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Hey all—
I've been through a lot of retraumatizing events and anxiety lately and am (probably as a result) now suffering from insomnia (my quetiapine suddenly doesn't work anymore), which is in itself also a trigger for anxiety. So much fun :/

I asked my GP for help this week because my suicidal thoughts are coming back and i don't want that. I'm really in a bad place and something needs to happen.

She is of no help unfortunately, told me to start using SSRI's again. Had a bad experience with them so i would not consider that especially without a psychiatrist!!
She could not advice on anything for sleeping, other than prescribing lorazepam, but that is no solution for the long run.

So i'm on my own kinda (also a trigger)

Here's what i've found:

My insomnia is definitely caused by cptsd and stress. I feel my sympathetic nervous system is at the wheel mostly. Understandable i can't sleep. So, i have to get the parasympathetic nervous system take over (again). But how?

I've started doing daily yoga (with Adriene, she has a youtube channel and even made one for PTSD). It's probably too early to see results.

Today i stumbled upon NAC, an amino acidic supplement. Several studies show this has on helped reduce PTSD- addiction- and depression symptoms.

I've looked on this forum but have not seen any topics on it, so i thought i start one. I am wondering if any of you have experience with it?

Or other natural remedies you've found to help calm the nervous system? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

thank you Martha for your very kind words. They moved me and made me feel a bit less alone. Thank you. And i'm sorry you can relate. Do you have people you can reach out to when it's hard? Sending you a  too if it's okay.

Thanks Notalone for understanding. Your words 'no wonder you're tired' helped me be kinder to myself and that means a lot!

the trigger is still there, but i can ignore it a little bit better and feel a little bit less exhausted, which is hopeful!

- rant alert -

Oh man.. Life is tough at the moment. I am in week 6 of an ongoing trigger / flashback. I feel frightened and isolated. And a failure. I am afraid to leave the house, to look forward to things and am constantly retriggered. Needless to say, my inner critic is having a great time :/

I have lost my job a few months ago and the whole thing has been a retraumatizing event, which was terrible timing because it happened right after coming out of an intensive therapy program and reluctantly setting foot in the world again with thoughts like "Maybe people can be trusted after all" "maybe i do have it in me to succeed". I think what i am mentally and physically experiencing right now might be an aftermath of that difficult experience.

I have proactively worked on getting out of this flashback state. I am educating myself on cptsd (Pete Walkers book is very enlightening) and have scheduled an introductory appointment with a body focused psychotherapist next week. I am doing yoga and breathing exercises. I reach out to people i trust. So deep down i know my inner critic is wrong by calling me lazy. But today i am just so tired and i feel so alone.

I am just so frustrated with myself. Every time i think i'm doing better, and i might finally start living, something happens and i am back in survival mode, frantically fighting my anxiety and self loathing. It is really hard to be hopeful or kind towards myself at the moment.

• The yummy American pancakes and flat white this morning.
• The short walk that left me a bit overwhelmed by all the stimuli but i did it!
• Feeling less alone and 'strange' now i'm reading Pete Walkers book on CPTSD.
• getting better at crocheting.

Hi!! I am curious if someone can relate and has found ways to deal with it or find relief:

I struggle with an ongoing trigger that has been going on for a month now. My main trigger is unexplained physical complaints that are hard to ignore and are persistent. Every time this happens, i get stuck. And i really want to learn better ways to respond to it!

This time i have had several heavy migraine attacks in a row (migraine is a trigger in itself) and the aftermath that normally lasts a day is now in its third week: i experience eye problems (photophobia, eye fatigue and difficulty focussing), increased tinnitus, headache and pain in my neck, ear, jaw and shoulders. I also experience extreme fatigue.
All this makes it hard to distract myself, as i am unable to take the calming walks i usually take or read or watch tv.

I feel a constant sense of threat and keep flashing back to feelings of: 'i have no control', 'this will be forever' and 'i am all alone'. I know i am flashing back and am telling myself that, but it's hard to find relief since the trigger is still here.

