Messages

Arpy, you're a dear and a breath of fresh air.  Maybe the community here is part of the "how."  You and others have made me realize I'm not floating alone in space.  I've read your words several times since you posted them, and they break through for a bit each time.  Thank you for the reminder that I need to continue to try to accept where I am, and not expect a quick miracle.  So hard when every single day, all day, has been a nightmare, for over 18 months.

Please know that in your pain, you have helped me cope with mine.   

Arpy, thank you for the reminder that it takes a lot of time to get better.  My symptoms took very little time to develop, so it seems that the last 18 months of sheer * have been FOREVER, especially since I have so doggedly and desperately pursued virtually every form of treatment.

My situation is not typical for most with cptsd.  I had issues and psych/emotional childhood trauma, but functioned well, grew, and mostly felt like a normal person with a broken, confusing marriage, until the roof crashed on my head.  I've come to learn that chronic emotional trauma in adulthood can cause cptsd, especially when crowned with the devastation of finding out I was massively betrayed by the husband I trusted and cherished for 40 years.  So I keep questioning whether I can recover, when that might start to happen, and how how how?

I know nobody can answer these questions, but I value the support and camaraderie here at OOTS. It's an important component of my journey toward believing my SELF, and in learning to set better boundaries in service of my precious SELF.  Even though setting them makes me feel like I'm being thrown out of the pack into the snow to be eaten by wolves.  And on top of all this awful, creepy anxiety and derealization.  This is the crisis of my life that I'm desperately trying to survive.

I've been thinking about you, LadyFinn, and wonder how you're doing? 

Kizzie, that is so helpful.  I need frequent reminders that I am not defective, I'm not unlovable, I'm not the "sick" one.  I've frantically pushed myself to heal for over 18 months (every kind of treatment imaginable) to no avail, resulting in more trauma.....especially since I've been labeled a "co-addict", borderline pd (really?? When I never had these symptoms in 59 years?), told I was staying helpless to keep hubby from leaving me, "love-addicted," and "playing the victim."

Sometimes we really ARE victims!!!!  And yes, I know quite well that healing means taking responsibility for my own healing and leaving "victim" status behind, but it's a * of a lot easier said than done.

I especially appreciate your saying to self soothe "as best you can in the moment."  This has flummoxed me more than anything....the strategies that should help me do this often backfire and make me more anxious and derealized, which in turn freaks me out and it becomes a vicious cycle.  It's a relief to hear I'm not the only one. 

I too see OOTF as a hopeful venue to help me heal.  Being here has already helped me feel less freakish, and I am grateful.  Thank you for taking the time to so thoughtfully read my posts and respond so caringly. 🌹🌺🌼

Thank you, McKyla.  You too are not alone.  I relate totally to your description of how terrifying, overwhelming, and unending the symptoms are.  I tend to isolate too, for the first time in my life, but what does help me survive and keep functioning is that I force myself into activities with others. Even though it causes more anxiety, even though I can't feel pleasure, even though it reminds me I'm lost in space while others are engaged in life.....I do it anyway.  If I dont, I'm much worse off.  Too much time alone makes me virtually out of control and not safe.

Just want to encourage you to engage with supportive people, create activities with others, not let yourself go around on the hamster wheel in your head too much.  It truly is the only thing keeping me afloat, especially now that I've separated from my husband. 

I so appreciate your sharing and your kind words of support.

LadyFinn, I'm a little confused because I responded yesterday to a thread you started in May, and you've been active on that thread in the last few days.  Did you start this new thread to specifically address the betrayal trauma?  Doesn't matter, just want to communicate with you because I'm going through such a similar crisis.

Please check your original post/thread and I won't bombard you with a rehash of what I said.  But please know my heart is with you.  I too had a narcissistic parent, but it was the horrific betrayal by my husband of 40 years that sent me into true * for the first time in my life.  I posted on this site looking for support around the same questions you have asked.....why don't I get better after so much therapy and so much time?  What's wrong with me that other women survive cheating husbands without suffering these devastating, unbearable symptoms?

You are not alone.  You will get through this, I truly believe that, and be stronger for it.  We are strong, loving, good people, and our bodies and minds want to heal.  It just takes time, perseverance, and a supportive tribe. 

Hi Cinders....I turned 60 this year, really bad timing in the midst of the worst crisis of my life, and so in addition to dealing with the first ever onset of severe cptsd symptoms, I've got the grief/loss/can't get that lost time back stuff pounding me.  But I keep reminding myself that it's NEVER too late, that every day is a new opportunity, that anything is possible.  It's my life and I'm free.  I work hard to get myself to believe that, and it doesn't always work, but every sliver of that message that gets through brings a glimmer of hope and relief.

"Let go of how you thought your life should be, and embrace the life that is trying to work it's way into your consciousness."

I am heartbroken for you, MaryAnn, as I am for LadyFinn, myself, and so many others whose posts I've been reading.  But you're right; I AM strong, you are strong, we wouldn't still be here if we weren't.  You are doing all the right things to create a path toward true healing, and it sounds like you're gaining traction.  I pray for traction.  Those of us who are partners of sex addicts share an unfortunate bond in our largely unrecognized torture.  Others think they get it, but they don't.  Before my world blew up, I thought I knew what I'd do and feel if I found out he was cheating....but I had NO clue how devastating the betrayal is.  And I had no idea that the years of emotional abuse by a closet narcissist could set me up for cptsd.  Until I read Minwalla's Thirteen Dimensions of Sex Addiction-Induced Trauma, I was continuing to unwittingly absorb the blame and responsibility for my breakdown.  My therapists, family, and friends amplified this because they don't understand the nuances of this brand of trauma.  It's insidious as can be.  Only now do I have a therapist who gets it, and my symptoms are so extreme and treatment resistant I don't know that even she can help me.  It may just be a matter of time and perseverance. It is such relentless unbearable distress.  Reading your words and LadyFinn's gives me a new sliver of hope.  I am not alone.  I am not crazy.  We can get through this.

