Messages

Trying to avoid triggers but so had to do when most are in your head. Being alone for upcoming holidays are not helping at all. I'm trying to like myself but hard to do when everything you love seems to leave you all the time. So now I'm thinking it's me.... you have to remember after my mom died ( age 4 )  my abusive dad remarried and the gave me up to the state at age 10 I ran away after being tired of getting beat in the different foster home's. So yes every time I think I've found some type of happiness it leaves. So I fight the battle of not ending it every day and I just hope that I will win this daily battle.

EmoVulcan thank you I'm trying.

Trees and gnome thank you I'm truly trying to look for the sun but I can only seem to see it for a few seconds. I've been fighting this for 55 yrs. My doctor ask me if I've thought about hurting myself I told her no that I wanted just to die and I did put a gun to my head and it misfired 6 time's.  She asked if I wanted to be admitted to the hospital I said no it wouldn't do any good  I've tried everything.  I just keep trying to put 1 ft in front of the other. Don't know what I'm going to do other than try and look for the sun. This is helping me but it still doesn't stop the pain or tears from falling.  I could understand if I was a bad or hateful person but I'm not but yet I'm the one always hurt and let down. Again thank you.

Arpy1 thank you for your hugs they're much needed.

EmoVulcan thank you. The thing is that I no longer knows what makes me happy it's been so long since I've been happy I don't have passion for anything anymore & no longer really care about anything. I try to find something anything to try and remember but I can't. I'm kinda like a sailboat in the ocean with no wind I'm just drifting with no direction or hope right now I just fight the urge of ending it just about everyday & I'm hoping that I overcome this urge but then again why. I  keep thinking god or whomever ever has a plan for me because to have a gun misfire 6 time's then the next morning it fire's outside with the same shells and it's not the first time something like this has happened so I know something has a plan I just hope it won't come to late. It's very difficult not to have anyone. ... again thank you.

Arpy1 thank you so much you and I soooo needed to have that today.

Lambie thank you. I'm just trying to maintain day by day and right now it's very difficult for me this is my only outlet to kinda let it out and the pain I'm feeling is overwhelming but thank you for your encouragement

Anyone?

Needing support please

So now I'm wondering why not end the pain and triggers.

Triggers are painful today and they suck. Not having anyone around or anyone who cares. But that's been my life.

Thank you Trees. You've very right with the holidays coming it will be very hard for me to deal with it. I don't have the self love yet as Rehana was talking about but I'm also working on that to. Not having anyone else very hard just very difficult at times. Thank you again for letting me share with you.

EmoVulcan thank you again because it's coming at a time in need right after a trigger. And I once again wondering why go on fighting I want to but sometimes the pain is to much. I'm 55 and have no one to turn to or trust. I have 3 children ( 18-25 ) 15-20 minutes away but they never call or come by. My friends I thought I  had are only if they need something. I'm a fighter because I've been on my own since age 10 not to mention everything I've been through. I'm trying not to give up. Thank you again.

Thank you EmoVulcan I hope this will help me just so tried of being lost and alone I've tryd everything including suicide just haven't been able to find help anyplace. And this time of yr is always the hardest if I can make it through this one. Once again thank you.

I'm 55 years old and I'm not sure how this works. I'm trying to get my life back together after so many let downs. I'm good at helping everyone but me. I now believe it's because I never knew about cptsd until I ran across this site. I want to get my life back and have try ed everything so any insight would be awesome. I'm tried of the emotional Rollercoaster it's been. Just looking for support and help.