Messages

Hey guys, new member here. I would like to share with you a brief description of an experience I had last night. You could say that I was startled and shocked by how harshly I
judged myself towards the end of the evening. I feel like I've been making good progress in my life, flashbacks and inner criticism has been at relativelty low levels.


I had been sitting around at home for most of the day, leaving my home only to take a refreshing walk. I played some guitar and studied different things relating to my difficulties in life.(Be it affirmations, NLP, advice on narcissism or what have you) I can say that for the first time in a long time, I can actually spend prolonged periods of time by myself without feeling extremely anxious and sad. As I study, and do things that I consider to be in my own best interest, taking care of myself and so on, I typically have a lot of ideas coming into my head. Most ideas seem to be of super quality when they spring to mind, don't they? I had this idea that I should observe myself the coming evening, not speak without some reflection and try to notice what I do(I sometimes suspect that I'm very self-absorbed and I have a tendency to take over conversations, something I in turn feel very guilty about).


What ended up happening is that I had a glass of whiskey, watched a movie, played some guitar, talked to my familty and had a good time. I completely forgot about my idea.
Now I don't think this is a big deal but it spiralled my mood down into a very dark and punishing place as I went home. My normally so hesitant and vigilant outlook were completely gone. I felt completely fearless and ready, ready for something - anything. My thoughts turned both inwards and out into the world at that time. I have enough awareness of this pattern so I didn't get completely lost in the turmoil, but I still find it bewildering that it arose in this situation, I can't quite grasp the roots of it.



Could it be that the idea I got in a flash earlier that eventing were more like a command in its nature? I didn't seem to ponder the idea at all, I just sort of accepted it instantly and then basically forgot about, only getting sternly reminded once the night was over. I felt completely failed, why did I not accept this idea that seemed to perfectly reasonable and good? How could I forsake it? Did the inner taskmaster order me to observe myself that evening only to lash me later when I failed? I didn't even know that it was a command. But now I kind of view it as such. Does that seem familar to anyone? It came in as an idea, optional and good-natured but it was really not that. As I am typing this out, I can still feel the lash from last night. 'Your language is crap', 'You come across as cold and selfish' and so on. Hope this makes sense.

Add: Perhaps one avenue to explore is when the idea comes in, one needs to care for it as the important entity that it is. Carefully acknowledge it or carefully dismiss it. This sounds so obvious but it feels a bit like a revelation to me.


cheers /FoH

Thank you all for the kind words and encouragement  I am happy to report that I have been making good progress as of late. I wish you all a happy new year in the spirit of good health in moving forward through 2019.

Sorry about not following the guidelines in my first post.. CPTSD is a foreign concept where I live. I believe CPTSD could very well be what I have. So much of it fits and nothing else really makes much sense. I have debilitating panic issues as well. I don't mean to intrude, all I can say is that CPTSD is the only lense I have found to view my own issues through that did any real good.

Hello all, I'm very happy to be here. I am a man, 33 years of age and I've struggled my whole life with a aching feeling in my stomach that something is not right. I waited for a long time before finally contacting a professional, this was about ten years ago. My therapist at that time were focused on psychodynamic therapy, she told me I had a strong superego. I had no idea what that meant at the time.

After a few sessions I got a new therapist with focus on cbt, and that's what I've encountered since then. I've been diagnosed as type 1 bipolar and medications have proven succesfull (lithium). Yet my issues from childhood, the nervousness, the feeling of isolation and loneliness has never left me, it seems to live it's life outside of the bipolar realm. Two years ago I came in contact with a person that fits the description of a narcissistic personality type (not disorder necessarily). This person really shook my world with an eerie ability to say things that would change my mood in an instant. I've had to go home from work over comments that were so harmful to me personally that I would enter complete breakdown mode.

I've been able, through the help of online coaching and therapy to recognize my emotions better, and I can now see how absolutely insane my mood swings can be. Separation is particularly difficult for me, leaving work for the holidays or just wrapping up a nice evening among friends can make me see only black. Particularly when alcohol is involved I fear what might happen. I'm not a habitual drinker by any stretch of the imagination but sometimes social gatherings happen and I will have a few. Last time I did that, when time came to call it a night, I became exceedingly distressed and dark minded. Rage and despair took over. I would wake up the next day and be fine basically, but these rapid shifts in mood keep on happening. Sometimes for a somewhat obvious reason, oftentimes completely obscure.

One of my first memories from childhood is that of a leaking radiator in our house. I must have been three or four. The few drops of water on the floor seemed so utterly catastrophic that I was convinced death was coming. And here I am today, seeking help that I don't really know right now to ask for from the people close to me.

Hope this was not too long and rambly. Cheers from Sweden