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Hi Cuthberta

I can relate to holding on to or wanting to feel like or be 'normal'

I had a therapist explain it this way....depending on what your experiences were that traumatized you, maybe it is 'normal' to have the feelings and reactions which you have from being traumatized.  You just didn't have anyone normal around to help you at the time.  You did the best you could with what you had.

Perhaps we just grew up and or around others who can't cope with anything from others except 'normal' or pretending or 'acting' normal

I was expected to pretend  or 'act like' I was/we were a 'normal' family growing up by my abuser mother.  It's hard to know how to act like oneself when one never was allowed to be oneself or accepted or reflected as OKAY

maybe this is not entirely what you meant

I am only learning to accept myself and to love myself without labels and negatives...like yeah but she is a mental case you know, not "normal".  I think it is normal to have a reaction to trauma and chronic trauma.  Maybe it's not "NORMAL" to think it should not effect folks or that one can just 'get over it'

I wish you a big hug 

Hi,

I definitely have C-PTSD although not an 'official' diagnosis.  I have completely isolated myself and know that I need to connect with others so I am looking for a place I can 'belong'.

History: adult daughter of a malignant narcissistic personality disordered mother who had at minimum post partum depression after I was born (she only admitted to that possibility on her deathbed but there was nothing near to anything called closure for me or expression of regret or love from her).

So I have had a lot of counseling.  I did the best I could to forged a life for myself and limit my exposure to mother and the family (she controlled the whole family in a horrible web of inter-conflict and mistrust and false accusations etc)  Enough said.  I only survived.  I wish I could say that I thrived.  I thought upon her death I would feel free of the constant turmoil and conflict swirling in the 'family'.

I did expect there would be a 'zinger' from her upon her death so I can't say I was not 'prepared' but how really can one prepare for someone who takes delight in hurting another person.

Going to her deathbed is what brought on the full blown PTSD like symptoms I am currently experiencing.  Not like I did not have 'issues' much earlier in my life, ANXIETY, panic attacks, basically another batch with any minor contact with the mother and even my siblings - they were perfect imitators of their role model.  I have been in counseling on and off most of my adult life.  It does help.  And it will help again.

One remaining issue I struggle with is trusting anyone.  Currently I can't sleep because of the dreams...reliving rejection and physical and mental abuse. 

I have two German Shepherd Dogs who love me unconditionally.  My best and only friends are my dogs.

Enough said. 

Thanks for listening.