Messages

Arpy1, thank you so much. Remembering to breathe is so important and keeping my focus on the breath -- it's such a simple act, but crucial in regaining emotional regulation. Thank you for being here for me today. I'm better now, but still edgy. That makes sense. Happy Thanksgiving to you!

Thank you, Arpy1, for your kind and thoughtful replies. My emotional responses are divorced from what I know to be real and true, rationally. I did read the Pete Walker list of ways to handle flashbacks. Most are easier to do if you're not having a flashback! I do find him to be quite helpful and basic. I need that. He suggests being around safe people. Easy for him to say. I don't know why the little emoticons won't paste. Everything feels futile. Ha! Thank you again for your sweet response. I'm trying to decide whether to cancel my Thanksgiving participation with said family group -- don't want to make things worse. I think if I cancel, that won't help matters. No, I need to go on Wed., help shop and cook as usual, and just not get into any arguments. There, the decision is made! I feel ever so much better. You helped me immensely, Arpy1! Happy Thanksgiving to you!

I 'm new here. Hello, everyone. After many decades of therapy, EMDR, mindfulness, CBT, and much money spent, hundreds of books read, prayers prayed, meditations done on cushions, chairs, and walked, here I am -- again, ambushed by an emotional flashback that's held me in its grip for over 14 hours now. I can't talk myself out of it. I'm hyper-aware of my core truth -- that I'm a bad person.

When I was five, my family disappeared. I went to live for months with relatives I didn't know, and they got angry with me when I asked where my family went. I believed they left because I was bad. My father visited once that I recall and yelled at me. He was rather impatient with children. As it happens, my mother had been hospitalized with what was then called a "nervous breakdown," and the family was reunited after three or more months of ECT for her. She was never able to handle much emotionality after that. I only learned what happened to her when I was in my late 20s. It was never discussed at home.

I was also sexually abused and raped by an adult family acquaintance when I was 5-8. My mother found out and blamed me, saying, "Nice girls don't."

As I was growing up, when I made a mistake, my mother would tell me, "I'll never trust you" or "I'll never forgive you,"

My mother had a very sweet personality to most people.

I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 but managed to have a successful professional career. It was a struggle.

I went out to dinner tonight with my brother, his wife, and two of his young adult children whose company I adore. The evening started well, conversation was lovely, food was good, and there was lots of laughter. At some point, a political topic came up. The young adults were too wise to get very involved, but at some point my brother's wife and I (who hold differing views) became disagreeable enough to make my brother leave the table and the restaurant (We weren't throwing dishes or screaming, but why were we on that topic?). I apologized repeatedly, and have been beating myself up since then. I feel deeply ashamed; I feel like a BAD unworthy person. I feel unforgivable. I feel as if my brother hates me. Nothing ever got worked out in my family. No matter how I try to handle this, it will only make things worse. That last sentence (about making things worse) is what I fear is true. The reality is that we just hold differing opinions, and we expressed our disagreements. We both know better; we aren't going to change the other person's mind. I am totally over-reacting. This was NOT a mindful way to handle the topic of politics.