Messages

Thanks Kizzie.
Takes only a couple minutes to research that information (side effects & class action lawsuit) about Gaba.

To echo MaryContrary's assessment of gabapentin...re psychotic side affects, I read the side effects of Gabapentin and instantly assessed that I had every extreme side effect listed.  Also, there are several online references to class action lawsuits against the drug manufacturer for Gaba's worst side effect.
Since there are rules on here about excluding detailed extremes, I cannot divulge how far & how badly those side effects instigated a horrid breakdown 3.5 weeks ago.

So, about a week + ago, I tossed out ALL of my gabapentin meds.  Was on Gaba since December 2013, which was initially prescribed for trigeminal neuralgia.
Already feeling better, more alert, positive sensations returning, the fog of sedated depression beginning to clear.  Of course, this is on my own and not at the behest or guidance of a counselor/doctor.  Typically, going cold turkey off meds or deciding to go off meds isn't recommended.  In my case, I do not have the luxury of medical benefits & a counselor, so I am doing this solo.

Currently taking 1,000 mgs of Inositol (natural mood help for panic attacks & anxiety) daily.  I'm still getting over the vicious spin which the Gaba. did to my brain & body and very slowly on the mend. 

Read over your posts; those of us with CPTSD have lots of triggers and different needs to keep ourselves at peace in order to stay sane.
Due to my own issues generated from CPTSD, social contacts can be volatile.  First, I have to really assess if its 'my' problem with others (I'm bringing the static) or the other person/s are genuinely annoying, rude, etc.  Since I have an aversion to noises like babies crying, people griping about their lives, annoying habits...I have to take evasive, corrective measures to negate 'run-ins' with others.  If I get my hair cut, I find a salon where it's just me in the room; listening to everyday gossip nonsense would drive me crazy.  There's plenty of salons & spas that would work with you to have a peaceful experience.  For living space, I live by myself.  There's no way I'd tolerate the habits of another person; they'd have to put up with 'my' issues as well, which isn't fair to them.  I know I'd be difficult to live with, and the risk of taking my stress out on another person would occur. 
As I'm struggling with the highs/lows of barely managing my own symptoms, I have to practice 'mindfulness' that I need to instill habits to keep social run-ins to a bare minimum, and that the possibility exists that I'm projecting my issues onto someone else and escalating things.  Case in point, I went to see a movie in a public theater a few days ago.  Two people sat behind me, chatting & eating popcorn so loud, it was driving me nuts.  So, were they behaving like everyone else in the theater? Yes. So, instead of turning around and ripping them a new one and escalating the situation into a confrontational scene, I saw some remote, quiet seats 7 rows down and moved.  They didn't get verbally ripped & I didn't get ejected from the theater.
Some aspects of social interactions are very easy for most people to handle.  Those of us with CPSTD have a wide variety of difficulties with the human race.  Many of my military combat friends greatly suffer the same; so I'm trying to start a veteran only fishing network where I live...so we can go find quiet, peaceful areas to decompress & begin small steps to practice rebuilding a normal life.  When I see what they endure every day...scanning rooftops, streets, alleys, crowds for terrorists...in addition to social difficulties, I realize that my own challenges aren't nearly as bad as theirs. Which doesn't make mine any less difficult, but gives me a larger perspective that I am fortunate to not have war-time images permanently stuck in my head.  My New Years Eve was spent keeping a fellow vet from running off into the woods after hearing fireworks at midnight, which he took for artillery being lobbed.
Best prevention I can do is find ways to keep me mellow most of the time is venturing out into the woods, mountains, trails, etc. 

Kizzie said: Hi UG - I am currently on Gabapentin (900 mg down to 200 now) for shingles which started in April if you can believe it and still have tingling/burning/numbness in nerves on one side of my my chin.
I think the Gaba it also helped with my Social Anxiety Disorder, at least I think it may have as around about the same time I started on Celexa for BIG time panic attacks. I haven't had a panic attack since starting both meds even though I have decreased the dose of Gaba. I have read though that going down or off of it can bring on the anxiety, especially if you do it too quickly.  Are you still on Gaba?  And if not, maybe you reduced too quickly?  Are you still getting the nerve pain at all? 
I don't have any side effects save some occasional sleepiness which I like because I sleep better and some vivid dreams although again that may be the Celexa.

