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Hi Phoebes. I also have some issues with eye contact. I think I'm better but I know my eyes dart all over the place. I didn't dare make eye contact with my mom when she was mad. It could mean a punch to the head or slap in the face.

As a kid I struggled with having a frozen face especially around other kids in school. I could barely say hello and smiling was often impossible. I know some people thought I was a snob. I was just terrified of being ridiculed or bullied or made fun of.

Hi blueteddy,

Congratulations on such big strides!  That is huge. I used to think I was weak and then I started realizing how strong I am. No matter how many times I get knocked down, I get back up. And I learn. And that's what you are doing.

I've already been through so much, and yet I keep fighting. That's the narrative of my growth.

Thank you for responding and I am so glad you are feeling better. It is literally day to day with trauma.


-End rant-
(Yeah, I guess I am feeling better... at least tonight:) )
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Chart and others in this discussion, I do resonate with this. Chart, I clearly remember my father standing near me while I sat on the floor watching televion when I was about 5 or 6. He was wringing his hands and saying how he would never be able to pass on our family name. His brother who he had a very competitive relationship with has a son. It killed my dad. I remember sitting there knowing that it was me who was supposed to be the son.  I am so sorry for what you have experienced. Just remember you are worthy of giving and receiving love. I have only been on this forum for a few days but just reading posts from people like you is so helpful. I feel less alone. I know this is an older thread and I hope you are feeling better.

My mother once told me she prayed and prayed for a baby boy. She thought that because my father was abandoned by his father that having a son would change his violent behavior. I was conceived with the sole purpose to save my mother's marriage.

...and if I could I think I'd just stay under a warm blanket in a dark room and never leave.

I've always loved rain and snow... for much this reason: gives me an excuse to stay in bed...

Me too!  I could easily live in a cold, rainy place!

Hi Blueberry. Thank you for sharing this. Very helpful. Left wondering what other trauma I haven't processed is still lurking in me because I'm exhausted all the time. I do everything I'm supposed to do to: eat well, exercise, etc. and if I could I think I'd just stay under a warm blanket in a dark room and never leave.

This thread is so helpful.  I didn't even know how to approach inner child work with myself although I had read about it and it had been suggested to me.  Like others who posted, I didn't know how to get in touch with her.  I have a vicious inner critic that appears in various forms always lurking behind my shoulder criticizing everything I do...even how I load the dishwasher!  In addition to the abuse from my parents, I was also bullied in my neighborhood and in school.  I was made fun of a lot and very, very lonely.  I think my inner soothing voice was just drowned out by the critic.

About six months ago, for some reason, I just started imagining a Mini Me sitting on my shoulder holding whatever emotion I was having at the moment (fear, anger, etc.) and I would tell her thank you, that it was okay to have the emotion and tell her she was safe.  This helped a bit to keep me in the moment and not go off in my head with angry (and even violent) thoughts.

One day a few months ago, I was looking for a new meditation on an app I use.  An inner child healing one caught my eye because it involved a bear.  Growing up I had the same nightmare of being chased by a big bear that I couldn't get away from.  Finally, about two years before I left my husband, my fear of the bear lessened until one night I actually shot and killed the bear.  I think it was a prophetic dream. So, when I saw this inner child meditation with the bear, I decided to try it and embrace the bear.  Honestly, I was a bit nervous because I wasn't sure how I was going to react.  Even the picture of the bear's face gave me a start.  But, I tried it. Even though inner child work had never resonated with me before, this meditation did. 

One night, after doing this meditation a couple times, I woke up in the middle of the night.  Without really thinking about it, I started recalling all the "big" abusive moments from my childhood.  In each of these moments I imagined my adult self witnessing the event and feeling the emotions my younger self was feeling (whatever the age).  When each event ended, I imagined my adult self going to my younger self and comforting her in whatever way felt right.  I started with the youngest memory (which is actually my sister's memory so I imagined what my mother had done to me at the age of 3 to cause the bruising based on her pattern of abuse).  When I did this, I felt shear terror for a few seconds.  For a moment I was afraid I was going to panic and have to wake up my wife, but I did calm down.  So, I picked my 3 year old self up and held her tight, telling her very gently that she was safe and loved and no one would ever hurt her like that again.  When I was finished going through all of the abusive events, I went back to my 3 y.o. self and took her to a safe, imaginary place and I just snuggled with her and talked to her. The next morning I didn't have my usual anxiety and felt like maybe I had made a little progress in healing.

I tried to do the same exercise a few nights later, but it didn't feel right...I guess that one time was what I needed.  But, I have started imagining my own loving arms wrapped around me when I feel angry or afraid (which is basically all the time  ).  So maybe that one night gave me the confidence to start soothing myself more as an adult?  I still can't do it a lot but I seem to be making slow progress.

I don't know if this is helpful to anyone.

Thank you to all who responded.  It has been so helpful just to read the first replies.  I have read Peter Walker's book and it did help, but I am wondering if I need to pick it up again.    

Hi. I am new to this group although I think I joined a while ago but am not sure I ever posted. I think I got scared.

I was diagnosed many years ago with CPTSD (diagnosed myself and then finally found psychiatrist and neurologist who both confirmed my diagnosis).

I am 58 and have struggled my whole life. I don't ever remember not being scared and riddled with anxiety (at times paralyzing), paranoia, inability to moderate my emotions, etc.

The physical and emotional abuse and neglect from my parents started before I have memories. My oldest sibling has told me about one incident in which my mother beat me with something that left my back side black and blue when I was 3. My mother was by far the most abusive. Basically my parents had a third child because my dad was desperate for a son. I didn't turn out to be the charm that's supposed to come with the third try.

I've tried so many medications and types of therapy with little results and usually just a lot of bad side effects. I meditate and did quite a bit of reading about Buddhism until it became obvious I was using it to judge myself and convince myself further what a horrible person I am.

My first marriage was a disaster as i basically married a man who is a raging narcissist. I finally left back in 2009 and am now remarried and in a mostly very good relationship although it is hard on my spouse.

I quit work a little over a year ago. I feel like a failure around work even though I was a solid, productive and mostly well liked employee. But, I always seemed to somehow get taken advantage of and ended up with too much work and very little or no reward. My spouse said I tried too hard and made it too easy to be taken advantage of. I don't know if that's true. I'm wondering if other people on this forum deal with or dealt with a feeling of having to take on everything and work too hard to prove yourself. I felt frantic all the time. I also just couldn't handle people and would end up leaving a job after anywhere from a year to three years and then have to find another job. It left me feeling beaten down and like a failure.

Thank you for being here for people.