hoping and searching and you will get to a better place!

Thank you very much for the warm replies all, I am glad I took this risk 

I'm glad to see that you see hope in my post woodsgnome. I do have that alongside determination, both of which I am very grateful for, and I'm not sure where these are from but they are certainly from beyond the trauma! I think we all have these otherwise we wouldn't be here looking for answers.

Beekeeper, this is a very common experience of mine, haha 'whoa....stop the world, I wanna get off', or at least it used to be. My therapist and I mainly work in the Comprehensive Resource Model these days. It utilises layers of resources (breathwork, body awareness and vizulisation amongst many others) which provide a sense of safety and belonging during emotional processing which is really effective in avoiding the aforementioned overwhelm and allowing the emotion to be fully processed and become part of 'the past'. I have learnt the hard way though that if I am not adequately resourced it can hurt, a lot, for days afterwards! Ive found it to be a 2 pronged approach of building safety and feeling what you couldn't previously feel, both of which have equal importance.

The SE work was incredibly useful Armee and led me towards working in modalities that incorporate relational aspects, body awareness and spirituality, and for me its this combination that is leading me steadily towards healing.
Earlier this year my therapist taught me a technique from Integral Somatic Psychology which deals with pre and peri natal trauma, ie trauma suffered at any time before you were born. At this early age it can have a significant impact on the patterns you set up for emotional regulation and can be a contributing factor in emotional overwhelm later in life. Pre and peri natal trauma can happen if the mother is under stress whilst pregnant, and may include things like domestic abuse, sudden death in the family and being born during WW2. The technique involves feeling both the sensation of and emotion of usually fear, rage or shame whilst regulating the body. The idea is to move the emotional energy away from the central nervous system and out into as much of the body as possible which increases your emotional capacity and therefore leads to less overwhelm etc. It really works but isn't the most fun thing to do on a Saturday afternoon! Here's a link to the modality: https://integralsomaticpsychology.com

Hi Geneva, I first did Somatic Experiencing 6 years ago and after doing a lot of talk therapy before that I would say that's when I turned a corner and really started my long healing journey. I may be wrong, but I think SEPs who have trained to the advanced level will be working in a relational manner, so it depends really on the training and working methods of the therapist.

I agree with Kizzie that a relational approach is absolutely necessary and my experience has been that a multifaceted approach involving both that and body awareness can be really effective.

My therapist and I rarely use straight SE techniques these days as she has subsequently trained in other modalities but I am very glad that I did the SE work which was really effective at teaching me to regulate my NS and growing body awareness, which I think are very useful skills to have in this healing journey.

BTW I've done a few online SE sessions and it can work well.

Good luck with the search!

Hi all,

I came across this forum recently as I feel the need to be around people who are dedicated to healing their cPTSD and not resigned to some belief that they have to live with it forever. I've done a lot of work and have made some great progress over the last 3 years after finding a wonderful therapist. I'm a bit nervous coming out into the open here as I have some social anxiety but I think this will be good for me as I've learnt the only way to overcome fear is to go through it in a safe and supportive environment. It's great to come across a community of people who are courageous enough to face their suffering in a world that too often pretends it doesn't exist.

I grew up in a highly dysfunctional family with a narcissistic mother and alcoholic father who both had depression/anxiety/rage issues - of course this was just the way it was and was considered 'normal'. As well as chronic anxiety and depressive episodes I spent the first 20 years of my adult life with multiple substance addictions which I finally beat 8 years ago and have recently been getting off psychiatric medication which has also been a 20 year stint. I'm at a tiny dose of the last medication now and taking the last bit very slowly, but very nearly there. I've done a lot of therapy and started healing properly about 6 years ago when I discovered Somatic Experiencing and I have recently been working with the Comprehensive Resource Model and Integral Somatic Psychology which have proven to be incredibly effective at facilitating the access to and healing of deep and very old emotional pain.

What I have learnt and focus much of my attention on now is that the feeling of this massive reservoir of unfelt emotion that sits in my body and subconscious mind is the way to liberation from my painful past. The aforementioned coping strategies that I've used along the way are no longer serving me and whilst I still have considerable challenges I am now strong and skilful enough to be able to work through this emotion in a carefully resourced manner with each passing week bringing a deeper sense of calm, more connection to self and appreciation of the beauty and simple things in life. I'm not sure that I will ever get to a point where everything is 'OK', but I believe I will continue to heal and grow in ways that I could not possibly have imagined had I not had my difficult childhood.

Thanks for letting me be part of this community and I hope I can both benefit from and contribute to!