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My parents made me and my younger sibling pretend. They made us feel afraid of what would happen if we ever talked about anything about our family or what went on at home. When I grew up I became an over-sharer and then fell prey to psychopathic N's who used anything I said to hurt me.

So, sometimes maybe pretending is the way to go unless you know you are safe to share? We aren't obligated to tell the full truth to everyone. 

Hi Kizzy, thank you! Yes, I am interested in virtual therapy. It seems a bit daunting trying to figure out where to look. I've seen some ads for Better Help. Should I give them a try? Or do you, or anyone here, have recommendations for where I might begin to search?

My mom actually showed me a post about CPTSD yesterday, and I couldn't sleep lastnight ( cant remember dreams but wake up feeling devastated and crying) so I read up on it and stumbled upon this forum. I'm just looking for answers...I'm tired of struggling to the point I have to have a fit of rage to be able to cry afterwards to feel some semblance of normalcy. To get the roaring noise in my head to just simmer down for a brief moment of peace...

Hi Cray. I definitely hear you on that - the struggle, rage, cry, "normal" cycle. There's times when I could feel I needed to cry but it was all rage inside, so I had to go through that first so that I could get to the crying and then yeah, the aftermath of feeling drained but more "normal." You aren't alone.

Also, learning about CPTSD for the first time is a bit devastating and triggering at first - you mention not being able to sleep and then feeling devastated. Know that that is normal, it is a lot to digest at first. Also, it seems like we cry when we discover a "truth" we weren't aware of.

Welcome! I hope you start to feel better!

  Hi, Marian82!

Hi all! I'm really glad to have found this forum, even if I shy away from posting much at first. It somehow helps to know that I could. I will try to help and lend a shoulder where I can as well.

For the therapists, I would say maybe trying to find one is ok, but be on the look out, because sometimes they just don't fit.

Thank you, Marta1234. It is good to know I'm not the only one whose had to search to find the right therapist. The whole thing is really new to me. I was raised by parents who were outright hostile to anything related to psychology/therapy. And my entire family is REALLY messed up, but I'm the only one who tries to do anything about it, so far.

Also, thanks for writing about pmdd! I have major symptoms in the days before my period. Delusions even. Some psychiatrists recognize it, some deny even pms exists. I still hope to find something that helps with it.

You and me both. Having 1 week every month of your life in pure triggered awfulness is too much! I already have to watch being triggered at all times, but especially then. I hope there will be more research on the link between the two soon so that we can get some help! 

Wow, thank you all for the warm welcome.

Hello, OOTS. I've been reading posts here for a little while and wanted to say hi. 

This past year has been intense. I began to learn I have Relational Trauma when everything in my life sort of fell apart and I finally had time and space to figure it out. After being bullied at work for years I lost my job, started a new career, moved to a new city, got a serious injury that is taking nearly a year to heal, and several other illnesses which required rest and healing. Over some time I noticed that every month with my cycle I would get flashbacks and nightmares and uncontrollable mood swings and I finally tried to investigate it online.

I found out there's apparently a connection between PMDD and PTSD, and the more I read about it I learned that complex PTSD is something I've had all along and never knew it. I also believe I have DID for many other symptoms I've always had. I'm still researching.

I have not been officially diagnosed, but feel it's a pretty sure bet I have relational trauma response. I'm not sure how much I should say about my past traumas. Basically I have had a large variety; I can relate to the topics in most of the child boards in both Childhood and Adulthood boards. I've also endured several near death experiences, from illnesses to very large/intense natural disasters (yep, more than 1!).

As for professional help, I am living in a foreign country with my husband where we don't speak the language, so it's been challenging to find help at the moment. There are English-speaking-charlatans posing as therapists here, and I had the displeasure of seeing one. My husband says the experience made me feel extremely worse than before, but I don't remember, my memories are blank from that time. It's made me afraid to look for another therapist. But I know I should. I have only seen professional help one other time, about a year ago. It was a good experience, but it was focused only on getting laid off from my job unfairly. She was so supportive and completely on my side, which really helped me through losing my job. But she doesn't specialize in childhood trauma. I hope to take another chance for help at some point, but I don't know financially how to do that yet.

What I'm currently doing to work on healing is basically everything I can find on my own - my favorites are listening to podcasts about CPTSD, reading books, workbooks, sites like this one, exercising, meditating and picking up hobbies I've neglected for years. I've also begun to write about everything I can remember, every major event/trauma that I hadn't been able to process before. I've been feeling compelled to share with others, and I'm thinking of making a blog just in case it could be helpful for anyone else who has experienced any similar things. That makes it sound like I do a lot, but truthfully I can usually only manage one or two of these things per day so far. But it has been helpful because I've begun to see small glimpses of my healthy self again for the first time in many years.

Also, I'm trying to push myself to actually post online for a change. Years ago I was really social, online and offline, but I have become shy and a lurker since my several-year-run of toxic jobs and bullies, and sadly realizing that most of my "friends" were "fair-weather" and/or "frenemies". Also, who knew social anxiety could affect posting online as well as in-person interactions?!

Anyway, thanks for reading.

TL;DR
Hello. I'm new. I have recently learned I may have CPTSD and DID. I wanted to find a place where I can come out of my shell a little bit, and hopefully understand and be understood. I also want to continue to learn how to heal while living abroad and feeling isolated (especially now with Covid-19 quarantines.)