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I'm new here and posted a bit about my story and the most traumatic event that shaped my CPTSD-Abandonment/Neglect.
But I wanted to take this time to talk about my FOO.
I was diagnosed in October (last month) with CPTSD and it's been a huge revelation.

At this time I spoke to my middle brother about my diagnosis to which he received me very well and told me everyone has to cope with trauma to a certain degree although maybe not as heavily as I have (He works as a LEO). He told me he was proud of me and would be here for me if I needed anything. He has always been fair and incredibly warm with me. I have no ill feelings just some personal guilt and shame about being so withdrawn and at times, unable to go visit him (he lives 2 hours away). It's still hard talking to him because he and my parents have a great relationship, he's essentially their golden child, and I can't always explain how my mother is treating me or making me feel without him getting defensive or upset, although he admits she's got issues, 'blaming' won't fix anything.

I spoke to my mother about it briefly but she has seen the full range of bad behavior. From womanizing, substance abuse, personal theft against her (I've stolen money from her and my father when I was a teenager, partially what spurred them getting so concerned and sending me to a facility in Utah). After all my behavior she is very leery of me, doesn't trust me, even when I was in a 12 step program, lived on my own and had a lot going for me, she has and probably always will be this way. In either case I can't speak to her specifically, I sat her and my father down and told them I'd been seeing a therapist and had been diagnosed with CPTSD/Abandonment.
I think she doubts it but on many occasions she's told me to 'get my stuff together (meaning get a job and be independent)', "figure it out" and been very short and condescending a lot of times. She herself has anxiety and takes medication for it but it honestly, might allow her to function but she sometimes herself is such a mess with paranoid ideations, always waiting for the other shoe to drop as they say. I struggle with my feelings for my mom, in one hand I want love and support, on the other hand I can't stand how she treats me, the only help her and my father offer at this point is a place to rest my head. She used to give me rides if I needed to go to work or something but about a year ago I got caught in bad weather 10 miles from home and was walking. I had to call my Dad for a ride or walk 10 miles in a small snowstorm. He was sick and my mother answered. She came to get me but she was furious, told me "I got myself out there I could get myself home" she also called me a 'parasite' to the family and said a lot of other things I don't remember because I began to hyperventilate, "see-red" and I just completely shutdown and 'black/brown outed' the rest of the ride home, when she called me a parasite it struck a heavy cord in my stomach and chest. It's very likely after taking with my therapist that I'll be taking a break or a permanent backseat in her regards, I currently don't have enough going for me or thick enough skin to take her verbal abuse when she lashes out, seemingly unprovoked. I almost pity her but it's tough because I did behave really horribly as a teenager, did a lot of things that would concern a parent.

I spoke to my father about my diagnosis and told him I'm not very comfortable with him and my mom joking about his passing.
They joke about my father only having 5-10 years left, sometimes seriously telling me "I don't have forever" to grow up and get it together. My father is a natural people pleaser. He cut me off financially (despite being close to affording a car) because of my mother, she worries I'll spend my money on substances or something else and so, since she mistrusts and worries, I can't be trusted to 'do the right thing', it's petty and humiliating, especially when I don't always feel like 'a man', she makes me feel very small and unworthy of the simplest of things. Makes it hard for me to grow my self-confidence when nobody else places confidence in me. I brought up the subject of 'Utah' once and he got real mad real quick and said "That was a long time ago (decade, almost 15 years now), I wish you'd just get over it and move on, and I don't appreciate you bringing it up".

My eldest brother thinks I'm a selfish loser that doesn't like the family, I did not share my diagnosis with him or try to reconcile and apologize to him yet. He lives out of state but avoids contact with me even on phone calls. He has a family of his own and four kids, but I fear I've been too isolated and withdrawn from him for too long and he is trying to severe ties so my nieces and nephews don't have to interact with their Uncle who is struggling, in short he thinks I'm a drama king.

So it's pretty normal, everyone wants me to get my stuff together and be 'OK'. But they are pretty much done putting forth any effort with the exception of my middle brother. My father and mother are both in their 60s-70s and I think just want to retire somewhere and not have to deal with my drama.

