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Rain,
I'm really glad my post seemed clear to you. Sometimes I think I write in a roundabout way.
The reason I went to EMDR in the first place was because of this website. So thank everyone for that. When I read about it, I went and asked my psychologist if it was possible that CPTSD was causing my current problems of getting past memories when there is some current problem with anyone. I have been in a pattern over the last 5 years (and really... all my life) of something happening that upsets me currently, but then the whole past was coming up and all these memories and negative thought patterns, repeatedly and causing depression. The whole ball of wax. Every time. Unrelated. And then depression. So he said they had EMDR therapists there and I made my first appointment.

I have not ever directly talked to the EMDR therapist about CPTSD per se, but my psychologist talked to her before my appointment and filled her in and I had brought CPTSD up to him. At my first appointment, we discussed all the childhood crap, including ss abuse, and resulting PTSD symptoms I had at age 5 or 6, and also basically all the various types of abuse going on in my family. She thinks maybe something happened before that with my mother that I don't remember or that the abuse is the reason why I experienced PTSD symptoms in high school, college, as a young married woman, etc., however many times it has occurred during different traumatic events. (That sounds kind of sad right there, but this has been my life.)

I told her I don't want to spend the rest of my life in this trap of circular recurrent B.S. depression that I couldn't ever get rid of, no matter how much therapy or meds I've had in the last 35 years. I have had good months, good years, but never for any extended period of time - like more than 3 years at a time. She said I shouldn't have to spend one more WEEK with this problem and has given me hope. I've gained a lot of confidence in the last 15 or so years, even with more ridiculous B.S. going on with my foo, but this therapy seems to have opened some gate or rearranged things for me.

As for the triggering, that is just me right now, not necessarily other peoples' posts. I am triggered by a lot of things and have accepted it now that I am probably a Highly Sensitive Person. (I am still offended by the name of this and it's not something I'm going to ever go around telling people, because they'll just say, "See, I told you you're too sensitive" as if there's no reason for it) I am very impressionable when it comes to movies, books, noise, etc. I read a description of it online and every physical symptom they listed, I have. I'm pretty sure I'm not 'cured' of CPTSD yet and need more EMDR sessions and will probably will continue therapy in general for a while longer. I'm just saying that in November there was some noteworthy movement in my brain or a shift where I can say, Yes, EMDR has helped.

I wish one of the many therapists I've had would have recognized what was going on with me and I also went years and years without real treatment for PTSD, let alone CPTSD. In fact I was crushed to learn that EMDR was started in 1990. That's 24 years, folks! The only reason I got some attention about PTSD in the 80's was because of Desert Storm vets having it, but the psychiatrist then did not really treat me for that. I'm patting myself on the back for asking for treatment as soon as I found out about CPTSD and EMDR now- even though it is really late in the game.  And I'm glad even though I had serious doubts and almost dropped out, that I kept going and have had this recent change in things.

Hi All,

I'm updating about EMDR for CPTSD. I started in September and have had 6 sessions. The first 4 were spent on childhood stuff until I told the therapist that I wasn't really upset about that. It was helpful, though, about issues revolving around my mother. Sort of settled out some things about that. But I was more upset about the negative reactions (and, like, Punishment)I got from my family in my 30's when I expressed my feelings about childhood incidents.

We then moved on to my major problem right now, which is a sibling who probably has NPD and would like to be controlling me, argues with me about my feelings, etc. The therapist was able to make a suggestion during the EMDR that I turn my mind to a favorite place when I have thoughts about this sibling and I'm telling you, it was AUTOMATIC diversion to that place the first week, almost automatic the second week and this past week have had a little more trouble switching over to my favorite place, but I'm still able to silently say the name of the place and get some RELIEF. And I'm enjoying thinking about this place all the time now. The therapist tied this act of diversion into a particular thing I was doing in this place to handle my fear of heights so that I might enjoy the view. I am not sure I've explained it well enough, but in my brain, it makes perfect sense. Like I'm giving myself a way to feel safe, just as I did in my favorite place.

The therapist might not be the best fit for me, but I was able to tell her what I needed. The clock in her room really bothers me, so she takes it out of the room. I have two other major problems working in the fast paced way she does. 1) I have trouble responding immediately when someone asks me a question so she changed the phrase after using the wand (the EMDR part of the therapy) from "what are you noticing?" to something different and started giving me more time to answer. My regular therapist told me a lot of introverted people do this thing of taking a long time to answer a question because they are thinking of the 'right' thing to say. I don't know though, because it happens when someone asks me where the pepper is or some mundane thing.  2) I have a delayed reaction time to trauma. I go through something stone faced, then get upset about it later. (am pretty sure I was trained to do this because of the whole 'you're not allowed to cry or be upset or we will laugh at you, shame you or punish you' thing in my family and this is slowly changing to more immediate responses)

The sessions were two weeks apart and during the first 2 months I had a massive amount of good & bad childhood memories come up like snapshot pictures of whatever time or event I was remembering. I would have a session, think it wasn't really working, and then have memories pop up for two weeks after the session about things I haven't thought about for years. I felt kind of stressed out without being emotional about these memories. They were just pictures, and would have some final thought like "Oh, well I had more stress then than I thought I did, no wonder I had problems". A lot of these memories were temporary and fleeting and I haven't revisited them since.