Hiya Kizzie.
Because I thought I was having root canal problems and what seemed to be heart attack symptoms...landed me in the dentist's chair, and then the ER.  -I had no clue what the heck was going on, and it was ALL starting to freak me OUT.  ER doctor highly recommended an MRI, which I declined due to no medical insurance.  I simply cannot fathom burning thousands of dollars for medical examinations which may or may not figure out the source reasoning why I have trigeminal-N.
Leading up to the ER visit, I was having vicious, long lasting panic attacks that spanned days, weeks and months.  Just torturous stuff.  I think I literally 'blew' a 'head gasket' brought on by the extreme stress in my system.  I'm still on Gaba, 300 mgs 3 times a day.  It does help stun the anxiety, but I have had catastrophic, highly disorienting panic attacks while taking it.  So, within a year of taking Gaba, I've had about 5 devastating panic attacks.  I think Gaba keeps the anxiety/stress under wraps, but its only suppressing it vs. ensuring full coverage.  It's not wholly reliable to prevent panic attacks.  I agree with you, it does numb up the brain/senses, which in turn levels out some of the anxiety urges.
I have seen combat veterans get issued prescriptions of Gaba for anxiety, etc.  Personally, I'd like to get off the stuff, it dulls my brain a lot...and I need to be VERY razor sharp with my work and during conversations.  It also makes me feel a little dizzy, which isn't good while driving.  I do NOT like the subtle 'detached' sensation while driving.
I will be searching out a brand new counselor in a month or so, and trying to figure out how to shop for a counselor who specializes with CPTSD.  -Do counselor's exist like that?
After really searching around the Net about Celexa, I'd really like to try getting on it.  Which leads me to a couple questions...how can I get a counselor to prescribe me Celexa...instead of some other drug? 

Kizzie said: "I am not at all interested in MDMA recreationally, but it's something I would consider using with a therapist as a way of getting behind the wall or into the vault where the trauma is stored.  When you have used it did you see into your dark places or was it more a positive 8-10 hours of feeling sociable and loving? The author in the O Magazine article wrote that in her session she did venture into the darkness, and that she was able to get past the fear and be accepting and compassionate, which is what the excerpts I posted earlier seem to suggest. From your experience can you see MDMA being helpful in working through past trauma with the self-compassion it seems to tap into?"

Unless the therapist can legally prescribe it (not sure how that would happen) since it's classified as a dangerous street drug, not sure how anyone can obtain MDMA without having to find/buy it from nefarious sources.  My brief encounters with MDMA were 20+ years ago; each session was over 8-10 hours straight, and zero darkness/negativity at all. It's a VERY intense, long super freaking happy layers of effects from physical to mental.
In my opinion, you don't have to make ANY effort to get past barriers, depression, emotional walls, etc.  That mess evaporates immediately on MDMA, you are 100% free of any of your troubles/issues, which is why I called it a 'vacation from yourself.'  As far as 'loving' or 'compassionate' goes, I wouldn't say those are major emotional factors I recall from MDMA, it's more of a truth serum...it instigates you to tell others exactly what you feel or think.
MDMA dissolves all barriers which might be seen as embarrassing 'after the fact' in that you didn't really want to share that much about yourself.  Hence, highly trusted friends or a partner who's taken it with you.  MDMA isn't something which pinpoint targets trauma; it makes you share EVERYTHING but in a fun, upbeat, positive manner. Which is why rave goers really love it, they're dancing, having fun and letting loose.  I think it would be pretty difficult to try and focus on a trauma or anything heavy, you'd have hours and hours of not being able to think of any bad stuff.
If I recollect, it was highly effective with married couples who could not get past negative hang-up's, grudges, hatred, etc...in order to save their marriage.  MDMA would have given a couple a long break to just enjoy each other, apologize for being mean, spiteful, and hurt.  It would definitely break down defensiveness and intimacy problems.  MDMA is an intensely interactive drug, you will be compelled to honestly admit how you feel/think about others, and the overwhelming urge for physical contact (massage, sex, intimate contact) is a major component.  It is highly favored by some couples for the extremely heightened intimacy urges; I wouldn't want to use it with a pseudo-stranger like a professional counselor.
All drugs, whether legal/illegal...have differing effects on an individual such as that O Magazine author.  I'd recommend others to do extensive online medical research, there are pros/cons about any drug; but MDMA does have ingredients which will make you fail a drug screening test, and it is highly addictive for some users.  Considering the unknown street ingredients that can be downright deadly, toxic or damaging; I would not venture to track it down again.  I was fortunate over 20 years ago to have access to high quality, clean MDMA.  -Those days are long done!

