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Hi all,

I have always suffered from anxiety,  but now I'm starting to wonder if I might have some OCD, and how the two might be related. Long story short, I basically can't stand to have anything left hanging. If something needs to be done, I want it done NOW. I like to plan things such as trips in as much detail as possible. This has served me well in my career because I cannot stand to have a project outstanding. I like to get it done!

My husband, and in fact his entire family, are all the exact opposite. They wait till the last minute on everything, and always have a sense of flying by the seat of their pants, but yet they (mainly the in laws) refuse to relinquish control. An example: a few years ago they wanted us to go on a weekend trip with them to celebrate their anniversary. They had been talking about it for a year, but we didn't know where we were going or even the exact date until about a week beforehand. And we didn't even know the address of where we were to meet them until we were leaving to meet them.

My husband has slowly begun to realize that he needs to make some concrete plans in advance, or else my anxiety will be triggered hard. And I've tried my best to let a lot of things go, but now I'm wondering how much of this is triggered by trauma. I grew up in a home where you never knew exactly what was going to happen. Literally, someone could bust into the house during Sunday dinner, drunk and wanting to fight. How do I let go of my need to control, and my anxiety over things I can't control? The serenity prayer is my mantra, but it's so hard not to get triggered.

Thank you all! I appreciate it so much. It's going to take a long time to begin to heal.

Hey all,

I wrote about my elderly dog's failing health in my last post (Anxiety spiraling on Aug. 20). Well, yesterday he suddenly died here at home with me. As I wrote before, he had been up and down, but was generally doing really well for the past several days. We had called the vet to come give us an assessment of next steps, but he was doing so well we canceled the vet appointment.

Having him go on his own was truly the best thing that could have happened for him and me, but I am just broken hearted. I am extremely distraught. I think this is literally as bad as when my mother died.

My husband has been great. my my anxiety has now been replaced with a deep dispair. I just need some good thoughts right now. Thank you.

Thank you so much Papa Coco!

Thank you Kizzie and rainydiary! Your kind words really help! I appreciate it!

Hi all,

I'm feeling a lot of anxiety spiraling out of control, and could use some support. It doesn't take much to trigger it, but right now it seems to be triggered by my elderly dog's failing health. He has been sundowning, and has gone through periods of lethargy this summer. He's now on gabapentin for possible arthritis and to help calm him at night, but he's clearly not as peppy as he was even a few months ago.

I'm crying a lot, and my heart races during the day, while my mind races at night. My dog HATES the vet, so when the time comes, I'm going to have to basically OD him on Ace before the vet can come into the house (I would be doing this with the vet's guidance). I can't stop ruminating on this, even when my dog is doing relatively OK, which he is right now. Every time I try to talk rationally about it I just start crying.

My husband cares, but he just doesn't get any of my anxiety. He doesn't understand it, and he's not really prepared to deal with it. I'm not in therapy right now, My old therapist no longer takes insurance of any kind, and honestly, I'm not sure she would be the right one for me now. Since I've learned more about CPTSD, I think I need a therapist that specializes in that.

Xanax will stop the heart racing, but I don't want to take it very often. Pot makes me SUPER paranoid. I do tend to drink too much to self medicate.

Would appreciate any advice or just internet hugs! Even typing all this out has made me a little calmer.

TW -- alcoholism, bullying, inappropriate behavior and violence

This topic is really resonating for me. My mom did her best to protect me and get me out of harm's way when my alcoholic father came to the house (on more than one occasion) and got physically violent. Unfortunately the violence often begat more violence. Once he showed up and tried to smash in the windows in our home with a golf club, and my brother (who was much older than me) threatened him with a shotgun. Another time he chased us around the house with an adze and we were only able to get away when he swung it and got it stuck in a wall (I don't remember this incident, but it was brought up over and over again by my mom's brother, who just liked talking about it). On all those occasions we ended up literally running for our lives, and she got us to safety.

But I struggle with the times she and my grandparents didn't seem to notice or validate my "little T" trauma: My cousin, who bullied me mercilessly, was told to "cut it out" and "be nice." When a repeat visitor to my grandparents' motel grabbed me and tried to feel of me when I was 8, I was told to avoid him. Two of my mom's brothers were just as violent as my dad. The one who always talked about the adze incident hit her himself. She responded by just not talking to him, but always seemed to feel guilty about it.

That's really where I'm struggling in my journey. The things I ruminate on are not the life-threatening episodes (though admittedly, I don't remember a lot of them), but the little day-to-day traumas. Sometimes those memories are so overwhelming, I just wish I could forget them too.

Kizzie, will do!

CactusFlower, good point. The author suggested concentrating on one particular place if you moved a lot in childhood.

Thanks everyone! I have posted about the book in the Books & Articles section!

The full title is Repeat After Me: A Workbook for Adult Children Overcoming Dysfunctional Family Systems

Thanks to Cactus Flower for suggesting I post about this one. Here's the link with full details from Amazon. I purchased the Kindle edition: https://www.amazon.com/Repeat-After-Me-Overcoming-Dysfunctional/dp/1942094779/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=repeat+after+me&qid=1624983515&sr=8-2

This one isn't CPTSD-specific, and it's very much a workbook (though I admit I'm not really keeping the journal because I'm not ready to write down a lot of what this workbook is bringing up). I'm only on the second chapter, but something interesting came up for me in Chapter One. The book asks us to visualize our childhood home and to associate which rooms made us feel happy, afraid, or sad. Then to do the same thing for our current home. I realized that when I felt afraid, I leave the house, like I literally had to run away, and I do the same thing now.

Has anyone else read this one?

Thank you so much CactusFlower!

Hi everyone,

This isn't technically my first post, but it's my first introdctory post! I admit to being very intimidated about opening up, even anonymously. And I'm honestly not sure where to go next on the board! Maybe some of the regulars can help me out?

I'm a married woman in my 50s. I grew up in an alcoholic and generally dysfunctional household. There was drug and alcohol abuse, criminal activity (drug dealing), extreme bullying from a cousin, and general violence (some of it sexual). No surprise, my first relationship as a teen was with a boy who was violent and who stalked me.

I suffer from extreme anxiety, depression and general catastrophizing. I've been in therapy since high school, and while it has helped at times, it wasn't until I found this board that something clicked with me. I do think I suffer from CPTSD, though I have not been diagnosed by a professional. I don't feel like I can really talk about any of this with anyone I know, including my husband.

I am now reading a book called Repeat After Me, and it's bringing up a lot of stuff for me. Some of it is pretty upsetting, so I'm trying to take it slow. Would appreciate hearing from anyone, especially those who may have read that book.

Hi all,

Gromit's post pretty much describes me to a T. I was actually searching this board for information on limerence and disassociation when I came across their post. Here is some info on limerence: https://livingwithlimerence.com/what-is-limerence/

I'm a 53 year old married woman. Ever since I was a child I have had obsessive, overwhelming fantasy crushes, mostly on famous people. In fact, I'm sort of coming off one now. I recognize now that these fantasy crushes happen during traumatic events. 2020 has certainly been traumatic! In the beginning stages of these crushes, it's like they force everything else out of me, and the crush almost becomes an imaginary friend who exists with me. BTW, I had two imaginary friends as a child, which apparently really upset my mother.

I'm interested in learning more about limerence as a dissasociative coping strategy. I'm new in my journey to understanding CPSTD, but I feel like this post has unlocked something significant for me.