I think my panic reaction to the physical symptoms only make them worse, so it's hard to get out of this cycle.

Can anyone relate? And if so, have you found ways that helped you deal with ongoing triggers?

Thanks so much for heads up! I juuust was able to watch the last talk by Peter Levine (After it, it was no longer available on the website, so it seems like it was meant to be a little) and it was incredibly touching and informative, especially the part about baby Jack. I am looking into finding a somatic experience therapist and this was an extra gentle push in that direction!

just read the article and all the comments. It made me cry because can relate to so much. And i am not alone in this. I have always been so angry with myself for doing this (overactive thinking about negative scenarios / feelings of guilt and shame). Now i realize it's actually part of hypervigilance and i don't do it on purpose. And that my fatigue is not laziness or a mysterious disease, but actually understandable.

OceanStar, thank you so much for your kind and understanding reply. Reading it yesterday brought tears to my eyes, i could feel comfort in your words. And a little hope even. I am very sorry that you can relate. a for you too, if that's ok.

Blueberry, you too thanks for your kind and insightful message. I'm sorry you've been through that, that sounds hard ! I am glad you found you're doing so much better after therapy, that is hopeful! I have had a lot of therapy, but none of them seemed adequately focussed on trauma treatment. I hope my future shift towards more body focused therapy will help with that! a for you too, if that's ok.

I am truly moved by both your kind replies, the fact that you took the time to plow through my wordy message and reply. Really appreciated!

this is a good idea!

1. the new Friday morning ritual with my boyfriend: getting groceries at the organic / package free market and going for breakfast at a new small place every week. The man who made our breakfast was so friendly.

2. listening to the pretty song i stumbled across yesterday: Kupla - Never Forget. It's a bit sad, but also comforting. Feels like a musical hug.

3. finding all these new creative ideas on Pinterest, feeling how the colours and having something to look forward to, make me calmer inside.

4. feeling welcome and understood on this forum <3

hey everyone,

i am new here -- i hope it's okay to start a new post so quickly. I wonder if someone can relate.. I feel so sad today and so frustrated with my physical CPTSD symptoms and anxiety response to it.

For over a decade, perhaps even all my life, i have suffered from unexplained physical symptoms and they have always scared me and isolated me, so much. The symptoms seem to 'travel' through my body, so every time it's something new and it takes a long time (and sometimes many hospital visits) to find out, that also this is caused by stress.

Some examples of episodic symptoms:

- My heart constantly kept skipping beats for over 2 weeks. They couldn't find anything. Went away on its own, just comes back occasionally and i now know it's caused by prolonged stress / deep emotions and i try to stay calm and tell myself it will go away again.
- 11 migraine attacks in 14 days. CAT scan came back clear. Resolved itself after a while. Now i am back to once every few months.
- 3 months of severe GI complaints which caused me to be too afraid to eat and i lost a lot of weight. Resolved itself when (after a lot of tests) i convinced myself it was stress and i should be kind to myself. Forcing myself to eat again helped too. It comes back occasionally and now i've learnt to tell myself: 'i know this is scary, but it is explainable and will go away.'
- in 2017, i suddenly could not fall asleep anymore, something in my brain wanted to stay active. For months i only slept 2 hours a night tops. I am now dependent on sleep meds to fall asleep, all though i have been tapering off and only need a small dosage. (yay!  ) I am often afraid when I turn off the light but i try to tell myself i'm safe.
- losing my singing voice almost 4 years ago. ENT couldn't find anything wrong with my vocal chords, stomach research (yikes) didn't show signs of reflux. This never resolved itself, i think it might be muscle tension dysphonia. This kind of broke my heart and is a constant source of fear and grief.

chronic symptoms:

- primary vaginismus and hypertonic pelvic floor muscles. The vaginismus became less severe this year now i am blessed with a sweet and patient boyfriend and this feels like a miracle. But it has caused me to fear intimacy for over 20 years
- tinnitus, started when i was a teenager and is sometimes more severe than other times (stress?)
- constant tense muscles, especially in my shoulder / neck / throat area, so i am in a lot of pain.
- IBS
- migraines

