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Sending you support for your holiday L2N 

There's a deep fear that people with a lot of power to do something negative to me, are going to draw terrible conclusions about me by how I act or come across, which will set the doom in motion. In places I can't escape. That is a crucial ingredient, just like it was when it started.

You know SO, this reminds me again of how similar our stories are. I often struggle to explain this feeling to people that I somehow get engaged in these "power struggles" with other people, or my deep fear of someone else's "power" over me, and my reluctance to open up and share those parts of me that won't be spoken over; that are mine. It's comforting,and validating, to know that others experience this because I feel like it's chalked up to "old stuff," or dismissed as irrational (like I SHOULD be able to get a hold on this fear, or escape it, but it's often like it's so big, or inexplicable).

I am also reminded of your entry by our conversation about people "rewiring" what I say. At least this is how I remember it, that struggle to be heard. I am currently undergoing a back and forth about this with my t, where I feel the manner in which she says things are akin to the ways that emotion was used as manipulation growing up. She feels like I'm trying to "control" her expression, and I feel like I'm asking for just some recognition. I also had the experience where it was like being baited to give an answer and then "shown," or told that there were studies that showed how just letting a client talk wasn't that effective. To me, it's the same merry-go-round of not being heard as to what my needs, and inner world require, which would actually allow me to open up and trust. Ironically, I chose a t that was about agency and the "self." So, am just offering that there is someone else who understands a bit about the feelings/aftermath that result after having grown up with a critical/encompassing force. I don't know if you've seen them, or if they would be of use, but I've found Jay Reid's videos on scapegoating to be helpful in mapping out a sort of framework for this "displaced" self. Though, there's still more understanding to come.

Sending you support,
dolly

What if it isn't selfishness at all? What if doing that is an integral part of being a healthy human being? My mind runs from any hint at selfishness as dangerous due to my past. So I am learning to think that it is not that but the fundamental right of human beings to notice their limitations, boundaries, resources, and needs. And to communicate them in a respectful way to others. As well as then limiting the access of anyone who does not agree to them.

Because to ignore my needs and boundaries, isn't it to ignore my humanity and my value? And anyone repeatedly doing this would then inherently be unsafe to be around if they do not stop and repair? What do you all think?

I think this is an incredibly insightful way to look at it. I do feel like my body (and subconscious) have other ideas at times and that's where I find the problem that when faced with "danger" it will just switch into the fawn or freeze response. I guess at the moment I'm trying to understand what that concept of "danger" is? Like any kind of conflict or power struggle seems to flick the switch as I call it, and I'm trying to unpack that. Even if my brain says one thing, it's like my body does another.

Wishing you all the best with your new journal 

I am curious...who is shaming you? And who is hating?

Fear is an interesting concept that I have been thinking about recently too.

I hope you uncover all the things you are dealing with and give rise to that more integrated sense of self 

I'm sorry DD. I think that you did the best for yourself that you knew how to do at the time and it helped you to survive. I'm sorry as well that your parents put you in that situation, that's a horrible betrayal and I can understand fighting for the need to exist. It's also something I struggle with.

I have been listening to some Heidi Priebe videos lately and she talks about how to not be manipulated by looking at the ego version/idea of ourselves that we need to survive. For me, it's so hard to shake the idea that I have to be a nice person. Like it just throws my world off if I do not adhere to this, and healthy selfishness is something I'm working on. But I get how something so normal for others can be so outside my sphere of relating.

Sending you support and a hug if that's ok 
dolly

Hi noraw,

I think you did a very good job of finding the right words for what is happening with you.

I had an EMDR therapist and have also used IFS. The EMDR therapist wanted to do deep brain reprogramming and I felt a lot of resistance to that as it would be "rewiring" underlying perverbal parts that I didn't feel I had contact with at that time. I came from an NPD household and my sense of self dissociated/detached from a very young age I think. Jay Reid's videos of growing up as a scapegoat in a narcissistic household have helped me understand how and why this happens, and I can interpret how it relates to me.

