Messages

My heart goes out to you so much. Ever since I was a kid, I've been a perfectionist and took longer to do things than other kids because of it. I would get made fun of and bullied, told I was stupid for not keeping up. That negativity has stretched into the present. I'm 41 now. I got my dream job at a research library that happened to be in a bad part of town and attracted a lot of scary situations. It got to where my hypervigilance and anxiety affected my work so much I had to quit. I still feel so many negative emotions from that: cowardice, inadequacy, and just plain self-hate. I'm looking past those emotions now for the first time and realizing that I'm not a coward or stupid. The trick is to remember you're safe, you'll be safe after whatever happens happens, and that nobody is owed an explanation about why you feel the way you feel. I'm cheering for you!

Thank you all so very much for all the kindness and compassion! I feel like this is one of the best things I've done in a long time. And thank you for your suggestions! This is going to be a long hard road out of *, but I'm finding support in many places. Again, I thank you all for that!

I was drawn to your post title because I am also starting to feel again, I know exactly what you mean! I grew up holding everything in, all my emotions and feelings. Part of why I'm here on the forum is learning to cope with feeling so much all the time. I cry every day, it's hard not to. Even harder when not everyone is so understanding. But I do it anyway.
I'm so happy you're feeling everything again. I wish you happy healing!

Hello everyone, I am 41, and a trauma and abuse survivor. I've never had adequate mental health care, mostly because of the shortage of doctors where I live (the American Southwest). I've never been formally diagnosed with C-Ptsd, but I've read quite a bit about it. It seems to explain things about myself that weren't explainable before. Before Covid hit, I had a breakdown and had to take an absence of leave from my job. Covid aggravated everything.

I can't go back to my job yet, I'm supposed to move with my family to a new place at the end of the month. But this month, something shifted. I stopped taking my medications because of losing insurance. But the last two weeks I have been keeping myself together through brute force of will. I know that none of this advisable, but it's the only time I've ever felt myself improve, even if it's just a little.

I just want to stay alive. I don't want to die from this.

I'm not sure what more to say. I'm looking forward to learning more about myself and I hope I can help out when I can, as well. Thank you for this site!