Hello, I'm new here..
I'm suffering from cptsd.
been trough several traumatic events during my life, some are long episodes ones..
I don't wanna get too specific at the moment, but it was sexual and violence types of traumas.
(sorry for my English, I know it's not that perfect, but I'm doing my best..)
I'm 28 years old, met my boyfriend (35 years old) about 18 months ago.
we're living together at his place, since not too long after we became officially a couple.
my mental condition slowly slowly effected a lot on our relationship..
I started been extremely demanding and added lots of unwritten "rules" as for what he can or can not do..
things that triggered me and cause me to be angry, anxious or sad..
(anything involved women like articles online with photos in it, or books with sexual descriptions in it.. etc.
not to mention he can't even move his head to wherever there's a woman when we're out on the street..
he even had to stop some of his connections with his long term female friends)
most or all of our fights are always about how my condition effects him
he told me a lot how he feels like in a cage, with no place to run for a shelter..
he works from home, and I'm now working due to my mental condition, so he has to deal with me a lot of his time
I'm trying to give him much as space as i can, but nothing seem to be enough..
I tried to let him do stuff and be okay with that, but I just can't.. it hurts too much
so at first I didn't say anything and suffered alone so he won't see
until I told him, and asked again for him to stop.
I must say, he's amazing understanding and carrying partner
doing his best to keep me knowing that he loves me, even when I can't accept the possibility..
but even tho, he's human.. and I understand his pain by living with me
lots of times, like now, I feel like I'm too heavy for him to carry..
I feel like I made his life be terrible, and got nothing good to our relationship.
I'm about to start a new treatment those days, CBT and EMDR (I will try both and see which is better for me to continue with)
but I feel afraid, that trying this won't matter
and maybe even get things worse, when all my biggest fears and traumas will be out on the table, instead of deep inside me.
* right now I'm on meds only.
sometimes I feel like he will be better off without me
but I know for sure, it won't be possible for me to get back to the scared little girl that couldn't even breath, which I was before I've met him..
afraid of what I would do to myself if i'll let myself lose him.
I love him so much, and sometimes we're so close together that I feel like we're one..
I love those times, when I'm kind of okay, and we're handling things good enough
when we can love unconditionally, and be loved with no fear.
I forgot to mention how much he improved me as a person since we met
I've done lots of things that I couldn't have seen as possible before
got over lots of my fears, and became much more confident, more happy person
but yet..
I don't know if I can keep hurt the person I love and care for the most
even if it's not my fault, even if it's the cptsd that behind this
I'm not sure he need to suffer from the traumas that I have been trough..
I want the best for him, and I can't see myself in such a picture, even if he tells me (and himself) that he can..
any comments will be much appreciated..
and sorry for the long post.
I'm suffering from cptsd.
been trough several traumatic events during my life, some are long episodes ones..
I don't wanna get too specific at the moment, but it was sexual and violence types of traumas.
(sorry for my English, I know it's not that perfect, but I'm doing my best..)
I'm 28 years old, met my boyfriend (35 years old) about 18 months ago.
we're living together at his place, since not too long after we became officially a couple.
my mental condition slowly slowly effected a lot on our relationship..
I started been extremely demanding and added lots of unwritten "rules" as for what he can or can not do..
things that triggered me and cause me to be angry, anxious or sad..
(anything involved women like articles online with photos in it, or books with sexual descriptions in it.. etc.
not to mention he can't even move his head to wherever there's a woman when we're out on the street..
he even had to stop some of his connections with his long term female friends)
most or all of our fights are always about how my condition effects him
he told me a lot how he feels like in a cage, with no place to run for a shelter..
he works from home, and I'm now working due to my mental condition, so he has to deal with me a lot of his time
I'm trying to give him much as space as i can, but nothing seem to be enough..
I tried to let him do stuff and be okay with that, but I just can't.. it hurts too much
so at first I didn't say anything and suffered alone so he won't see
until I told him, and asked again for him to stop.
I must say, he's amazing understanding and carrying partner
doing his best to keep me knowing that he loves me, even when I can't accept the possibility..
but even tho, he's human.. and I understand his pain by living with me
lots of times, like now, I feel like I'm too heavy for him to carry..
I feel like I made his life be terrible, and got nothing good to our relationship.
I'm about to start a new treatment those days, CBT and EMDR (I will try both and see which is better for me to continue with)
but I feel afraid, that trying this won't matter
and maybe even get things worse, when all my biggest fears and traumas will be out on the table, instead of deep inside me.
* right now I'm on meds only.
sometimes I feel like he will be better off without me
but I know for sure, it won't be possible for me to get back to the scared little girl that couldn't even breath, which I was before I've met him..
afraid of what I would do to myself if i'll let myself lose him.
I love him so much, and sometimes we're so close together that I feel like we're one..
I love those times, when I'm kind of okay, and we're handling things good enough
when we can love unconditionally, and be loved with no fear.
I forgot to mention how much he improved me as a person since we met
I've done lots of things that I couldn't have seen as possible before
got over lots of my fears, and became much more confident, more happy person
but yet..
I don't know if I can keep hurt the person I love and care for the most
even if it's not my fault, even if it's the cptsd that behind this
I'm not sure he need to suffer from the traumas that I have been trough..
I want the best for him, and I can't see myself in such a picture, even if he tells me (and himself) that he can..
any comments will be much appreciated..
and sorry for the long post.