Stillhere, those are the most comforting words I can imagine, i.e., "you'll find other people here with similar experiences.  You are not alone."  Thank you for that.  And for your loving, caring message.  I have felt so horrifyingly alone, I have no words for it.  Nobody understands. Nobody can help.  I have felt like I'm free-floating in deep dark space with nothing and NOBODY to grab onto.  I have spent ten weeks in two different treatment facilities, utterly misunderstood and unheard, 8 months in an intensive outpatient program which didnt help, undergone EMDR, brain spotting, SE, neurofeedback, even transcranial magnetic stimulation.  Several ER trips and one 72-hour hold. Thousands of dollars on homeopaths.  Dozens of medication trials.  I feel like I have burned out my minimal support system, as even sister and brother are frustrated with my endless perseveration on my distress and my lack of progress.  I have always been an achiever, and I'm ashamed of my inability to get better, despite throwing myself and all resources at any and every possible avenue.  I treated people for twenty years, and NEVER EVER could have imagined anything like this.  Thank you.  I do take solace in knowing I'm not alone, tho I wouldn't wish this nightmare on my worst enemy, and I am pained to see how many suffer too.

LadyFinn, I made my first post just now before reading yours from yesterday.  Reading what you wrote brought tears to my eyes.  It is so similar to what I've been going through.  I was a therapist, but am utterly flummoxed by what has happened to me.  I have done tons of therapy in the last year and a half, much of which has made things worse for me....I've been called a co-addict, addicted to suffering, made to feel like I'm the sick one while my husband looks like he's growing and healthy.  Horse pucky! He's got narcissistic tendencies among other personality disorder traits, and has made me look like the bad guy or defective one throughout our marriage.  I know I have some trauma from my childhood, but until recently no therapist I saw believed that I DID NOT EVER HAVE THESE HELLACIOUS SYMPTOMS BEFORE, in 59 years.  My descent into * was caused 100% by his gas lighting, lying, coercion, manipulation, and utter betrayal of me. The human being I attached to and believed to be my lifelong soulmate turns out to be my tormentor and perpetrator.  Only recently have I begun to stop blaming myself, and realizing I am NOT DEFECTIVE. I was helped by reading Omar Minwalla's article called "Thirteen Dimensions of Sex Addiction-Induced Trauma," which you can search and find online.  I'm so saddened to hear of your extreme distress, but you are not alone.  I'm in * too.  And I know there are others with a similar story.  The sex-addiction treatment community is slowly evolving to realize the sometimes devastating impact on partners.  Yes, most of us have had early attachment wounds/trauma, or we wouldn't have gravitated to partners with intimacy disorders....but the devastation of this kind of betrayal is largely misunderstood.  I'm hoping we hear from others who know this soul-destroying *, and am praying the support here might shine light on a path to recovery.

Hi there...I'm a 60 year old female, retired psychotherapist.  I had a narcissistic/borderline father, a loving mother who adored me but turned on me when my father demanded it.  I had an eating disorder most of my life, worked on it and my sense of self throughout my adulthood.  I was stable, successful, had good outside relationships, a vibrant mother, grandmother, friend, clinician. I learned to mostly like myself.  Married 40 years to the nicest seeming guy in the world, but an emotional wolf in sheep's clothing.  He's charming, manipulative, subtly coercive.  After a series of traumas nearly 20 years ago, he "broke" and converted all his pent up rage into rage at me.  Mostly underground rage.  Wouldn't have sex with me anymore.  Would seem like my best pal and partner, then withdraw and be cold and sullen.  Fast forward to 3 years ago...I was diagnosed and treated for breast cancer.  Husband was not supportive, tho he tried to look the part. As I was recovering from surgery and 6 weeks of radiation, I learned suddenly and horribly that hesa sex addict and had been living a double life for nearly a decade.  Many women, but especially one for whom he bought a house, a car, unbelievable jewelry, dozens and dozens of trips, a staggering amount of money thrown away.  Lurid horrible emails, texts, voicemails, I saw and read way too much.  This woman harassed me and my family for months once Bubbie was outed.  Long story short, we were working toward reconciliation but about 8 months after the Armageddon of learning about all this, I totally fell apart.  The worst creepy anxiety I've ever felt, all day every day.  I feel derealized, like I'm in a bad dream. Not me, and everything imaginable is a trigger.  I can't modulate emotions.  I wail, scream, cry, punch pillows and walls.  My sense of self and reality are shattered.  It's been 18 months since I fell apart....I've had every treatment imaginable and nothing has helped.  A month ago I kicked him out, at least for a while, because he's so self absorbed he believes he is MY victim. He secretly videotaped me wailing because he feels sorry for himself.  The last straw was when he mimicked me while I was whimpering.  I'm struggling horribly with severe cptsd symptoms, tho I push myself to function as much as I can. I'm virtually unable to self soothe.  The strategies that should bring comfort or relief increase my creepy anxiety.  I NEVER had any of these symptoms my entire life!  I now have all the horror show symptoms plus the grief and loss and destabilization of living alone, feeling like I've lost everything...most poignantly, my sense of existence, my sense of reality, of self.  I'm praying for a miracle.  The only meds I can tolerate (after trying everything imaginable) are lorazepam and Lunesta, and even those bring little relief.  Are there others of you who have suffered severe cptsd as a result of betrayal trauma by a long term spouse?  Other women I've met in therapy groups are not affected as devastatingly as I....I feel like the Lone Ranger, which increases my trauma and desperation.