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Thanks Three Roses and Patticake and Sharp and Blunt for your encouragement.  I look forward to reading some books.

And just an FYI.  The only thing that has kept me alive was my belief in God, and those of you who either have had bad experiences such that you are going to talk about how you hate "fundamentalism" or whatever you want to call it, it's ok by me if you keep it YOUR experience, but if you hate that I believe it or want to make fun of what I believe, this will not work for me.

I self diagnosed and I'm pretty sure.  Still confused about a lot, but the symptoms listed are a perfect fit.  Wasted my whole life trying to treat depression unsuccessfully.  Just learned to cope daily and survive instead of live.  Allowed people to under value me.  Wasted my life or it certainly feels like it as I've accomplished nothing except hold on.  Totally frustrated and ready to throw in the towel.  Can I treat myself with books?  As finding a person capable of treating cptsd is probably like winning the lottery.  To say that I'm extremely frustrated is a gross understatement.  And really?  Those verification letters below are like Chinese.  This will take me several tries.