Some MDMA Links:

http://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/mdma-ecstasy-abuse/what-mdma

http://www.drugfreeworld.org/drugfacts/ecstasy/what-is-ecstasy.html

http://www.urban75.com/Drugs/e_guide.html

Kizzie said: "This is quite informative Ghost.  I know about the military (H just retired from the Cdn Army) and here in Can at least PTSD seems to be a lot of attention and support as are the police, EMT and firefighters (although I don't think CPTSD has had much if any attention yet. I did see it on the US Veteran's web site though).  Anyway, I am astonished to hear that DR's don't have much if any support, but if the work is mostly contractual/volunteer I guess that would be the case.   
Is there any kind of association for DR's that might take this (educating re the need for support for PTSD at least and possibly CPTSD in some cases) on as a project? I'm not sure what that would look like but there is often power in numbers and it sounds like it's needed.  And do you think a forum for DR's might be a useful idea?  I'm just noodling here, but that's the whole reason OOTS was started - nowhere online for us to go and talk about what we are dealing with."

Congrats on your retirement!  Again, nothing is free when it comes to medical in the USA, and money is everything despite the need for a particular resource.  Most counseling is quite pricey 'out of pocket' (60-100+ per hour) and only paid staff for all disaster orgs/agencies I know of...are covered.  The irony is that the HUGE chunk of disaster personnel who deploy are volunteers, therefore, unless they have their own medical insurance which covers counseling, they are on their own.  Paid staff are the fraction of any disaster response oriented org/agency, and they typically don't goto the field.  The power in numbers is fractional...you have seasonal workers (wildland firefighters), on call disaster personnel, volunteers, and contractors.  VOADs: Voluntary Organizations Active in Disaster (Red Cross, Salvation Army, etc) have no counseling coverage for their thousands of volunteers.  As I said, every disaster heard of on USA soil is mostly comprised of volunteers/on call paid workers and contractors.  -None of which have ANY benefits! 
On large scale (deadly, nasty, catastrophic disasters such as 9-11 or Katrina) incidents, the 'street' terminology is called 'loading up' or decompressing...i.e. your body/mind trying to rapidly dump the stress. 
I completely agree with you on ideas, etc, but again, it sources back to funding. SAMSHA: http://www.samhsa.gov/ is the only leaflet material floated around on disasters, again, it's just a piece of paper with links/resources and some written advice, but that doesn't cut it for those who keep going out.  On major disasters, the American Red Cross, bereavement chaplains, etc do make their rounds, but it's typically AFTER personnel get home or 'demobilize' when the decompress 'dump' process occurs.  And that timeline is the worst shadow time period.
This is identical to our wartime troops; they don't usually start decompressing in the field, its when they return home to family/friends and 'détente' that they begin processing imagery, memories, events.  And when they truck off to the V.A. for help and told to 'wait' (and our VA system in the States routinely let vets die), they begin to go insane without help, meds, or guidance.
Also, many so called disaster volunteers still have 'day jobs' or active careers, unlike the military.  I think it's tougher for disaster personnel to discuss their troubles with colleagues because they are still in the game.  NONE of my disaster friends know; only a rare few OUTSIDE of my circles do.  Honestly, if any of them were having problems, I'd never know either.

To Spryte & S-C:
One way to really get around the social endurance shopping...which I really like...is having an Amazon Prime account.  2 days free shipping comes with the Prime membership, and you can order just about anything through the membership; I also dig the free movies and other perks.  Works great when you're just too fatigued/tired/disinterested with the collapsing issues.  Takes my mind off things a little with the enormous surfing on the site.  I'm far from being a shopaholic though.  I sure hear ya both with the social interaction fatigue 'energy sapping' it takes.  With my current situation, I've basically been alone/isolated for 10 months straight and have a great tomcat for company.  Unfortunately, the isolation has taken a large bite out of my sanity. So, the collapsing with me is a long, drawn out session.  I'm barely coming out of a 4 day long panic attack which was quite nasty; been sleeping and trying to keep sane.  Glad I found these forum boards...you folks are the only one's I'm trying to interact with a bit.

