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Thanks Dutch Uncle. I'm a bit embarrassed re-reading over my first post. It was a bit of a gut spill!
I wasn't looking for sympathy; if there's one thing I've learned so far, it's that it could easily have been much worse. I do very much appreciate your kind words though!.

Hi all,

I've been part of another online forum which has helped me feel less alone but it isn't as specific as this forum and I can never get fully personal there.
The few threads I've read in this fog had me in tears of recognition.

So, a little bit about me:
- Was sexually abused from ? to 12 years of age my my NPD father. He hasn't been officially diagnosed by I am convinced.
- My mother sacrificed her happiness for us all to get along. She was as afraid of dad as my brothers and I were.
- I just assumed I was a wierdo until I saw a professional a few years ago when peering over the edge of suicide contemplation. It had never once occurred to me that my upbringing had so thoroughly damaged me - I hadn't a clue that these things were linked to the extent that they are/were.
- Did lots and lots of reading and recognised EVERYTHING. Such relief that who I seemed to be was a healthy response to an unhealthy situation and not that I was simply a weirdo.
- Discussed with mum. She claims to not know what to think but her actions tells me she believes dad's denial.
- Discussed with dad - total, utter denial. He and mum are still together. I am out, the crazy, lying black sheep. Fortunately my brothers believe me but they are more willing to accept the hypocrisy and see mum and dad regularly, or perhaps they are still afraid and haven't been pushed to the edge in the same way as me. One of my brothers is screwed up in exactly the same way as I am, though he says he was never sexually abused. We were definitely all emotionally abused.
- I know my issues aren't sorted yet as I have problems with working too much, eating excessively when stressed (which is basically daily) and just general trouble holding my life together.
- My parents are so screwed up because they are part of a family legacy that is passed from generation to generation. They never had the resources that are available to me and still I am unable to figure out how to escape. I don't think they stood a chance.
- I am nearly 40 and want children but am afraid to have them before my issues are sorted out, lest I be part of creating this pain in a new generation.
- Time is short and my partner is very keen for kids. I pretend I don't care but I do. I want children but am frightened as I can barely look after myself and the last thing I want to do is pass this on to the next generation.