Messages

The only thing that matters right now, is your self-care. If you're not getting what you need from your husband, "Go to where it's warm." If you don't have a friend, therapist, spiritual advisor, then the best thing you can do is to find help and find your inner strength to comfort yourself. There are Mental Health hotlines in every state (I believe) that you can call. Your husband is not the one to go to right now. Here is a website with resources. A place to start.

https://www.nami.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/01/Warmline-Directory-as-of-January-7-2025.pdf

Also, I've found Adult Children of Alcoholics and Other Dysfunctional Families (ACA) helpful: www.adultchildren.org

Because this isn't a one-and-done situation. I used to get into relationships that were abusive and neglectful. It was because I was conditioned to it by my family of origin, my parents, who were neglectful.

Take good care of yourself!

After some time in Somatic Experiencing I had a deep raging cry that was definitely, I just felt it in my body, from infancy. My brother had told me that Mother let me cry myself to sleep. Really convenient for her that that was the advice at the time. Don't know if she did that with my elder siblings. I trust my body to tell me what happened. After all the healing I've had, and my life expanding, I continue to have friendships that are not satisfying and no one really close. It's frustrating. I have a sinus headache today because of it.

It feels so good to read everyone's responses to this. That the support is there, the understanding. I had a Somatic Experiencing therapist for 5 and a half years. I made incredible progress with her. I highly recommend SE. Somehow my Medicare and Medicaid paid for it. I agree that Cognitive Behavioral whatever is a bandaid at best when the Wound is still bleeding and active at every turn. For me, I had so little money for so long, only Medicare and Medicaid, that 12-Step programs at least gave me a place to be heard in a circle of those who would not fix me or judge me. Sometimes there were those jerks who tried to fix me, but mostly not. It is free, and if it isn't tainted by the gratitude list crap, it's a good place. It can be. Just my experience. Hope that lands OK.

I come from neglect and emotional abandonment and suffer from CPTSD. This stuns and shocks me nonetheless. Horrible that no one was there for you, not even Social Services or a neighbor or someone at school didn't report it! I am outraged! You have gone through a war. You have gone through persistent attacks on your psyche, your soul.
There was a time I didn't understand why my life looked like it did, why I couldn't pursue what I wanted to, why I didn't have someone to love, why no one really seemed to care about me, contacted me to do things, didn't invite me for dinner, why I had no money, why I went through such severe depressions I didn't want to live, I wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear. When I discovered that neglect and any horrors I went through was the cause at least then I understood that I didn't have to blame myself, me-myself-and-I were NOT the cause. There was a REASON why I was going through what I was going through.
I wish  you all the Love and Care in the Universe to come to you with help and the strength that you have already to help yourself as well. You are a Survivor. You will learn to Thrive as well!   

Sorry for the late reply. I've read what you wrote. I'm glad I was able to validate what you were going through. Did the cold pack help? For the first time ever, I am letting a website alert me to any responses, so hopefully I can keep in touch with all of this. It helps.   

Thanks Blueberry and Bermuda. I'll have to change my email address for this site, otherwise I won't be able to keep track. Hope to be back soon!        

I hate it when I hear adults dismiss something like that. I think they're miserable and their world, their senses are shut down and so they can't let anything in about it from others. They can't learn, they're not open, their bodies are so numb they can't feel much less taste. It's so traumatic for a child's reality to be around someone like that. Instead of exploring the world and getting validated for that, they're getting shut down as well.
I was so shut down from infancy on I was already dissociated and really couldn't explore like a child. I think that's why I can't take in a lot of information like while reading a non-fiction book or listening to podcasts or watching a documentary. I haven't been able to read much of anything lately.
I been in shock most of the day CPTSD symptoms. I think I'll put a cold pack on my diaphragm and put ice cold water on my face.
Glad to be back here on this forum. 

Sounds very difficult and yes torturous. When I'm being tortured inside by CPTSD conditioning I find no peace. I focus on everyone else not liking me, not caring, I hate them all. Like today, I've been really underwater, couldn't focus, feel heavy, could've gone out but didn't. It's all CPTSD and the feeling in my body, which for me then translates to my thoughts, that I am in shock. It's a hard road but I don't stay here. I worked with a Somatic Experiencing therapist for 5 + years and got better at engaging with the world. I hope you find a way to do one small thing for yourself that makes you feel better: a hot shower alternating with cold can be good; a cold pack on my diaphragm is something I learned from Marty S. docs, being my own best paramedic. You are not alone. CPTSD makes it feel that way.

 

Glad to read your message. Yes, context has been really important for me, too, around trauma and the "soup" I was in in my bio-family.

 

Hello Blueberry!
I'm glad I thought of getting on the forum today to check my postings.
So glad to hear from you and that you can relate. That makes me feel better than anything!
I guess another expansion could be on the way. We'll have to see.

Thank you for your kind response, RainyDiary.
I've had one or two good days.
Still sad and lots of fatigue. Frustrating, but I'm navigating.
Staying cozy and warm today.

Hi BK, Thanks so much for your reply. I haven't been here for awhile and am still learning to navigate around the site for responses.
Yes, words are baits from some people.
Anyway, Thanks.

Hello RainyDiary. Thanks for your reply. I haven't been on for awhile. It's good to have "company" in this. Yes, making friends is so difficult. I'm working on having an Inner Friend. I came up with that this morning. It's really talking and paying attention to my Inner Child. I feel vulnerable today and am staying in even though there are things I could/should do.
Thanks for listening.

Yes, thank you, Kizzie!

The rights in relationships I hadn't seen before. Very, very comforting and validating.  Also, I can use it as a self-check in conflicts with others.

I'm getting a lot of comfort and company on this website today. I appreciate it so much. I will look at the books section if I decide to buy a workbook I just came across: Complex PTSD Workbook: A Mind-Body Approach...

Have you used that one? Any thoughts? Thanks.

 

Wow. Thanks for that. I needed something like that. Maybe I'll (eventually) create my own using language I prefer. (I always have language or grammar I want to change or improve in what I read!)