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Here's a link to a trailer for the documentary, a description of the series, and how to access it:

https://trauma.whole.tv/trailer/

It has been just over a year of daily qigong for me. Has it helped? I think so. After doing the "Immortal Form" practice with David Beaudry this morning, I felt both "smoothed out" and energized. Here's the link for anyone who wants to try it:

https://youtu.be/OTFQy_3LNH8

Today I had a rough day, so by day's end, I needed to do Rosemary Biraghi's Trauma Release qigong set to stop feeling tingly and agitated: https://youtu.be/v1WQw1L4Yek

Then I had open 15-minute meditation, where I was able to access some of the edges and fragments below the waterline of my usual consciousness.

I feel like I'll be able to sleep.

Hi Marta, I just read your last post here, and I can relate. In my own work, I went from kind of laughing at the very concept of an inner critic, to realizing that I do indeed have vague and horrifying internal abuse happening in my head, to finally having the IC appear as voices some of the time. It is disconcerting, but maybe it's a part of the process of becoming more aware of the IC. We can be so hard on ourselves about what we perceive to be failures and mistakes. It's painful stuff.  If it's okay, I'm sending a hug    ~ Viola

Thanks dollyvee and Pioneer. 

Recovery is definitely not an evenly paced upward trend. Overall, my arc is upward, but there are big setbacks and difficult days. The hardest things are the ones seemingly furthest from my control, and yet nearest to me: my own body, what's happening with it, and being okay with what is. Today, this easy and gentle practice released painful tension and enabled some peace: https://youtu.be/uNLReAiKJZY (Thank you, Jeff!)

I've had to take some distance from the idea of "recovery" because my tendency is to overdo things as an escape and also as an urgent need to "fix" myself. It is hard to do, to let go of the doing.

Thank you all for being here and sharing. It's really nice to have this place to return to whenever I can. 

A gentle, meditative practice that takes only 10 minutes, standing, seated, or even in bed. I had a relentless headache this morning, and doing this session around noon eased the pain where ibuprofen failed. The fading of my headache surprised me, because I hadn't realized it was a tension headache. Now that I think about it, I can see where the tension arose -- I had a fairly intense flashback last night. Anyhow, this one is very easy; I'm hoping it helps others through difficult days:

https://youtu.be/uNLReAiKJZY

Thanks for sharing your story, suffersilence; I found what you had to say compelling and it stirred compassion in me. And I could relate to much of it, even from a more female perspective. For example, I'm extremely uncomfortable if I'm seated at a large table in the middle. It's intensely overwhelming and induces panic and a freeze response. It's like if I can't see all faces clearly and know exactly what is happening with everyone at every moment, catastrophe will result. My heart races, my breathing goes shallow and I'm drenched in sweat. I know where this trigger comes from. Like you, I experienced bullying both at home and in other contexts. It's painful to realize I've been over-reacting sometimes due to triggering. I'd feel intensely angry at my partner, and totally justified in my rage, only to find the next day that I'd start to realize I had been triggered and was having an overly reactive moment. I wasn't in the present at all; I was having an emotional flashback. But the feelings feel so real that it can be a little bit crazy-making. I had many problems and much suffering in workplaces, too. An important step was for me to understand my rights as a human being, and to begin to feel worthy. You are not alone, and it does get better. If it's okay, here's a hug  ~ Viola

Shaolin five stances training in a great short video. I will be doing this one many times over the coming weeks, as it is challenging and strengthening. This is where qigong meets martial arts:

https://youtu.be/4ONoZbZJN1I

I only have time to share something quickly today -- I found this podcast really great, so some of you may find it useful. There is some discussion on healing trauma and anxiety at around the halfway point:

https://blog.sivanaspirit.com/secrets-medical-qigong-healing-movement-adaptogenic-herbal-morning-tonic-conversation-david-beaudry/

Hi Tee, I also found your poem very touching. It felt very familiar, as I'm also trying to reach the "littlest broken part, The one holding the core of all the self doubt." Sending a hug if that's okay 

Viola

Here's another practice by David Beaudry that has become a favourite -- watch for the point where the Shoji screen falls over This one is about half an hour:

https://youtu.be/tOq-L3s8j7g

Hi Eidolan, in my experience, once I let the pressure off myself by saying something like, "These are only practice rough sketches that nobody will see, and I will make hundreds of them," will I then loosen up enough to improve in my drawing skills. It has to be kinda Yoda like: less trying and more just doing. Just being and doing as drawing. I'm not sure if this makes sense or will help at all. Please disregard if it's not for you. I've definitely been there, where I have paying creative work, and been at a total loss about how to go about it. It's even been kind of terrifying sometimes! And I'd be in denial about being afraid, only making it worse. Good on you for acknowledging you're anxious about it.