I also started seeing a NARM therapist who I think has been very helpful in helping uncover that sense of self to a degree, though issues have come up as well. We are going into the space around the fear of connection, or I find I can now start to understand and stay with the fear/anxiety that comes with connection a bit better. I would say that I probably have dissociated or hidden parts (not DID), and feel in a better space overall to have these start "coming up."

I'm not sure if your therapist mentioned it, but there is a good book on IFS and dissociation by Joanne Twombly.

I've also been uncovering and dealing with underlying health issues that have also helped facilitate this (less anxiety, more calmness).

Sending you support and I hope you find what you need here.

dolly

The thing is, that the ADHD was the missing component in my C-PTSD story. It was the gift to my protagonists, the instability in me that justified the condescension, bullying and neglect. It gave them fuel to undermine my boundaries and my privacy. And when the trauma moments reached their absolute crescendo, it made me less and less able to control my feelings, and my focus and my self moderation went to pieces, which, of course, made their lousy, petty behaviour even easier. As the trauma hit, my self control went with it, and shame was to follow.

James this is a fascinating connection. I have always searched why my boundaries often seem permeable to others around me, trying to get a "rise" out of me, and often succeeding. Why wasn't I "strong" enough to keep it out, it must be something within me that I haven't "dealt with" yet. I had a look into ADHD a while ago and was quite interested how it and trauma symptoms overlap. I posted some things on the forum. Again, I though, oh well maybe if I just dealt with the trauma as, and afterall, as a scapegoated child it was me, I was the problem and the one who had to change. Interestingly too, my t at the time seemed reluctant to label things as ADHD (citing Gabor Mate eetc), but I don't think it's always as simple as if I just work harder, I can change this (as you mentioned). I've also been looking into and adjusting things health wise that can contribute to "anxiety," but perhaps there is another piece here again. Thank you for posting this.

Sending you support,
dolly

Hi Ran,

I also have a distrust of peoples' intentions and often jump to the conclusion that they are trying to hurt me. Like you, I'm also fearful avoidant. I found Heidi Priebe's videos to be interesting on attachment theory, though I think the ones that have had the biggest impact are Jay Reid's videos on growing up as a scapegoat child. I also find IFS to be helpful though am working on connecting with Self more due to preverbal trauma (I think this is where the Jay Reid videos come in).

Sending you support,
dolly

Hi Ladyboar,

I'm sorry to hear about the passing of your cat. It made such a huge impact on me when mine passed away as well.

I also understand the feelings of was it that bad? I struggled with this for a very long time because of all the "love" my family gave me. If you're interested, I just finished reading I'm Glad My Mom Died, which dealt with that idea as well, and how a parent/caregiver can be loving and abusive at the same time. I also got a lot from Believe Me by Judith (?), which was about being gaslit by her m about the abuse she endured.

Sending you support for your journey,
dolly

Good for you for saying no. I remember being filled ovewhelmingly with guilt when I did that with my gm because she "loved" me. It was a difficult thing to go through. I hope you can hold onto this feeling and moment for those times when your guard might be down.

Sending you support,
dolly

Hi Bach,

It's interesting, I just listened to a Jay Reid video where he talks about leaving the "upside down world" of the scapegoated child. A lot of those times the world does feel unsafe because it was unsafe to have those feelings. It was the "normal" that you grew up with where there were very real repercussions (ie life and death for a child) if you didn't follow along. For a child to be no one to no one (to not be accepted by your parent if you didn't conform to their view of you as being the wrong/bad/etc etc one) meant that you wouldn't exist and that is an annhilation/life or death feeling. For me, I think this feeling was there since birth, or before birth, and it's so hard to seperate that out (how did my FOOs idea of the world overtake my own Self) when the only world that I have known has felt unsafe.

Sending you support 
dolly

There are certain intestinal factors that can heighten already predisposed people to inflammation such as SIBO, virsues, fungal infections (candida) etc.

