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Amy, Welcome to OOTS

Every feeling you have is legitimate. The love you feel for your feline friends is real and valid. The grief you feel is valid and real. Our furry friends are sometimes our only true friends and family.

I also had a life time of narcissist abuse (covert) from a family member (sisters)  it took me till I was 52 years old to be free and have NC with them

Without my ponies I would be a complete mess, they are the reason I get up every day.

Go to a rescue place and volunteer some time with the animals is my suggestion.

Take care and be strong.

Your journey is your own, no one will deny it here
Go at your own pace

Yes, what is the appropriate response?  I am still learning.

Welcome

Hi Kage, I am new too. yes I understand the mistrust, if some one is kind to me, I literally ball my eyes out and don't know how to respond.

Find your own time to tell your story. Read all the other intro stories, I found that helped me connect

Peace.

Welcome DandelionCrown


I too have only joined and told my story and found real support and hope from the people here and their stories.

I understand how you can want and not want help and support at the same time, I don't even know how to accept help and when some one does something kind for me without reward I cry as I do not know how to respond to the kindness.

Stay strong.

Thanks woodsgnome, and I started reading that book, thankfully I have a day off work, it made me cry heaps, in grieve, in recognition. No way I could work today, I feel exhausted but in a positive way

All of you. OMG how all your stories resonate with me. I find this sad as well.

I am only at the beginning of my journey to healing as a 53 year old realising I have been the scapegoat to Narcissistic older sisters created by a violent chaotic childhood of two very damaged individuals.

decades of gaslighting and the emotional and physical abuse as a child left me feeling like I could never be healed, but even though it is an emotional roller coaster just learning about all these concepts I feel hope of recovery like I never have before.

Stay strong

Three Roses, so so glad you did not delete your post, it resonated with me alot.

I too grew up in a violent chaotic household with parents who had crappy childhoods and mental illness. It turned my sibings into narcissists and I was the scapegoat.

My dad is now dead but my mother has no awareness or interest of anything but herself. She suffered Post Natal depression while I was growing up. I don't think she will ever talk to me about it.

But I have been able today have a chat with my daughter about her own chaotic childhood, it wasn't much but a start and it was healing for me.

I am 53 and only starting to deal with a life time of gaslighting I wasn't even aware of properly. I am determined to heal though.

Thankyou

Elphanigh : I hope your visit was positive

I am only new here but just being able to do random posts when I feeling emotional really helps me. I feel very drained at the moment and crying alot. Knowing I am not alone in this journey helps. As human beings we need to express ourselves.


I feel at times it will never get better, but the fact you are seeing a therapist and posting on here means that even if you don't feel it, it is moving forward, it may just be a slight shuffle forward but it is still forward.

It has been an emotional day for me, lucky it is my day off from work. I still have tears randomly pouring out.
I saw a psychologist and talked about my abuse for the first time with a person face to face.
I started reading a book recommended by woodsgnome, thank you very much even though it made me cry.

Anyway my daughter rang, she had been diagnosed with Adjustment disorder and anxiety. I didn't talk in too much depth with her but did say that I recognised that her childhood has been chaotic due to my mental health issues and that when she spoke to her psychologist that she needed to be open about her childhood and that if she needed to confront me about some things then I would be there for that and not deny her experience.

She told me it was mostly related to her time in the army (still in army) and she did agree that it was pretty crazy at times but that she always understood that it was not about her and that she was loved.

She admitted she had not explored fully the possibility of the effect her childhood had on her but she was glad I said this to her.

I told her about my day and that I was emotional she was very good about it all. I did tell her that one day I would talk to her about what happened to me so she could understand better.

Bloody * this is going to be a * of a roller coaster ride.

My sister who is my covert narcissist helped me a few times over the years as well amongst to emotional abuse.

but looking back, it came at a price and it usually was something that cost her nothing or little and she was sort of saving the day to look like the saviour, the wise one, the smart one, etc

And yet.... I still try to make excuses of the bad stuff to myself at times. It is early days in my quest for peace from CPTSD so I am trying to be kind and real to myself.

Thanks everyone for your kind words, I am looking up that book now woodsgnome.

I saw a  psychologist today via my work who funds 3 visits a year for their employees and hoping I can see her via the mental health program as well. It helped to speak to someone who validated my efforts to understand what has happened to me and that I am not imagining it.

In every problem I have, in every thing I do, work, hobbies etc, I am an information junkie and a student and learner at hear.  I seek to understand everything about what ever it is I do. 

This issue is no different.