I felt exhausted after the sessions. It always seemed like a month between them. We are taking a break in December, but I plan to go a few more times early next year. I went from being what I feel was severely depressed in August to NOT now, so I would call that a win. I checked in with my regular therapist to tell him how it was going and because I thought I might be getting stressed out before the last two EMDR sessions. We talked about recent contact with my sibling. He made a comment that seemed like I had responded to my sibling recently in a way that was more direct or positive for myself than in the past. Like maybe I was bolder than usual or cared less about sibling's response back to me, which is a move in the right direction.

The last two EMDR sessions and trying to explain it to the other therapist made me realize I have processed a lot of stuff in 3 months. I kept thinking in the beginning that it wasn't 'working' but now I think it sort of made my brain take action and start working better or differently about all these problems even though I wasn't aware of it.

One thing I think is really good with this particular EMDR therapist is that she will stop the EMDR in the middle of the session if I need to stop and then we talk. She wants to teach me tap therapy, but I don't want to, so am going to tell her no. And I still have access to the other therapist.

Sorry I haven't been hanging around or active on this website, but I was getting triggered by a lot of stuff. For me, it is better to just put these memories and problems away and move on with something that distracts me, otherwise I am continuing to burn the same negative memory tracks in my head and pretty soon it's all automatically negative again and for me that means depression.
Byways

Hi Joanna,

I was just looking and found this: Expert Answers on E.M.D.R. By THE NEW YORK TIMES  MARCH 16, 2012 3:55 PM (I don't know if we're supposed to post links here, so I just posted the title/newspaper article - you can probably just copy and paste & find it online)

I've had two appointments. I was very nervous to start both times, just because it's a new therapist. My regular T talked to the new T before my first appointment to explain a little about what's going on with me. The first appointment lasted about an hour and it was history taking and explanation of the therapy. My only homework was to think of a safe place. The next appointment was some sessions of EMDR and then some talking and more history taking. My T took notes both times.

The actual session was her waving a little wand back & forth in front of me. I was to think of one event/situation to start and my eyes were supposed to follow it the wand. Well, I got confused and thought I was supposed to stay focused on that event. After waving the wand for a couple of minutes, she would stop and say "what do you notice?" This worked well about 3 or 4 times and then I kept getting stumped about what to say to her. My mind went all over the place when it was working, lots of memories and different times of my life. Then I became kind of stumped and kind of unable to answer her.

After more of those mini sessions, we stopped and talked about the way it works and she clarified that I was supposed to let my mind go where ever it wanted - not try to keep focusing on the one event. And that the times I hesitated or stopped, I probably needed a little break. Second session lasted 1 1/2 hours.

Also important: even though I didn't quite understand how to go with the flow, and told her I hadn't read much about this type of therapy, she said it was better that I hadn't. That sometimes people get stuck on what someone else's example of EMDR sessions have been like and then expect it to go that way, and that everyone is different, everyone's brain goes where it needs to go during the sessions and there is no right way or wrong way as long as you let it happen.

T said people usually know right away whether or not it is going to work. I can't say at this point.

Maybe you want the same information I do about it and that is to hear that someone's completed EMDR therapy and that it really helped! I haven't read much of anyone's experiences with it, but I am going to continue with it unless my T tells me it's not a good idea. I have found out that insurance might not cover both types of therapy (CBT and EMDR) at the same time, but I would drop out of the CBT for a while if that happens.

Talk therapy has helped me, but not done a lot for the PTSD stuff. In fact, sometimes it makes my symptoms worse. There's never any getting better... if I feel better for a few months or years, something can trigger the C-PTSD stuff and I am back at square ONE. I have grown weary of that.

Thanks Rain, I am finding that many peoples' posts here resonate with me too. It's crazy how similar my life has been.

Kizzie, I have both emotional and visual flashbacks. Both PTSD and CPTSD, sort of entangled.

First major abuse that I remember (very young age) was sexabuse by sibling and ended with a traumatic accident (not caused by my sib) where there was a lot of blood and involved stitches for me. Traumatic. Scared us both and the abuse ended. Before that I was having nightmares. Good that the abuse ended, but the threat of it didn't end until they left home.

Witnessed another traumatic event that involved death and had nightmares about that for about 4 years. (also witnessed many minor traumatic blood & guts animal type stuff because of rural living) I was diagnosed PTSD on a third major traumatic event unrelated to any FOO problems. All this occurred by the time I was mid twenties. Continued verbal abuse and bullying by various FOO members to date. Mid thirties, while M was making fun of me for being depressed, confessed to M that early abuse happened. M decided it wasn't true & I just made it up. That was my first NC with M & F.