Unfortunately when I shared my diagnosis with my family my parents gave me a 6 month ultimatum.
I have 6 months to find work (of which I haven't had a REAL job in 3 years), get car and get an apartment.
My therapist is great but I want to get on with my life and not feel like a 'burden' or 'parasite', I want to have someone real in my corner but presently I'm all I've got, and I don't blame anyone but myself, I pushed away all my friends and burned all my bridges with isolation and silence or outright condemnation of them and telling them off.
But, I'm glad I'm here and have found this place.
Any insight is helpful as I'm at a total loss with my family presently, I have been focusing on getting a job and I'm sure something will pan out soon. 
Hope you laughed at the title, it was worth a chuckle.

Thanks Trace!

I was just reading something you posted in the Neglect/Abandonment section.
Sounds like we have a bit in common.
I'll post more details about my story and life as time goes on.

Hi Lambie!

Just read your post, growing up is tough for anyone but I can appreciate your circumstances uniquely.
I have some strong abandonment ptsd and when I get triggered I shut down completely and my inner critic starts listing off all the reasons I'm not a good person, why people wouldn't like me and reject me (even when it's not true!), how nobody is going to stick with me or stick up for me, etc.
It's bad, sometimes it sends me into a hyper-arousal state and I'm up for the next 16 hours simply because I got triggered and someone in my family said something to me that made me think they don't want me around. I try to remember all the good times I've had in life and any good impacts I've made.
I listen to Tony Robbins, louise hayes and other people's affirmations and try to use them myself.

The best thing that has helped me day to day, is waking up and first thing in the morning telling myself "that I deserve happiness" that my "happiness" is gong to bring other people "happiness" etc. Sometimes it doesn't work, especially if you've just been triggered, that inner critic's voice is so strong, but I just take it a day at a time and on the days I'm not feeling horrible or bad, I really try to make the most of it.

I'm brand new here also and I deal with a lot of self-hating so of course you aren't alone.
Welcome and I hope we can all help one another a little bit at a time.

Hello!
I am requesting feedback and support as I'm fresh to this forum and have a fresh new diagnosis.
I was diagnosed with CPTSD in October, before that I've been healthy and functional with some social/career success to completely down and out for about a decade since the traumatic event.

I won't share my entire story in one post but if you have questions I have a detailed history about different causes and events in my life that contribute largely to my CPTSD, although I was recently diagnosed my time dedicated to recovery has been huge (Helped by my unemployment, flashbacks and hyper-arousal).

My mother and I have always had a strained relationship, she can be and has been very emotionally abusive towards me. She's often mistrusted me and if my behavior is bad or interpreted as bad, she just loses all trust for me and in me.

When I was 15 I had been engaging in lots of behavior that would concern a parent, petty theft, sneaking out of the house at night, smoking pot. This proceeded for about a year, meanwhile I became much more interested in my friends, the social scene, mind altering substances and women, my grades fell a bit. On the way back from summer vacation, I'd been on a road trip with my family, I was 'dropped off' in the middle of the night, in Utah, at a school 'to get me straight'. My parents arranged this months ahead of time without telling me, they'd packed all my belongings I needed and hid it in the trunk. So here I was at 16, in the middle of the night, with two staff members in the middle of the mountains of Utah, no idea where I really am, no idea how to get home, no idea if I could get home, no idea when I'll see my friends, family again, etc, I'm sure some of you understand. My terror was visceral, I asked the staff how long their 'program' was, "A year" was the response. My heart sank through the center of the Earth and disappeared into the Cosmos, one day I hope to get it back! I remember feeling more rejected, dejected and unloved than anyone should ever have to.
I'd been abandoned by my own family and they betrayed me to do it, that was an objective truth I had to palate.
I understood that they'd tried their best and this was a 'last resort'. but it still hurt, shotgun to the heart.

