Messages

[While you are in triggered mode, remind yourself that this feeling of going backwards in your recovery is fleeting, and you will once again return to your healing place]

Hi bronwynn,

First off, welcome and thank you for reaching out on here and sharing your experience. It seems you are very aware of yourself and have had years of experience in healing and recovery ~ kudos to you for supporting yourself in such a way, and acknowledging your past.
I am so sorry to hear about the verbal attack at work. This creates such a hostile environment, no wonder you don't want to return back on Monday, and no wonder it triggered you! It is so important to have a positive work space, especially for those of us that suffer from c-ptsd. I want to acknowledge and validate your triggered feelings, and share with you that I've experienced similar situations.
I'm not an expert or therapist, but it seems in my experience that c-ptsd can come out of nowhere, no matter how much healing has been done. The feelings that come after a trigger might be different for everyone, but they feel real and inescapable. It is such a frightening feeling to think that after all those years of recovery, you're right back where you started.
I was recently triggered myself in an interaction with my parents (both are narcissists) and all of these feelings I thought I'd conquered came back (anxiety, guilt, shame, indifference, sadness, anger). What I'm beginning to realize now is it's not about conquering or never feeling those triggered emotions ever again, but how we approach them and deal with them when they do arise. In my experience I've found that allowing myself to ride the trigger train, rather than resist it, to be the most effective method. Allowing yourself to be in those feelings is in a way acknowledging that they are valid, that YOU are real and experiencing it. While you are in triggered mode, remind yourself that this feeling of going backwards in your recovery is fleeting, and you will once again return to your healing place. All of the work you have put into your recovery wasn't for nothing, the trigger train will pass.
I hope this helps, even a little bit, and I also want to mention that this is just my thought process and way of dealing with the trigger train - it may not apply to anyone else, so if it doesn't vibe with you then there is another more personal way out there waiting for you to discover 

I'll be sending loving vibes your way on Monday!

The fact that you have been fighting and continue to fight for yourself is a reflection of self-love ~ thank you for opening up and connecting with all of us here. It's normal to feel unloved when those around us are hurtful or selfish in their behavior, but looking inwards, as you have done, is where you'll find that unconditional love. It may start as a seed, but it blossoms over time. It's so courageous of you to find your voice and reach out. Keep reminding yourself that it takes practice to undo all that we are conditioned to be, and at the end of the day being kind and patient with yourself is what matters most (regardless of how others around us are behaving). All the best!

Thank you both for such a warm welcome! Your replies truly made me feel cozy and I appreciate you taking the time to read my thoughts.

@Kizzie, I agree, building self-compassion can be so challenging initially, and in a way is more of a journey of mindful practice rather than a mastering of sorts. Thanks for running this wonderful site.

@woodsgnome It seems you have a lot of wisdom as well and have utilized a variety of resources in your healing, which is so admirable. You never gave up and that message of self-love is so empowering (and inspiring!). I'm pleased that you found my piece on "not trying" in recovery helpful, and I'm glad I didn't come across as vague (since the advice of "just be yourself" can be incredibly annoying in the depths of darkness). I think we are so conditioned societally to organize and label everything we do, to place a "right" or "wrong"ness on it, and make judgments based on that. The magic starts happening when you let go of those, and that letting go can be very cathartic (even if they are only fleeting moments!). Looking forward to continue connecting with you, all the best!

[A piece of wisdom I want to pass on:]

Hey Everyone!

I'm a 27 year-old woman in therapy, now for a few years, but only just came across this support group. It's incredible how loved I feel scrolling through various experiences y'all have had and realizing how much strength there is in acknowledging our past. Painful, yes, but real.

Growing up I had a narcissistic mother and enabler father (a combo that eventually also transforms the enabler into a narcissist), and I wasn't aware of the toxic reality I had been born into until I met my beloved therapist. That moment was literally like The Matrix where Neo suddenly realizes his whole reality wasn't real at all, but rather fake constructs built to control him.

Every self-critical thought of mine; all those times I cried in my closet; trying to come up with new and creative ways to explain to my mother why her behavior hurt me; repressing memories of her horrendous yelling episodes because "she's my mother,"; feeling like I owed my parents my soul because they "brought me into this world,".... And this doesn't even begin to unveil the nightmare I lived.

I've been in recovery now for a while and I want to say this: you DO heal. Healing happens, it does. Everyone is different, but I seem to heal in spurts (kinda like when you're growing taller as a kid). Re-experiencing moments that I suppressed is one of the most powerful parts of the healing process so far, and although it can be frightening, it's an acknowledgement.

***A piece of wisdom I want to pass on: initially I think I was trying too hard to heal. I realize now that it is much easier to just be in the recovery, without trying to categorize or organize your healing, just be in it. It all falls into place when you simply are. This is where self-trust finally has room to grow.***

Acknowledgement and transparency have been necessary tools in my recovery, as well as being kind to myself; acknowledging my human feelings and preferences which were muted for far too long. So if that means feeling anxious, I ALLOW myself to feel anxious and acknowledge that those feelings exist.

There is so much more to share, as you all know these things seem endless, but if anyone has questions or needs to be heard please feel free to send me a reply.

Sending unconditional love your way,

Rehana