My coping techniques: NC & LC off and on for life. FOO members acted abusive, I just wouldn't talk to them, would remove myself. I made a lot of noise in my 20's/30's telling them to stop it. Ignored. Invalidated. Blamed. Etc. Made it worse for me. More NC on my part.

More recently in life, spent about 15 yrs trying to 'rebuild' all these relationships, became enmeshed w/ one uNPD sib who ignores my boundaries and became dumping ground, which ended with out of control abuse(typical for this one) toward me. At this point, I decided that's ENOUGH. undiagnosed ? mother then made fun of me for being depressed about it. Natural consequence for that was me putting M on medium chill - didn't know there was a Name for that, but that's what I did. Went to Low contact w/ problem sib, then gave up several yrs later after M and uNPD sib tried to manipulate me (this after I told uNPD sib I would not tolerate them doing that) Now Very low contact with all siblings.

I won't go NC with parents now for various reasons, but when they are gone, will likely go NC with certain other FOO. Or maybe not, maybe it will just be LC and medium chill forever. Gossip has greatly affected (for the worse) relationships with extended family. As far as I'm concerned, I'm walking around WithOut a family. Very lonely at times, but I've built a good support system otherwise.

When I decided that's Enough, I started evaluating all the various therapy & T's I've had and my attempts to talk about all this throughout life. CBT is easy for me, I mean easy for me to tell my history, but no one really delved into the PTSD issues. Because of the recent CPTSD & depression over FOO which was too dark for me, I sought out the EMDR. I am soooo sick of the cycles of depression when I've made such great strides in the rest of my life and had such highs the last few years. Cannot tolerate meds anymore, may be Highly sensitive person. All types of meds mess me up, they are just too much. I've read that there's a medical test for this, and I wish it would become a mainstream accepted thing to try when patients complain about meds. A blood test can give doctors definitive reason to prescribe differently. Not that I think anymore that meds could 'fix' any of this. New T thinks she can help me with EMDR and thinks new stress may trigger early childhood abuse. Also thinks there may have been something before what I can remember.

The thing is, it really hasn't done anything for me to have an understanding about why PD's behave the way they do except to learn there are names for my coping mechanisms and that it was completely natural/normal way to handle it all. That's nice after decades of self preservation, but being guilted for it. But, understanding PD's doesn't really take away the pain. It still hurts that there's been so much unnecessary viciousness toward me, I'm still grieving. Learning about my own processes in CBT hasn't changed them. I'm hoping EMDR can help change that. I do believe I don't have to keep doing this depression forever. It is messing with the good mojo I'm building up.

Maybe eventually I'll take up reading suggested here, but I am getting triggered reading some posts here and wondering if my last depression could be deeper because I have reading since the last FOO event. It's hard to tell right now.

I'm having a problem with past memories ALL coming up when I see FOO. And I mean everything bad that's ever happened in my life, all of it, all at once. I am usually able to move out of this in a day or two or a week when I see FOO, if I don't talk about it. But when I think about it, study it, try to research it to figure out what happened or research PD's, talk about it, write about it, it makes me worse. This is what happened the last visit and I went into a real depression again for about 6 weeks.

I tried walking, visiting friends, trying to stay busy, but none of that was working and I couldn't concentrate. Then I found OOTF and did a lot of reading. When I was just sitting here staring at the computer because I couldn't think, I upgraded my cable to get new movies and that made my brain move and I started to improve.

I went to my CBT and talked to him about PTSD symptoms that I've had earlier in life, nightmares, being stuck in the past, recurrent thoughts and this big ball of bad that comes up all together and if there was some different kind of therapy that could work better. He suggested I make an appointment with a T who does EMDR.

Last night I went to my first session. I was able to go with the flow for maybe a third of the treatment and otherwise got stuck. She said I was trying too hard to make something happen and I thought I was supposed to stay on the same memories or time period throughout. Anyway, it didn't go that great and afterward we talked about that and how EMDR works and problems with my family. I told her that I would try again now that I understand how it works and have another appointment.

My concern is this: I had big hope that this would break something loose and get my brain to process this stuff so I don't have to spend the rest of my life in misery and I'm afraid that if it doesn't work, I will do just that. I really want to shuck the past.

I wanted to make comments on OOTF, but I can't divulge this kind of stuff online as some FOO seek this kind of thing out. I have one FOO member also doing a lot of internet research trying to diagnose another member (AND also trying to pin a PD label and traits on me that don't fit, which I guess is typical projection) and I'm pretty sure they BOTH have the SAME kinds of PD problems. I've been diagnosed with major depression, dysthymia, PTSD and anxiety at different times throughout adulthood, but never personality disorders.   

Wondering if anyone else has had EMDR and if it helped.