I am new to the group and trying to heal from being abused by my narcissistic mother and scapegoating family. Reading the information on the effects of CPTSD, I see so many of the things that I feel, that I have experienced. I do feel like no one else in the world knows or understands what I have been through. I feel abnormal, like I am not made for this world. A mother's love and care is so basic to normal life. But, my mother hated me and I was never able to figure out why. I tried my best to be what I thought she wanted me to be, but even when I did exactly what she told me to do, something - everything was wrong. I reached a milestone birthday this year (I'm 50 years old) and sometimes I feel like I've lived long enough because even though I have a wonderful husband and three beautiful daughters, the overarching feeling before I married was extreme emotional pain and sorrow because of the way my mother felt about and treated me; and when I married and had children I was not able to fully feel the joy of those events because of cruel things that my mother did each time. So even though I felt happier at those times than I ever had, there was an underlying feeling of sadness and pain caused by my mother. I think back on some of the things that my mother said and did to me and any one or two of the individual incidences might have caused someone who hadn't been abused decide to end the relationship. But I just kept on trying to make the situation better. I really didn't even know what 'better' was going to look or feel like because everything that my mother had ever shown me was that she hated me. But her saw her treat my brother and sister, and even other people's children differently. So, I guess that was what I was trying to have. I have realized that everyday for my entire life that I can remember, I woke up with my goal being 'trying not to make mama mad today'; and went to sleep most nights crying because I was not successful. I am an engineer by education, so I think of many things in numerical terms. Before I married, I lived a little over 8000 days being hated by someone I unconditionally loved, and by the time my mother passed away that number had nearly doubled to over 15000 days. I've also realized a couple of other things - talking negatively about mothers is a 'no-no' in ours and many other cultures. So typically no one wants to believe my story(ies). Also, the way a mother feels about and treats her children sets the tone for the way the rest of the family treats them. And what I feel is the worst thing is that most parents feel like because they give birth to a child, they can say and do whatever they want to that child - sadly, that typically goes unchallenged. That definitely was my experience in my family - it was told to me very matter-of-factly. I'm tired of all of this hurt and pain and don't want this to be my story anymore. I want to create something better - I want to learn how to be happy. That's why I'm here.