Psilocybin in contrast to MDMA:  Psilocybin has greater hallucinogenic effects which aren't always guaranteed to be good or make you feel good.  You can have a 'bad' trip on it, and also 'trip out' harder than you intended.  It also goes for many hours, about 8-12.  You won't be able to drive or interact with society.  It is ideally taken in a semi outdoor setting FAR from society with others who are also taking it.  It's not meant for casual use and going out to the movies, etc.  You risk getting arrested if you take it and go mixing around public spaces and human populations.  It's not the break-through drug like MDMA at all.  It's a solid hallucinogenic trip which can go great or can go too intense/bad trip.  Smoking a little pot with it also shaves off the intensity.  Keep in mind with any drugs...if you are subject to blood/urine screening, taking 'street drugs' can land you in a lot of trouble.

MDMA is a completely different 'trip.' Check out online sources for the chemical compounds and mixture which makes up MDMA, it has a few different properties, its not pure cocaine or heroin, its a concoction which should make you fail a blood/urine drug test, and I think it stays in your system for awhile.  MDMA is a solid good 'trip' from start to finish.  I don't think it's possible to even have a bad trip on it, it's a total override of intensely positive, honest friendly energy for 8-10 hours.   

MDMA...
In my few encounters with MDMA, it acts as a 'truth serum.'  Anything & everything you would 'normally' hold back, don't say, don't share...comes floating out in a very positive euphoric way for about 8-10 hours.  It has the potential to wreck your joint fluids (I suggest reading up on the physical damages which have nasty consequences) and you will feel your lower spinal cord ache. 
I think it has good use for breaking through significant walls in your head & heart.  It does last a LONG time in your system, and you don't want to use it around others who are FAR from ready to handle the 'FULL YOU' with no restraints. 
It's been incorrectly labeled the 'love drug.'  If I faintly recall, it was used by marriage counselor's to help couples get past their hatred/problems of each other.  It has been highly and widely abused by rave party fanatics and sex based interests.
One boundary most people have is their personal 'space.'  As in most people aren't touchy-feeling (as in having to touch another person ALL THE TIME) and adhere to respecting personal boundaries.  If I sit next to someone, I don't sit RIGHT up against them, I give them their space.  -And hope they respect mine.  Most people give brief handshakes and physical greetings.  We don't go around giving hugs and kisses to everyone we encounter and telling them 'I love you' in a crazed manner...followed up by offering massages. 
MDMA breaks down ALL BARRIERS and BOUNDARIES.  It will make you want to say WHATEVER you've EVER held back, it will make you want to tell others EXACTLY what you think, good or bad.  It makes you extremely touchy-feely, which is why diehard rave attendees love the stuff, because everyone is right up against each other for HOURS.  It causes you to be super social, non stop talking, non stop touching, etc.
I wouldn't take it alone either.  It's best taken with extremely trusted friends and/or partner who are ALSO taking MDMA.  You will definitely annoy or make a non using MDMA person really wierded out...with the exception of a counselor observing/controlled environment.  You cannot and should not drive on it or EVER go out in public on it...because you will NOT be able to STOP yourself from hugging and talking to every person you meet.  It's ideal if the setting is planned well...quiet, uninterrupted space, mellow surroundings, and identically like minded company who will take it with you.  Smoking a little pot with it helps take off the 'intensity' and calm you down.  It's a long, long 'trip' so you should take all precautions to safely use it for the purpose intended.  You will have the best time EVER (in my opinion) because you have no stress, no constraints, no worries, no problems...for 8-10 hours.  I used to call it a 'vacation from myself.' 
In these modern times, it is considered a highly illegal drug and in some states, the criminal charges are very steep.  Also, trying to find real MDMA vs. fake or watered down MDMA would be difficult since it's a 'street drug.' Other risks are unfortunately buying it from an undercover cop or a criminal who's going to mug/rip you off.  Plus, you have to consider the risk factors of taking an unfamiliar substance that might not work in your system or conflict with other medications. 
It is a shame that MDMA isn't prescribed like it once had been for marriage counseling.  It does have immense medical benefits if used and controlled in the right manner.  Oh, and don't even think about functioning the 'day after.' Because you WILL be up all night long on it, it's too intense a stimulant/hallucinogenic properties to sleep.  You will sort of sit around and talk...talk...talk with a couple of trusted friends or partner.  We had also prepared food, drink, etc beforehand.  You are WAY TOO HIGH to play with fire or monitor cooking...it greatly distorts time/space.  It is an extremely interactive social drug; avoid the urge to drive or mingle with strangers.  I'd hide keys if I were you!  Listening to music with friends and eating good healthy, yummy foods is really cool.  If you can rent a wilderness cabin or a remote cabin/condo with a Jacuzzi/pool....and nobody around for miles, -PERFECT. Then everyone can hoot, hollar, get nekked, be unhinged, and do it safely.  MDMA will make your body feel 'hot'...its speeding up your system and stressing it out, so clothes kinda-sorta don't stay on. 

