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Tired, thanks so much for the reply.  And I think your advice on letting go of the outcome is a good idea.  I have to do this because it's worth doing for the sake of doing it.  I am sending good thoughts re: your struggle with the bingeing.  Food has been my comfort mechanism, but in a way I used it to hurt myself too, I think.  It was my comfort, but it made me an object of derision and ridicule, and yet I couldn't stop, because I just hurt too bad.    to you, if that's okay. 

(Palpitations can happen for any variety of reasons, many completely benign, mine just happened to be a signal of something being really wrong.  Dont stress out over yours).

I can't think of a better way to title the thread, and I'm not sure this is the appropriate place for it.  If I've messed up, would the admins please move it?

I am a newbie, and though I've introduced myself, I haven't posted much yet.  Even so, I'm hoping that the group might be able to help me with this.

I have only been diagnosed with PTSD for a few years, but I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't have the symptoms.  My only method of coping with both the original trauma (chronic terrorizing from my FOO starting as a toddler) and the EFs that came later, has been food.  Or at least, it is the only one I knew about.  I was overweight as a child, and I have struggled desperately to break this cycle, but though I've gained and lost, I always gained more for every time I lost, and I've ended up at close to 300 lbs.  Health issues are a terrifying prospect to me, they trigger me because I have been shamed and mocked all my life for my weight, and I have been convinced I was going to be "punished" for it, even though I couldn't seem to stop doing the one thing that would fix it.

Over the last few years, I developed intermittent heart palpitations.  I had them checked once, and was told they were nothing.  They've gotten a little worse, and I have just gotten up the courage to have them checked again.  I got the results today, and found out that while I don't have an acute emergency (I'm not in heart failure) I am on the cusp of pulmonary hypertension, which can eventually lead to right-side heart failure and death if it isn't stopped. 

My doc told me that at this point, she wasn't even going to prescribe medication (I don't seem to need it).  She is sending me for a sleep study -- obesity-related sleep apnea could be causing this -- and that if that isn't it, then she told me I just need to lose weight, and have it checked in a year.  I've done a little internet research, and found that obesity and HP are correlated, and I've seen at least three studies that say losing the weight will usually solve the problem, unless it has been going on so long that there is artery damage.  I don't think that's the case, since my numbers are just barely over normal right now, but I am terrified nonetheless.

I'm not afraid that I can't lose the weight, I think I am sufficiently motivated to do it -- I may spend a lot of uncomfortable evenings rocking and stimming my way through EFs, but I won't eat my way out of them.  I'm afraid because my triggered self is telling me that this will turn out like my trauma -- there will be no hope, no help, no respite, no mercy.  That is, I will do my best to control the situation, and lose the weight (well, a good amount of it, anyway) and it won't help.  I will be re-checked and the disease will have gotten worse anyway, and there will be nothing anyone can do. 

I have a wonderful therapist, and I will see her tomorrow morning, but I am wondering if anyone else has this sort of challenge with a medical issue, and if you might have any strategies for me.

I appreciate everything that the folks on this board have posted about their own lives and challenges - reading about other people's challenges helps immensely, because I know I'm not alone.  Thank you.

Hey, Phoenix, I write stories in my head a lot, too.  I have different genres and characters, none are based on my actual life (they're a retreat from all that) but sometimes I use them as a way to resolve issues that I haven't resolved IRL. 

I have been doing this since I was small, and I assume, now, that this is my version of dissociation / numbing, when my feelings and experiences were more than I could process IRL.  My stories have a lot of drama, and trauma, but my mental protagonists handle it better, and with more help, than I do.

Hi Eire, thanks for the welcome.

Your inner critic and mine sound like they get together and compare notes a lot, and I like the suggestions for bringing out the alternate point of view.  Thanks also for reminding me that I'm not alone. 

Looking forward to hearing more from you and about you.

I'm a newbie, and wanted to introduce myself.  I'm a woman in my mid-forties, and I have C-PTSD and an eating disorder.

My story is pretty mild and run-of-the-mill, particularly compared to much of what I have read here.  You all are incredibly brave, and tough, to survive what you've been through.  As for me, my father was a functional alcoholic who was very verbally abusive (and occasionally abusive in other ways as well).  My mother felt totally trapped by him, and couldn't really protect either of us.  Her solution was to feed me to make me happy, and I quickly became a chubby kid.  School was another level of * because I went to a tiny school, and was with the same dozen kids from Kindergarten through 8th grade, and in addition to being fat, I was awkward, nerdy, and socially stunted compared to my peers, because my parents sent me to school early, because I was book-smart.  So, there really was no 'safe' place for me to be.

I grew up to be a self-hating, fat adult who had what I used to think were random panic attacks, and what I now know is being triggered.  The triggers are driving me crazy, to the point where there are some days when I can't function at all.  I have a great therapist, but I am interested in hearing from other folks who are living with this day-to-day.

Hi JMena, I'm a newbie here, I was coming into this forum to introduce myself, and saw your post.  It sounds like you're going through an exceptionally hard time right now, and I'm sorry to hear it.  The triggers can feel totally overwhelming for me, too. I definitely hear you.  I'm no expert, but the thing that I try to remember, and that I have to tell myself a thousand times a day, is that what I'm feeling is *temporary.*  Yes, right now I feel awful, and it also seems like I've always felt that way and always will feel that way, but the "forever and ever" part of those feelings isn't accurate.

Triggers suck because they seem so horribly real.  My emotions come up and slap me like a giant wave and totally roll me, and my intellectual self gets completely submerged in feelings that seem so true, because at one point in my life they were true.  I just try to remember that now they're not true, they're not an accurate reflection of my current reality, and if I can just hold on, and try to get my power back, the worst edge of it will pass, and I can think sort of straight again.

Hope this helps, jmena, sorry you're having a hard time, just try to remember that it won't always be this way.