This has been a very helpful thread. Denial keeps coming up for me as well, and I find myself getting very frustrated about it. I know I was abused, but I continually feel very guilty for saying it, or thinking it. Then I wonder if maybe I'm exaggerating. At the same time, I go around expecting abuse or thinking it's just normal. Or, worse, I'll think I deserve it. Because deep down, I have these lingering feelings that I'm repulsive and flawed. I pushed those feelings way down to get by, but they dogged me and dragged me down. It's truly awful, and I feel for all of us who suffer from persistent NSC. It can be excruciatingly painful and makes it difficult to get support from others because mostly I just want to hide. Yes, S&B, "exposed" is  the perfect word for it, and it's something I'm working on gently: first with allowing the very difficult feelings to exist, acknowledging them, and to be especially kind to that part of me, and secondly to practice a sort of exposure therapy to feeling exposed, but in a safe setting, so as not to re-traumatize myself. Like this forum Hugs to everyone in this thread for all you've been through

1. Sometimes it's up to me to take care of myself. And today it felt great.

Last night was an important lesson in self-soothing. I just had to accept that my partner's own well was dry. I felt anger, resentment, despair, blame, abandonment. I was avoiding him, because I didn't want to feel such discomfort and anxiety again. At last he asked if I was punishing him. But I just didn't want the pain, feeling like I couldn't handle any more. I was able to express this to him to some extent today, noting that both our wells are quite empty at the moment. We need each other, but we don't have a lot to offer just now. Both of us acknowledging this helped immensely. My anger and resentment towards him dissipated, and his resentment feelings seem to have dissolved as well. I can be in the same room with him now without having EFs, or fearing major EFs because he might enter the kitchen while I'm cooking!

2. "All enlightenment is making rice."

I can't recall the source for this koan, but it's one I particularly like. Today self care involved making ramen for lunch. I caught myself rushing for no reason, muscles tensing, my inner critics spurring me to "hurry up." Pete Walker describes a very similar experience of his own in The Tao of Fully Feeling. It's great to know I'm not alone in this aspect of recovery, where you try to do something nice for yourself, something enjoyable, but your critical voices take it into an anxious place. For me the critical voices are often very hard to detect clearly, but they're very much there and near-constant. While cooking, it might be something like, "*! Hurry up, hurry up! Let's go! C'mon!" There might be name-calling and worse swearing as it amps up. Cruelty over time pressure is a big one for me. So there are many opportunities to work on noticing, feeling and slowing down throughout the day. Mostly the rushing is entirely needless and counter-productive, only making me so anxious as to be less effective in whatever it is that I'm doing. Instead: practice being truly present while "making rice" and then choose a kinder and more mellow attitude to hold the activity in the moment. Today I can see that I'm getting better at it.

3. It's okay to reach out, and it doesn't have to be perfect.

I made plans to go for a walk with a good, supportive friend this week. She knows I'm going through a difficult time, so she's been opening the door to me, but I've been putting it off with, "too busy" and "not feeling well." The thing is, here is this good friend, and it will feel good to connect in person with her! Why not make that a priority? She will be forgiving that I'm not at my best. Now I'm looking forward to it, instead of feeling anxious about it.

With each of these three good things today, I'm feeling less alone, and more at peace.

1. Sometimes it's up to you to take care of yourself.

Last night was an important lesson in self-soothing. I just had to accept that my partner's own well was dry. I felt anger, resentment, despair, blame, abandonment. I was avoiding him, because I didn't want to feel such discomfort and anxiety again. At last he asked if I was punishing him. It wasn't that so much as just not wanting the pain, or feeling like I couldn't handle any more. But I was able to express this to him to some extent today, noting that both our wells are kind of empty right now. We need each other, but we don't have a lot to offer just now. Both of us acknowledging this helped immensely. My anger and resentment towards him has dissipated, and his resentment feelings seem to have dissolved as well. I can be in the same room with him now without having EFs, or fearing major EFs because he might enter the kitchen while I'm cooking.

2. "All enlightenment is making rice."

I can't recall the source for this koan, but it's one I particularly like. Today self care involved making ramen for lunch. I caught myself rushing for no reason, muscles tensing, my inner critic spurring me to "hurry up." Pete Walker describes a very similar experience of his own in The Tao of Fully Feeling. It's great to know I'm not alone in this aspect of recovery, where you try to do something nice for yourself, something enjoyable, but your critical voices take it into an anxious place. For me the critical voices are often very hard to detect clearly, but they're very much there and near-constant. While cooking, it might be something like, "*! Hurry up, hurry up! Let's go! C'mon!" There might be name-calling and worse swearing as it amps up. Cruelty over time pressure is a big one for me. So many opportunities to work on noticing, feeling and slowing down throughout the day. Mostly the rushing is entirely needless and counter-productive, only making me so anxious as to be less effective in whatever it is that I'm doing. Instead: practice being truly present while "making rice" and then choose a kinder and more mellow attitude to hold the activity in the moment. I'm getting better at it.

3. It's okay to reach out, and it doesn't have to be perfect.

I made plans to go for a walk with a good, supportive friend this week. She knows I'm going through a difficult time, so she's been opening the door, but I've been putting it off with, "too busy" and "not feeling well." The thing is, here is this good friend, and it will feel good to connect in person with her. Why not make that a priority? She will be forgiving that I'm not at my best. Now I'm looking forward to it, instead of feeling anxious about it.

With each of these three points, I'm feeling less alone.

If you only have a few minutes, or if you want a quick introduction to qigong, this video by Jeff Chand is a good start. I find his gentle energy and humour calming, but also invigorating. He's also a physiotherapist and offers videos for specific kinds of pain and healing. This is the quick one I did today:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jMuHgj3FF_k