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Hi obscured..

I'm glad you found a place where you relate too, I fell the same.

I'm also new here, i read what you wrote and even know our 'stories' are different I felt every word you wrote..
it sounds like you have been through a lot in your life but i can also hear how strong you are and how much hope you have.

so....welcome aboard and if its OK.. i want to send you a big hug!

Have a lovely week,
raindrop.

[triggers]

* trigger alert
there might be a lot of triggers in here

I finally found a safe place where I can let this out.

when I was 10 years old i moved with my family to other country. most of my family lived there too.
I was about 12 and my cousin ( a girl) was about a year smaller then me.
my mum used to take to with her to my aunts house, while they sat in the living room chatting of about grow up stuff, me and my cousin would go to her room to play. at first we did play games, the game board and other kid's games. we were lying in her bed watching TV and she suggested we try something... she touches me i touch her....we started playing that game a lot...
I didn't like it when she touched me but i felt bad telling her, so i pretended i liked touched her more...
where were our parents?
her mom knocks on the shut door but doesn't open it until my 11 year old cousin tells her it OK... even though there is no lock on the door...even though the door is shut...and even though it takes my cousin more than a minute to give her OK ( so she can get dressed).
oh...and she's only 11.
other times she took me into the bathroom(there a lock on the door).
her mum comes looking for us...knocks on the locked bathroom door, my cousin unlocks the door and her mum asked her what are we doing in here.... eem nothing....
that's about it.
IT went on a while,i hated it, wanted it to go away, it felt so uncomfortable when i touched her,even more when she touched me...urgggg. finally i started avoiding going over there all together... ( not suspicious mummy's?) maybe our mum's thought we've grown out of play dates.
about 3 years later, after recalling my sexual abuse at age 6, and my cousin  ' coming out ' to her perants who didn't take it so well at all.. we because friends, started smoking together, bringing vodka and orange juice to school in a kid bottle and hanging out together with her new gay friends..i enjoyed it and i was going through a s*** time.
we never ever talked about it, but it took time for me to stop having it in my head.
I'm 28 my cousin is 27 and just bought a house with her long time part er of 6 years. my husband and i are friend s with them (  my husband also studied with my cousin's partner and got to became friends).

what happened?
was it just a game?
was it just and innocent  experiment of her discovering her sexuality through me?
if it felt bad was it that bad, like sexual abuse bad?
I told my therapist once about a year ago... but i don't think that even he knew what to say.

I'm confused...have been for years.

Its hard to find words after so many years trying to find the right words to describe what its like to be me.
so i made a small list:

sexual abuse age 6-10
recalling the abuse age 13
therapist
psychiatrists
hospitalization
endless medication
major depression
ECT (Electroconvulsive therapy)
eating disorders ( bulimia,anorexia)
self cutting
Depersonalization Disorder
Derealization Disorder
suicidal attempts
sexual harassment
sexual assault( age 17)

complex PTSD.... very complex...
I'm not in the same place i used to be when i was younger ( I'm 28), i worked hard to get where i am today. got married last month to the most wonderful man in the world( we have been together for 10 and a half years). I'm a student at my 3 year studying to be a therapist for youth at risk. i have beautiful days full of life, fun and love...
i have an amazing therapist for the last 2 and half years ( never hang around so long)
but still...
there are days like this where a feel like that list....sad and painful, where even breathing hurts, days where all the good just disappears  and I'm left to put my self back together again because tomorrow is a new day...
where i live there is not much awareness for c/ptsd.. so i keep searching for a place where i can feel understood even buy not saying a word...

thanks for reading,
have a wonderful night...or day...

me.