Hello to all,
I've never tried to do anything like this before, but I hope it will help me avoid drowning in the PTSD fog again.
I've recently learned about CPTSD. After 63 years, it's nice to finally know what's wrong with me. Most of my childhood memories are suppressed, a void of nothingness. My mother was narcissistic. I was the family scapegoat. I was always treated as a stupid, inferior human, and everything that went wrong was my fault. I was mentally/emotionally abused. My mother passed away in 2018, and I am finally free!
I think what triggers my extreme symptoms is loss.
First event: 8 years old. My father had abandoned the family. I come home from school and find my things have been given away, the house sold, and I'm leaving my mother (and ill but perfect sister) to live with an aunt/uncle. I have my first meltdown.
Second event; I'm 12 years old. My beloved grandmother has died. She was my only escape from ongoing abuse. I would go into her room and help her quilt, and while I was there she would not let others hurt me. Without her, I lost my sanctuary. I became suicidal.
I'm leaving out a lot.
Recent event, 2012. My beloved cat disappears. I think my mother poisoned her and/or shot her. I sink into a PTSD fog that lasts until 2018. This event was worst than the others, lasted longer, hit harder, was harder to get out of. It was frightening. Although I am no longer suicidal, I am apathetic toward life. It is as if all love stopped. All reason to live stopped.
Now: My neighbor, with no warning or reason, shot and killed my replacement cat. I got her in 2013, trying to get out of the fog above. This new, senseless act has me teetering again.
I find I'm very frightened that I will forget my beloved fur-babies. I don't want to forget them! It's as if I let go of reliving them in the present they will disappear in my memory too.
Many think this is stupid--grieving over a cat. But losing them to these heinous acts is more than I can handle. I feel guilty that I didn't somehow prevent what happened or somehow save them. Nobody understands what I'm going through. I feel very alone.
I've never tried to do anything like this before, but I hope it will help me avoid drowning in the PTSD fog again.
I've recently learned about CPTSD. After 63 years, it's nice to finally know what's wrong with me. Most of my childhood memories are suppressed, a void of nothingness. My mother was narcissistic. I was the family scapegoat. I was always treated as a stupid, inferior human, and everything that went wrong was my fault. I was mentally/emotionally abused. My mother passed away in 2018, and I am finally free!
I think what triggers my extreme symptoms is loss.
First event: 8 years old. My father had abandoned the family. I come home from school and find my things have been given away, the house sold, and I'm leaving my mother (and ill but perfect sister) to live with an aunt/uncle. I have my first meltdown.
Second event; I'm 12 years old. My beloved grandmother has died. She was my only escape from ongoing abuse. I would go into her room and help her quilt, and while I was there she would not let others hurt me. Without her, I lost my sanctuary. I became suicidal.
I'm leaving out a lot.
Recent event, 2012. My beloved cat disappears. I think my mother poisoned her and/or shot her. I sink into a PTSD fog that lasts until 2018. This event was worst than the others, lasted longer, hit harder, was harder to get out of. It was frightening. Although I am no longer suicidal, I am apathetic toward life. It is as if all love stopped. All reason to live stopped.
Now: My neighbor, with no warning or reason, shot and killed my replacement cat. I got her in 2013, trying to get out of the fog above. This new, senseless act has me teetering again.
I find I'm very frightened that I will forget my beloved fur-babies. I don't want to forget them! It's as if I let go of reliving them in the present they will disappear in my memory too.
Many think this is stupid--grieving over a cat. But losing them to these heinous acts is more than I can handle. I feel guilty that I didn't somehow prevent what happened or somehow save them. Nobody understands what I'm going through. I feel very alone.