Messages

*Possible language/word triggers*

I seem to be in EFs all the time.   I'm exhausted.  There will be a trigger - a look, a comment, an action, news event, etc., and then the feelings come.  They overwhelm me. I realize my reactions/feelings are severe for the situation -  then the critic – "you are so defective, you are worthless, no one will ever love you, no one cares, you could disappear right now and no one would notice, etc."  These ruminations are hard to stop.  The words are things heard through my entire childhood. They have continued into my adult life.  One of the biggest and seems to be reinforced IRL is my ex-husband telling me "as soon as anyone gets to really know you, they will leave you" – (this seems to be my IC's favorite.) Right now I've been avoiding everywhere and everyone.   

How do I get out of these EFs and stop my IC from constantly jumping in?  Due to some recent conflicts I've been feeling really unsafe and fearful.  I'm trying to follow Pete Walker's 13 steps for managing EF but what about the experiences that keep happening today? Are they triggers (i.e., not being invited to something, having a flooding dissociative experience - and then being dumped, current day abandonment, etc.)? These things really happened, not just in childhood and it really hurts.

I joined this group a few weeks ago.  I am so afraid no one will respond to anything I might post, I'll do it wrong,....  IC says I don't deserve any support because I'm so damaged.  I'm overwhelmed where the right category is to post this. 

Saying hello.  I struggle with C-PTSD and am in severe "emotional flashback" mode.  I only recently read about this kind of flashback and wonder if I've been living in them for years.  Done lots of therapy, CBT, Meditation and self help for childhood emotional abuse and incest from father (age 3 - 15).  I feel so ashamed to still be struggling.  Several new events over the last three years and recently in the last month... anyway - I'm not doing great.  Lots of shame about this.

Chose the name Green Tomatoes because we had to harvest our garden and I've been making all sorts of foods with them trying to use them up before they get blight.  Once the blight sets in, I have to throw them out - they are useless, even for the chickens!  I feel like I'm one of the green tomatoes and instead of figuring out something delicious I'm just rotting and getting blight.  It comes on slowly, but then renders the tomato ugly and useless.  Of coarse, "uselessness" and being "thrown out" feel so familiar. 

I've signed up on this forum as well as another one for survivors of childhood abuse.  I've felt too ashamed to say hello or even share my story.  I'm having a lot of fear and anxiety - not functioning well, numbing out by processing foods from our garden, reading and watching TV.  Feeling very fearful to be around people other than my husband and dog.  Had a panic attack in Costco the other day - took to flight (haven't had one this severe for almost 20 years).  Well. . .   that 's all for now.  I'm going to go toss more greenies.  They aren't even useful in the compost as they contaminate it.