Celexa: What dosages, how often do you take it, side effects...good & bad, how long does it take to work?  Can you function well on it, how has it improved your symptoms, etc? 
-I'm brand new to understanding all of this.  I don't have a history of taking or being prescribed medications.  The gabapentin was prescribed for T-N last November 2013.  It's 'accidentally' helping take some of the intensity off of CPTSD symptoms, but it's not wholly preventing panic attacks, social anxiety, etc.

If you've ever watched the news and seen major disasters in the USA...Hurricane Sandy, Katrina, floods, etc...90% of all personnel are volunteers (Red Cross, Salvation Army, Southern Baptist folks) or quasi (hourly paid, no benefits) volunteers (contractors and FEMA personnel, some wildland fire crews, plus other on call entities).  So, there's hundreds of thousands of disaster responder personnel who have no access to counseling from the orgs/agencies they deploy under. 
Case history: one seasonal federal firefighter I know had been good friends with the Granite Mountain Hotshots who died last year in Arizona. He's a seasonal firefighter like most are, and they have no benefits.  So, I watch him...and others like him...struggle daily.

Kizzie said: "Hey Ghost - the bottom line is somehow you have to take steps to reduce the stress in at least one area of your life, and as you say coming to this forum may help you learn more about CPTSD from past abuse and how to deal with it.  It's a step in the right direction and I hope it helps being here.
Does your work in Disaster Response entail working with one organization?  I would think perhaps the org have processes in place for helping responders to decompress and possibly get counselling when they are having difficulties."

Unless you are a full time employee with full benefits (or benefits at all), there are NO support mechanisms. No, I have worked for several disaster response orgs/agencies; none have support for those who volunteer or are hired only on a response basis (i.e. on call, no benefits, retirement, insurance).  The mass majority of people who respond to and help with disasters are NOT covered by any insurance, most are volunteers, contractors and on call personnel.  It's a very small majority who are active field disaster personnel who enjoy real benefits.
When I did a lot of online research that might be related to disaster response, all I found was PTSD support groups for combat vets, law enforcement and fire.  If I was a full time employee with the American Red Cross, Salvation Army or other disaster responder orgs, then you would have access to their mental health counseling.  Also, individual orgs only help their own personnel, they don't help others out except on active disasters.  In so called 'peace-time' there is nothing available, so you have to suck it up on your own. 

I have yet to get counseling and the right meds to help me fight off the CPTSD demons.  I'm currently on Gabapentin for Trigeminal Neuralgia, which has been helping to stave off 'some' of my CPTSD symptoms, but certainly doesn't prevent panic attacks and other CPTSD issues leaking through and causing havoc.
With that being said, what medications have any of you used which helps 'cap' off and block panic attacks and other CPTSD symptoms? Plus help with stabilizing emotions, highs/lows, etc?
Thanks for sharing your experiences, suggestions and recommendations.  I am brand 'new' to understanding how to identify, treat and attempt to get control over what I am struggling with alone. 

As I've shared before about my commonalities with combat vets who really suffer from PTSD effects...they also 'head for the hills' to get relief.  For them and 'noise'...well, their prior reaction to dealing with irritating subject matter, -is met by highly violent action.  So, they REALLY have to quarantine themselves to wilderness and/or quiet, rural settings where they feel comfortable 'defending' themselves. 
I agree with your terminology of 'auditory resiliency.' I just avoid human caused noises with a vengeance by either tuning them out (headphones & music) or tailoring my activities to steer clear of having to be bombarded by unwanted sound sources.

Rain, thanks for the feedback.  This CPTD occurring has been going on for 45 years.  It's not so much as a 'lot coming up right now'...this has CONSTANTLY been going on as long as I have been alive.  Been dragging this dark stuff around 24/7.  Since I don't discuss this with anyone except 3 close friends who are far worse off than myself...but trying to at least see (by writing on these forums) if others are suffering the same issues.