What I have found going through my genetics is that I have quite a inflammatory markers for inflammation ie double IL-6 mutations etc. (I think I wrote about this elsewhere on the forum as well). I recently found a website called https://noorns.com/dna-reports/ where you can upload the raw data from a genetic test (I did 23andme) and they will output a report centered around some issue. I did the MCAS test, but there is an atopic dermatitis one as well. It's not really a black and white interpretation, but It helped confirm that histamine is an issue for me (have gone on a low histamine diet to reduce inflammation (also, lots of emotional/psychological stuff comes up around histamine), and still exploring the mast cell side. I know that when I started taking sodium cromoglicate it was like a while new side to my personality.

For me, there's also something I call "body anxiety" and anxiety that comes up around certain people/situations. Going through and managing my health has helped me differentiate between the two ie how I feel after I eat a certain food (gluten is a big trigger) is more "body anxiety" related and not because I'm in an EF per se. Though I do think because I was sick as a child there is some emotional overlap here. I've come to realize that the body/mind connection is a circle: sometimes it's our minds influencing our bodies, and sometimes it's our bodies influencing our minds (feelings etc via CNS for example).

Will have a look into Peter Bullmore's book, thanks!

Hey Erec,

I had frequent eczema as a child in addition to numerous "allergies." Interestingly, the only food related allergy I had been confirmed for at the time was chocolate. Because of recent health issues (wrote about elsewhere on the forum), I have come back to these allergies/issues. Mast cells (and mast cell activation) can be triggered by stress. Some of the symptoms that present with it frequently are skin issues (hives etc). Certain people predisposed to having inflammatory genetic markers (as well as the genetics for developing mastocitisis (sp?)) can present with this and lead to a lot of complex and varying symptoms in people. Now, when I eat something that I think might be a trigger, I will have itchy elbows etc for example (a place of eczema as a child).

dolly

Hey asdis,

I hope you're able to take that doctor at face value and what she can do for you, anc not take her lack of understanding as something to do with you. Just because she's never had to go through certain things in life doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you.

Sometimes too, people need space to calibrate information and it's not always necessarily a judgement. And sometimes it is, but that would be on her and not you.

Yes, I get you about making choices based on convenience. I take it as information when I get sick from that that it is in fact not all in my head, and something is happening. When I don't make those choices, I'm taking care of myself and feel better for it. I do get worried about lingering inflammation and "what have I done/have I screwed it all up" but I think that's FOO stuff to process. For me, there's also a lot of anxiety and/or depression/feeling down that comes with inflammation.

Sending you support 
dolly

There's something incredibly demoralizing about finally getting answers after 16 years only to find out that we've been right all along, that our disordered eating, our asthma, our skin problems, our inability to lose weight, our severe environmental allergies, our personality shift between 3rd and 5th grade.. could have all been avoided? Or at least, softened? Not only our FOO, but our peers, teachers, extended family, friends and their families, the rare doctor.. they were all so mean!

I read your post a while back and was too busy to comment, but wanted to come back to it and say congrats that you have found some answers and relief. It is a hard thing to deal with when people tell you that it's all in your head because it's something they themselves have never had to deal with, or understand. I guess for myself, I think I was tested at such a young age that I don't have a lot of memories of being sick, or what it was like to go through that, but I'm sure they are definitely buried in there somewhere. Though I do remember that I was sick, I guess it just felt like it was my fault. I was told/blamed that I was a "picky eater" and know that some of the things I didn't want to eat are things that I am reacting to now. I have heard that people have had good results on xolair, and I hope you're able to find some relief with that.

I had a "cheat" meal the other day probably because I was tired of the limited eating, and probably partly because I have been feeling so good that I wanted to see if these things were all in my head. The next day, I felt absolutely awful, like I was hung over all day, didn't want to move, and always seemed like I was on the edge of a headache (thanks tomatoes). It's pretty incredible that up until June, I've been eating this once a week. No wonder my body was always inflamed and unable to lose weight. Trying to explain why you're tired (because you ate a food) is also difficult I think for most people to understand, and the onus comes on me to keep everything together, which is also really difficult. These are the genetics I was born with and I have to manage them the best I can, and once I do that, it does help me start feeling better and a step away from all the what ifs and past behaviour of other people (and into the new/same old gas lighting of other doctors).

Sending you support and hope you feel better soon,
dolly