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Hey there.
I'm new too.

I can relate to this. It is hard for me, because I try to look for the rational, the reasonable. And without any memory I doubt. But it's like looking at fossils. Inside a rock you can find the impression of leaves, animals, tracks. The actual plant, the animal that lived or traveled in that primordial mud is long gone. But there is an impression of it left. A trace of its existence. A fact.

I can't deny that I have CPTSD, because I can line up all the symptoms, all the problems, all the losses and deficits and tick them off like a list. But without any memory of that earliest abuse/neglect I think could it really have happened? But the shadow impressions are there in the rock. Indelible, immutable and unarguable.

I wish I had the memories. Because then I would have something I could fight.

No. Never.
Once I asked my F - his response - Things worked out for me so what was I complaining about. It wasn't just a denial of my problems, or of his part in them, he seemed not only unrepentant, but unconcerned. It crushed me.
He's dead now. So no further movement on that front.
My brother and mother are still alive. At the moment I am not speaking to either.
I don't think either of them will understand. My mother labels me as 'fragile' - making my problems a result of my inability to cope. She refuses to even entertain the idea that my problems arise out of a very sick family dynamic. So...
I wait. Until I am capable of allowing her back into my life with new boundaries, being able to defend myself. My brother? I will make no effort to reconnect with him.

My ACE score is 5.
When I first found, was introduced, to the ACE scoring program I was stunned at my score. I had always thought my 'childhood' was 'normal'. I often referred to it as 'growing up in a 50s sit com.'
Since then I've realized how sterile and impersonal a 50s sit com is. How superficial. And the analogy rings even truer.
Thank you for the perspective. It helps.

I am.

Not at my best at the moment. I was thinking I would breeze in here. But suddenly all the anxiety is piling on.

I can't tell you all how important finding this site is to me.

I'm 50+ and I have struggled with depression, anxiety, learned helplessness, and emotional flashbacks for more than 35 years. I first sought help when I was 20, after years of depression, cutting and suicidal ideation.
I needed an answer to 'Why?'
- Why was I so broken?
- Why was I so lonely?
- Why was I lost?
- Why did it seem that happiness was beyond me?

And so many more questions.  I have looked for 35+ years. It was only in 2017 that I was diagnosed with CPTSD. I finally had the 'why'.  And now there seems to be grief added to the mix. Anger, the only emotion I can seem to access, comes quickly at the thought that I have 'missed my life'.  When I look back over my life and I see the pattern of CPTSD written in every fiber I feel robbed. It was all stolen away my youth, my dreams.
It still hurts. I get lost in the grief some days.

Still, I'm trying; to learn, to live, to take off these chains.  And, as always, some days are better than others.
On just practical stuff... I write. Trying to get published. I make memes for the internet about mental health. I try to bring CPTSD into the light. Because no one should spend their life looking for the answer.

Maricelt