Messages

  Thank you for your quick reply. Just ugh so confused. Is it really worth it to try and heal if it hurts others so deeply in the process? I've always been the "strong one" the protecter. Now they are having to support me and it's bringing out all these things I've tried to soothe and protect them from. Maybe I'm just ranting now but inside I keep screaming * is wrong with people. How can people do these horrible things to others? I know these are unanswerable questions. Again Thank You for allowing me to just get this out.

 I started therapy a week ago when this monster I've been battling got to big for me to fight alone. I have gotten very raw a few times with details of my "secrets" when I've been in the trenches. Now "secrets" from loved ones have started spilling out. They are now facing all these things they've "tucked" away for so long too.

  It makes me wish I would have never tried to do anything about my "monster". I feel like I'm causing so much pain to all of those around me. Is this a normal occurrence with this? I'm lost and don't know what to do. My next session is Thursday. I'm hoping to get answers then but am pretty deep in wanting answers sooner than later.

Let me start by saying I am so sorry you have endured so much. I don't understand myself why or how people can be so cruel. I just know I see allot of me in this. Please stick around for support. Sending you much love from someone that understands the pain and harm that was caused to you by all of this. We are worth so much more than all of this.

Beautiful, I so get every word of this.

  Again, thank you guys. I read so much on here for a few days before deciding to post. I took so much comfort in how much support and understanding I was seeing here. My support system has consisted of my Mom and my husband. I can NOT put any of this on my children and have honestly shut everyonelse out.

   While I hate that anyonelse has been effected by things of this nature, I find comfort in finally know there are others who might understand this "craziness" that goes on in my head. The realization that I wasn't just being over sensitive just hit me a week ago. I went to a movie with my husband last weekend. In that movie a boy was being beaten bloody by his brother and being so degradated verbally. My eyes started to sting and I felt so small and sick. It hit me like a brick. My childhood was what horror movies are made of.

  I have always carried this with me. Until just this week though I always felt it was a problem with me. Like, why can't I just let this go and go on? Why do I still let him control me. When he says jump I need to jump and do it with a (fake) smile? Last instance was 10 years ago I loaned him the $$ for a house. I never got re-paid 1 dollar. He called me a month ago saying I needed to meet him at his bank and sign off on his lean because he was moving to another house and needed me to do that so he can get it. Long story short, I bought him a 120k home. Why can't he see that is not right? Why do I allow it?

  He had apologized to my mom for the sexual abuse some time ago. She just recently told me this. I had to ask her, then you KNOW it happened. Why have you continued to expect me to "help" him? Why after protesting for so many years made me feel bad for not wanting to spend Holidays and get togethers with him? I have always given in and went for her. I would always be in a foul mood and slip into a very dark world afterwards.

  I'm so sorry for the length and depth of this. This is still just the tip of the iceberg but man it hurts and feels good at the same time to get some out to some that may get it. Again thank you all for allowing me to let my "secrets" start to come out and not feel like I need to just "shut up" about it. WOW what a mess.

Thank you all for welcoming me. Yes, this is hard to open up about for me. It's gotten very heavy lately. I'm scared to death of what is going to happen by getting help. I don't quite know how to feel. I honestly don't even know who I am. I've always felt like it was just me, like I was born defective or something. I'm just now seeing this in no way was my fault. I'm So scared of what me getting help is going to do to those around me. It's taking a huge toll on my marriage and my mother.

I guess I really don't know where to start. I'm a 39yr old married mother of 2. I started therapy just this past Tuesday after realizing this monster I have been fighting 34 years alone was just to big.

   I have been a victim of sexual, physical and mental abuse by my brother since the age of 5. The sexual stopped at 10. The physical continued until I got married at 17. The mental continues.

   I have had to keep these secrets pretty much my whole life. My mom knew "things" happened but brushed them off until now that things have gotten raw she learned just how deep "things" were/ are.
I guess it's important to note my brother is 5 1/2 years older than me.

  This is so embarrassing and shameful. I'm trying to get help but am very guarded. I'm hoping to find that with the right help I can one day be atleast partly normal. I apologize if anything I've posted is inappropriate or has caused anyone else pain. I really just need to find others that understand.