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Hey! I'm new here so I'm quite late to the post, but it caught my attention because I've been going through a similar situation, although not so much with dreams, but in the general re-visiting past trauma.

Our childhoods sound a little different, but last year I read through my social services files, and since then I've been unlocking bits of my past that I'd kept hidden from myself and reliving it, but from the adult point of view. My heart breaks for the little girl in those files, and sometimes I try and think how I'd feel if the little girl wasn't me, but a story about another child that someone was telling me, because I still struggle to understand that all that stuff actually happened to me.

I've found it's good to sit with those memories, to give that little girl the kind of care she never got when she needed it, because I still am that little girl too often. To tell her it's okay to feel scared, or sad, or angry, and that her emotions are valid and that it's not her fault, but I also tell her she's going to grow up and achieve what I have achieved. For example, I never ever thought I'd go to uni, and I didn't go until I was 24 and re-discovered something I loved enough to want a career in (which took it's own hard work- I had to revisit my childhood to figure this out). So now I tell the little girl that despite how she feels right now, she goes to uni when she grows up, and anything else I can think of to soothe my inner child and instill a bit of calm and confidence.

Thank you for your post. I don't have many friends, and although I've tried to explain as much as I can about CPTSD (none of them knew much about my upbringing until recently and I've only discovered CPTSD this year), there are certain bits they can't understand, or I can't explain, just yet. Reading your post has made me feel less alone.

Hi. I'm new here so hopefully this is the correct place for this post. Apologies if I ramble, I'm not great at explaining!


A bit of background - my parents are alcoholics and my CPTSD stems from emotional abuse and neglect, some physical neglect and some very minor physical abuse. I'm currently living with them (details not needed for this post). My mum also has bipolar disorder. I call my dad a 'functioning alcoholic' because he's always managed to work and drive etc, whereas my mum hasn't. My childhood was hectic, my parents have a toxic relationship but the house has generally been calmer for the last 10 years or so (it's still not calm, but it's better than it was growing up). Throughout that childhood, the police were called a handful of times for allegations of abuse, to talk to my dad about speeding and I can't remember what else.

As a child, I begged my parents for a divorce and my mum left the house a few times for various things, including for rehab, for a shelter, and a couple of stints in hospital for a broken leg. This was the only calm time I experienced. Fast forward to now, and this week she told us she was leaving, but on account of accused mental abuse from my dad. I'm okay with her leaving, we had no relationship beyond a few words here and there and now she is gone, all contact will be ended. As far as I'm concerned, this should give me some peace and also improve my sleep, as there won't be arguments every evening. As far as I know, her allegations are false but I will say I may be too close to the situation, and too habituated to the situation to say it with conviction. Anyway, before she left, she had trouble getting into a shelter and someone advised her to call the police. They couldn't help her but she found an alternative the day afterwards and has been gone since Saturday.

The police coming triggered a MAJOR emotional flashback for me, but I can't fully understand why. My usual triggers are confrontation and things like my dads attitude, a feeling like someone is being too pushy, things like that. My usual reaction to a triggering situation is to either remove myself and have a panic attack in private if I'm in a familiar situation (home), or to freeze, accept whatever is happening and later, panic attack and try to backtrack (e.g. agreeing with my boss to do work I wasn't comfortable with, going home, panic attack, messaging to apologise but I couldn't do the work). Before the police even arrived at the house though, I was shaking and while talking to them, I almost couldn't talk. To my memory, I've only experienced that kind of full body shaking when i'm having a full blown panic attack but I couldn't cry or hyperventilate etc while they were here. Since then, I've been locked into an anxious an angry state. I don't usually experience anger during flashbacks, but I vaguely remember a time in my childhood when I felt some very all-consuming rage against my mum. Saying that, I have had much worse experiences than the police visits to my house, so I don't understand why it's provoked a more severe reaction than other situations.

In short, it's been a * of a weekend. I haven't processed any feelings about my mum leaving yet. I know what other people expect me to feel, but I feel as though the experience with the police has overridden my ability to process anything else right now. I thought I was beginning to understand my flashbacks, but now I'm just confused. If you've made it to the end, I appreciate you reading!

Firstly I don't know if I'm posting correctly, so fingers crossed this ends up intro the intro post!

My name's Em, and earlier this year, I started reading Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Before that, I hadn't heard of CPTSD and it feels like a huge relief to finally know what's going on.

A bit of background - my parents are alcoholics and always have been. When I was a child, I made it onto the child protection register, but I did not know that until last year when I applied for access to my social services records. I just knew I was some 'some' register'.  My case is very complicated (as I'm sure many of you feel too) but is based about neglect and mental abuse rather than physical abuse, although it toed a line. I won't put all the ins and outs here in an effort to be brief, but I've come to a point where I feel the need to connect with others who can understand a bit better what I'm going through perhaps than other people.

Frustratingly, I've not had a formal diagnoses as I'm trying to overcome some anxiety about my doctors - they've historically not been very helpful with mental health issues, and I fear that not getting the help I know I need will push me back.

I look forward to being a part of this community.