I stayed there a year and could write a book about it, I came out thinking everything was going to be better. I was more confident, much more of a leader amongst my peers (this was a good aspect I developed) but I was also much more manipulative. On some level it was like I knew I enjoyed certain things that are taboo or 'fringe' and I wanted to completely avoid being seen as "fringe" or "questionable" in anyone with authorities eyes. I started actually living a pretty balanced life when I came out, I got As, began to hang out with my Dad a lot. I have to give you some more background I guess, age 5-12 my Dad lived in California while the rest of us lived in Washington State, he only visited every other weekend, it wasn't due to divorce, we simply lived in a bad area of Los Angeles when I was real young and my father didn't want me to go to a school with barbed wires and a metal detector like my eldest brother did. So I had a lot of pent up feelings of lost time with my Dad and have always wanted to have a great relationship with him. When I was in Utah I had intense feelings of loss in regards to my father, I figured I'd not bond with him during my formative years as well as missing out while I was younger, it was very painful as I love my Dad very much.

Things were good and I lived with my parents until I was 18. I ended up going to a party where the parents house was ransacked and I got named in the investigation. Days later the property was recovered and my name was cleared but since I'd been in 'trouble' or looked at, my parents gave me the boot.

I lived with a friend for a while and abused marijuana and alcohol heavily. Drugs when I'm not healthy make me into a wreck, I'm pretty sure they do it to everyone, so I told my parents I'm a drug addict, that's my problem and went to rehab for 30 days. I joined a 12 step group and did the process, started sponsoring other kids with drug problems and helped getting some folks clean. After about a year living with my parents I moved out. I did the 12 step group for 3 years or so. I really thought that I was an alcoholic and that I'd found a solution but I realize now my PTSD has been covert and my hypochondriac worries have just been a distraction to true self-awareness.

I tried going back to the 12 step program but my drinking bouts and marijuana use never got in my way or made my life bad, and there were lots of times I simply chose not to get drunk or high, ie. I was completely reasonable and rational in regards to my use of drugs and alcohol, this threw a wrench in my works as the 12 step group is very tight-knit, I'd made a lot of friends and now of course, since I'm not 'sober' lots of them didn't want to be my friend, this saddened me a bit. But I kept plugging along without a support group now and without an 'alcoholic' problem. I was 25 and began to really come into my own, I started taking martial arts and teaching kids, my job was awesome (I cleared 40k/Year for the first time), I had an awesome girlfriend and was going to school for psychology/sociology and all was good until about 27.

Around 27 I lost my job (I'd been at for 5 years) and my first serious girlfriend of 2 years.
At the end of my relationship with my girlfriend I got all kinds of obsessive and paranoid. I really loved her and we were an awesome couple but we were also pretty young still (no real career, both us still in college) and my co-dependent behavior towards the end turned her off something fierce. I abused drugs, relationships both personal and professional, I started ripping off people I knew and behaving like a real scary *. The drug abuse didn't bother me but boy I started just screwing people over anytime they'd give me an opportunity. I realize this is me pushing people away to cope with my own insecure feelings of abandonment, although I figured I'd just had a drug/alcohol problem still. I was super self-sabotaging with any relationship or opportunity that came my way for about 5 years now.

Fast forward to today, I've been living with my parents again for 5 years and my behavior has been pretty bad up until a year ago.
My relationship with my parents is still strained, they pretty much just want me to be self-supporting and get out of their hair. They don't want to talk about feelings or anything that's happened in the past 'get over it' or 'figure it out' is a constant theme although I try not to bother them with anything but small talk now. I have 0 friends, since I ripped off, stole or took advantage of most of them. I don't' have a job, a car, money or anyone besides my therapist to talk to about it. And I often get very scared and concerned for my future. I've been so withdrawn and isolated from my eldest brother and his family (my nieces and sister in law) that he doesn't talk to me often, doesn't call or answer my calls and I don't get to talk to him or my nieces (they live out of state now) unless it's with my parents on Skype and I fear I won't have a good or ANY relationship with my nieces or him if it keeps up.

The only one friend I really have is my middle brother. I spoke with him a few weeks ago when I was diagnosed and he's very supportive and told me he's proud of me. I just feel empty, alone, unfulfilled and like even if I get back to being 'normal' (job, car, stability) that my family won't be there, I'm especially concerned about my relationship with my eldest brother. It's very hard to reach out though because I have to assess whether or not I'm making a good choice or being co-dependent.

I'm up and down mostly, some days I'm great, make progress, fill out job applications, other days I sit with my inner critic; crippling me anytime I try to do something positive. Anyone else just starting their recovery?