The more I understand at this point of what and why have gone through this in particular, the more traumatised I feel abit because I at times feel a little silly for falling for it and distressed that family are the perpetrators and should have been there to love me not hurt me.  I am sure there are so many stages of understanding etc that we go through in the healing process so I am handling it so to speak.

Onwards and upwards !!!!!

Hi I am only new here, I have pretty much spent a life time ( I am 53) of being gaslighted by a covert narc sister and only realised this last year. I really just had no idea as I have another sister who was more overt narc and I thought most of my issues stemmed from her physical and emotional abuse as a child.. 

My eldest sister (no.1) bullied me, physically and emotionally, doing so many cruel and horrible things that literally have me on the floor in a ball crying still at the thought of many of those things. My dad did shift work and my mum lay in bed or was absent so she was able to do plenty as we lacked supervision. My mother I think, looking back likely suffered post natal depression and my father was an angry physically abusive man with his own issues and me and my 2 older siblings had to survive that situation as we could.

Just a couple of things sister no.1 did, when I was about 10, she stripped me naked and put me on our large front verandah that was on the upper level of the house, while it was pouring rain and left me out there for hours. She would constantly say to me that I was ugly and that no one would ever love me. This went on till she left home at 16 and on and off till about 8 years ago when I cut contact. She lives pretty far away so it wasn't hard to break contact.

So 18 months ago, sister no.2 accidentally revealed herself as a covert narc and then of course played the victim and said she was not going to talk to me until I apologised for bullying her. Slowly I have been trying to make sense of the argument on how I was the bully in our relationship,  have since learned about different types of narcissism and how people become them.


I thought my other sister, no.2 (I am daughter no.3 and we are all 1 year apart) was on my side but looking back she part take quietly in these episodes, tried to make me contact my other sister and dismissed her actons growing up, she rarely showed emotions good or bad and as we grew older I made to believe that because she was not emotional that she was the smart one, the one with it all together etc but then of course she would always point out my flaws, like being emotional and over reactive, she even had a name for it "chucking a lisa".  Funny how I only ever chucked that when I was around family.

When I was 20 I had an accident and become an partial paraplegic through spinal injury, it was actually while I was helping Narc 2. It took me 2 years to walk unaided. She has never acknowledged my disability and made out that it was actually my imagination and that if I really tried I could over come it. I had a 1 year old daughter at the time and so as a disabled single mum I lived under the poverty line for years and life was a struggle, even when I worked.

We all lived far away from each other all moving away from our original home city but I would visit often to sister no.2 My daughter went overseas as an exchange student for 12 months and then went to live with sister no.2 in the country and continue to school away from bad influences.  I would visit most weekends in those 3 years. Looking back I remember always feeling like crap after visiting.

If we were walking, she would never slow down for me to keep up and once said walking slow hurts her and I was being selfish to ask.
Never did she congratulate me.
Never did she acknowledge anything I achieved
She said if she was disabled that she would already be in the disabled olympics.
Always dismissed anything I said or idea as stupid, even if it was in my field of expertise or experience that she did not have
Anything I did in front of her, apparently I did badly and she would say so how bad I was at it, you know, being constructive and all because she cared..

are just some of thing various themes she had going.

Oh every once in a while she would "help" or "save" me. If it cost her nothing or little.

of course over the years anytime she had an injury or was sick, well well no one can imagine the pain etc she is in, how bad it is to not be able to do the things she usually does and has to get her husband to do it all. But would never let me talk about my own physical difficulties.

Just prior to our big argument which become NC I asked her why she never gave me positive encouragement or congratulate me she said that likely I would stop trying if she did so. I didn't ask why she used that principle with her own kids or friends. I didn't say much but I think she could see me think on this, we were on a big road trip so had a few hours in the car after that and that conversation halted there. but I think she realised I was starting to be on to her ways. I had been slowly healing over the years so I was on the edge of this revelation.

It was later back at her house, she lives about 5 hours drive from me, she started accusing me of bullying her etc because I was talking about gardening and suggested pruning a few plants and overed to help with other immediate things needing doing. Anyway I lost my *, I packed up my car and left and haven't spoken to her since.

Early on I tried to figure out what I said that could be considered bullying, I desperately wanted
to apologise but no matter how it went on in my head I couldn't see what she was saying. That led me to finding out about narcissists, gaslighting etc.

Even though I can see all the above etc, my understanding of how this all came about, I still struggle to come to terms with the fact that these people who I should have been able to trust did this to me.

I was doing NLP for a time but used up my savings before I really made any headway, I would continue it if I could afford it as it helped me enormously but for now I will see my doctor next week to organise government funding mental health care. I live in Australia and I can get 8 free visits a year with a Psychologist. I am going to be fixed.