Messages

Thank you Blueberry. I have seasons that are more triggering than others. I am currently in a constant dissociated and depressed time. I see my therapist next week which I am glad of.

It's been over 2 years since I posted this. I'm in therapy and medication to help with the depression and anxiety and I have processed memories as they have come. I'm not drowning anymore but I am still struggling. My present day daily life trigger me all the time. I had really hoped to be some much better so I could be a better wife and mom.

I have remembered the abuse (and still remembering): mental, physical, emotional, sexual, and neglect.  I have lived my life to excel despite it.  I am not excelling. I am drowning. I don't know how accept what I remember. I don't know how to be me. To really give myself self-care. I really don't know how to keep going other than the hours keep pulling me to the next thing to do before I can escape in sleep.

  I try to not make mistakes because my dh will have his own meltdown with side jabs toward my failure. As he went off this time I knew I was numbing out to not feel it. He is over it in 24 hours and apologizes but days later I am more depressed because I can't fix the money mistake I made just like that.  I am wondering if I have trauma from the dh over these years of marriage that I need to process. I have remembered and processed childhood abuse but Still  in the process. I am never going to stop hurting.