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#2
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Intro
November 22, 2019, 10:21:47 PM
Sorry for the length.
My father left me and my mother when I was a little over a year old. He was a drunk and never stayed in one place. I connected with him in my late teens, then he disappeared again. He died 5 years ago, but had been dead 3 yrs before I found out. Mother remarried when I was 2 and I watched my adopted dad beat my mother when he was drunk as I grew up, until they divorced when I was 10. He would drink and black things out, not remembering we were going to meet for dinner, etc. I discontinued contact and we've been estranged until recently. We've just begun communicating a little through social media.
My mother was abused as a child and put in the hospital once by her dad. She's always been emotional, breaking down crying over some of the smallest things and takes everything personally. I was always left feeling responsible, constantly anxious and depressed, before I even knew what those words meant. I always listened, was always the good boy; listened to her get angry in traffic, angry at me when I did something wrong or just asked a stupid question, or get slapped for not swallowing a pill. I learned the best thing was to be quiet, walking on eggshells until the next breakdown. My best memories as a child are of when I was alone. It was horrible when she was dating after her and dad split. Her bringing home guys felt awful. We are estranged now as of last year (her decision), though she's still my friend on Facebook... *?
Although I was always anxious, my real anxiety issues kicked-in in my senior year of high school. We had just moved and I had trouble even going to school. My most accuse symptom is that I get shaky, my gag reflex intensifies and I will physically gag. For this reason I have a severe aversion to the dentist; haven't seen one in years. Couldn't date. Any situation where I would be nervous, job interviews, talking to girls, etc. At first it seemed these attacks happened for no reason. Mother took me to Drs. who would say I had an ulcer and prescribed Tagamet. I had one visit to a psych and he basically told me to get over it. I had seen a therapist later who helped with cognitive control of the anxiety, never touched on deeper issues. It got me to where I could function a bit better and begin dating.
Now I'm an adult (50) and married, I tend to waiver in how I feel. Wife calls me moody. Sometimes I'm pessimistic, ruminating on things that make me angry or depressed, but if you talked to me I would come across as a friendly, positive, and patient guy. And sometimes I do truly feel positive and hopeful. I have few friends. None that I'd call close.
My wife has ptsd from childhood too (father is severe narcissist and possible her abused her physically), and a seriously psychotic boyfriend experience that had her suicidal. We've now raised 3 kids who have anxiety and depression issues. We've tried hard not to pass on our issues, but have failed. Our marriage goes fairly well as long as we're not discussing serious issues and have enough external distractions to talk about. I find myself walking on eggshells again. I'm always the one who's done wrong in any argument and am the one to beg for forgiveness each time, yes some deservedly so. We've almost divorced multiple times and it appears a split may be coming as I write this.
I'm exhausted, struggling to pay the bills, tired of being ignored (friends and family alike), nobody reaches out to me to check-in or just say 'hi'. I don't trust any of my thoughts and frankly don't know who I am anymore.
My father left me and my mother when I was a little over a year old. He was a drunk and never stayed in one place. I connected with him in my late teens, then he disappeared again. He died 5 years ago, but had been dead 3 yrs before I found out. Mother remarried when I was 2 and I watched my adopted dad beat my mother when he was drunk as I grew up, until they divorced when I was 10. He would drink and black things out, not remembering we were going to meet for dinner, etc. I discontinued contact and we've been estranged until recently. We've just begun communicating a little through social media.
My mother was abused as a child and put in the hospital once by her dad. She's always been emotional, breaking down crying over some of the smallest things and takes everything personally. I was always left feeling responsible, constantly anxious and depressed, before I even knew what those words meant. I always listened, was always the good boy; listened to her get angry in traffic, angry at me when I did something wrong or just asked a stupid question, or get slapped for not swallowing a pill. I learned the best thing was to be quiet, walking on eggshells until the next breakdown. My best memories as a child are of when I was alone. It was horrible when she was dating after her and dad split. Her bringing home guys felt awful. We are estranged now as of last year (her decision), though she's still my friend on Facebook... *?
Although I was always anxious, my real anxiety issues kicked-in in my senior year of high school. We had just moved and I had trouble even going to school. My most accuse symptom is that I get shaky, my gag reflex intensifies and I will physically gag. For this reason I have a severe aversion to the dentist; haven't seen one in years. Couldn't date. Any situation where I would be nervous, job interviews, talking to girls, etc. At first it seemed these attacks happened for no reason. Mother took me to Drs. who would say I had an ulcer and prescribed Tagamet. I had one visit to a psych and he basically told me to get over it. I had seen a therapist later who helped with cognitive control of the anxiety, never touched on deeper issues. It got me to where I could function a bit better and begin dating.
Now I'm an adult (50) and married, I tend to waiver in how I feel. Wife calls me moody. Sometimes I'm pessimistic, ruminating on things that make me angry or depressed, but if you talked to me I would come across as a friendly, positive, and patient guy. And sometimes I do truly feel positive and hopeful. I have few friends. None that I'd call close.
My wife has ptsd from childhood too (father is severe narcissist and possible her abused her physically), and a seriously psychotic boyfriend experience that had her suicidal. We've now raised 3 kids who have anxiety and depression issues. We've tried hard not to pass on our issues, but have failed. Our marriage goes fairly well as long as we're not discussing serious issues and have enough external distractions to talk about. I find myself walking on eggshells again. I'm always the one who's done wrong in any argument and am the one to beg for forgiveness each time, yes some deservedly so. We've almost divorced multiple times and it appears a split may be coming as I write this.
I'm exhausted, struggling to pay the bills, tired of being ignored (friends and family alike), nobody reaches out to me to check-in or just say 'hi'. I don't trust any of my thoughts and frankly don't know who I am anymore.
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