I feel a bit bad about summing it all up here, but i need to get it off my chest. It's been such a lonely struggle. It just is a little much for me at the moment, especially since another episode is happening (persistent after-effects of a migraine attack over 2 weeks ago) and my panic about it is making me so exhausted. I so long for my body to calm down, the symptoms to ease and to learn to trust my body. Hopefully joining this forum and reading more about CPTSD, is going to be the first step towards it.
I am reading Pete Walker's articles and I tried to tell myself 'i am having a flashback' when i got very frightened yesterday and it resulted in me sobbing like a small child, the fear turned into sadness. I don't know what i am flashing back to, but it always comes down to an overwhelming feeling of: i am all alone, i have no control, i am trapped, this will be forever.

Maybe someone can relate somewhat. Part of me hopes not, because I don't want anyone to experience this, but at the same time it would help to not feel so alone.

Welcome. 

I understand the feeling of fear and not feeling safe.

I changed therapists early this year. I understand that is a really sad and scary thing to do. For me, it has been a good move.

hi Notalone,

thank you for your understanding. It is hopeful what you write!

Hey Rogue, welcome to the forum!
So brave of you to reach out and write such an insightful introductory post, to which I can deeply relate (as undoubtedly many others here).
You can be sure to find many others here who 'get' what you went through, who 'get' the lasting impact of what you went through and I hope you will find all possible validation, recognition and truly, compassionately being-heard in this community!
You can be FREE here. Free to express yourself, to express anything you are facing or going through. Don't feel obliged, don't force yourself to post if you wouldn't be ready for it.
'something HAS to change', you wrote. I think joining this forum might turn out to be a first big step in a process of profound change.
Thank you for joining,

Kingfisher

Thank you Kingfisher, for your kind and hopeful words. And also for taking the time with sharing some advice on reading material, i really appreciate it! I have bookmarked Pete Walker's website and will order his book (it happened to already be on my to-read list on GoodReads, coincidentally

It's very hard to step forward while feeling wrapped up in a bundle of crippling anxiety, but finally there's a time when one feels bold enough to reach out.

So welcome --  -- I hope you find some relief from that horrible feeling you described. It's a pretty lonely state of being, so I wish you well as you try and re-establish the worthy feelings you deserve.

thank you so much for your understanding reply and your welcome! It made me feel heard.

Hey everyone! am Rogue84, from the Netherlands. Happy to have found this forum!

After having read The Body Keeps The Score by VanderKolk a year ago, i learned that what i have always wondered what is going on with me might be CPTSD. I have read bits and pieces on this forum over the past few days and am curious. I will now try and introduce myself a little bit.

Looking back, i think i’ve had anxiety for quite a while, i think it started around age 8 or so. I grew up in an unstable home (emotional neglect and ridicule, verbal and sometimes physical abuse) which has caused me to feel alert and frightened nonstop. As if i am missing an essential bottom layer of trust upon which to build up my life and my self. I find it hard to imagine what it feels like to feel calm. I also have vague memories of something done to me when i was a very little girl.

Experiences in my adolescent and adult years unfortunately made it worse, an abusive relationship with a narcissist and losing my singing voice (my emotional outlet) being a few of them.

What i find the hardest about CPTSD is that i feel unsafe in my own body and i mistrust it. I literally never feel safe. That combined with a lot of unexplained physical symptoms that seem to travel through my body (this has been going on for at least a decade), sometimes spins me into a knot of panic that can last for weeks to months. I am going through one of those episodes right now and i am at the point where i know something HAS to change.

Unfortunately in my country still very little is known about CPTSD, which caused me to be misdiagnosed for years. I have now decided to tell my therapist i need a different, more body-focused approach. It’s scary to start again with a new therapist and leave behind one that has never given up on me, but i feel deep down that this is the right decision.

What i hope to find here is to learn from others how they deal with this difficult condition and simply to connect with people who get it.