Messages

[Freeze/Disassociation topic]

June 26 I replied openly to a thread by a FOG member, indicating we'd had previous contact. I also sent that member a PM, because our histories (as discussed on FOG) were so similar. It was uncanny how often we ran in parallel.

June 28 someone called me lovable and I replied: "Lovable Leah, that's me." That was my username on FOG and I had nothing to hide.

So my first PM was from my sister Soul Who Understood on the other side of the world -- and my second was from the Cperson.

C. to Southbound on: July 04, 2015 

Hello Southbound,

I've consulted w/the moderator team and there's a concern that since you've joined OOTS your posts have not adhered to our member guidelines.  Specifically, the guidelines about flooding, due to the length of most of your posts.   Also, you were banned on OOTF.  Since both sites work closely together that is concerning.  However, this is a new board and a fresh start.  I encourage you to review and follow the member guidelines.  I appreciate your enthusiasm and interest in healing.  Thank you.

C.

"You talk too much and you have a Record." Ouch!

I signed up to the forum in June, soon after discovering my father had died a couple of months earlier -- and no one had told me. I felt pretty bummed out by that. I had been preparing for yet another legal battle over the fraud that deprived me of my home and retirement income 15 years ago, but that had to be put aside. The forum was light relief for me.

Next thing was pulling out of university in my third and final year. My concentration was shot. If I carried on, I was going to bring down my GPA at best, slog on to outright failure at worst. I agonised over the decision but it was an immense relief and I haven't regretted it for a second, particularly as I can return in February if I want to.

September 2 younger sister The Phantom showed up, was Put Out to discover I was aware of our father's death in April, and vanished after a please-go-away riposte. I've been forced to play defence all my life, doing great harm to relationships and career while moving from one place to another.

Couple of weeks later, the bike accident in which I got the right side of my head bashed in, risk of post-operational blindness, disorientation from concussion. The day after the accident, as a surgeon told me about the procedure: "You'll want to talk this over with your family." Right after surgery: "You'll need to take a step back and let your family care for you for a change." That would be because I had (and still have) the concentration span of an ant and wasn't safe to light the gas, presumably. What I didn't have was the kind of family who would give a toss about me going blind, or step in to prevent me inadvertently setting fire to my home.

At the end of September my T got an email from The Phantom, one she apparently wrote with her mouth full of marbles and a stick up her arse. It began: "I have reason to believe you may be currently treating my sister, Southbound.  [...] I continue to be very concerned for Southbound's wellbeing, and a recent email exchange I had with her hasn't allayed those concerns."

She writes posh, eh? You don't need to be the world's best T -- which mine is -- to feel your bowels move at Phantom sincerity.

There was a paragraph telling my T (from 2000km away) about her own troubles, then some gems:
"I know Southbound struggles on a number of fronts and I really would like to help her." Please, Phantom, you've 'helped' me enough.
"I don't want anything to impact negatively on your therapeutic relationship with Southbound, and believe it wouldn't be good for her to know I've contacted you." It wasn't great for you, I guess, but it was fine for me and T.

My T gave it to me and I knew it wouldn't be the end. It never is, with The Phantom. Block her, she escalates. Ignore her emails, she escalates. Reply to her, she escalates. Show any sign of distress, she escalates. I changed my forum signature to remind myself Little Sister would be dogging me here indefinitely.

Sure enough, four days after I got out of hospital following surgery for a compound zygomatic fracture, and while I was still 'eating' through a straw, I got a brief sinister email taking issue with a specific detail I'd posted on the forum. I had a lot to talk about, I couldn't get out to go to my T, and I was making 100 old-person-with-dementia jokes a day all by myself.

I and another writer of long posts discussed our survival strategy, as children, of explaining every little detail. Some members get away with long posts; others don't -- and the cperson had her eye on me from the day I self-declared. It had been a while, and any feeling of security naturally puts me on my guard, so I wrote that I hoped the mods wouldn't simply pull the plug on me one day.

Freeze/Disassociation topic
« Sent to: Southbound on: October 27, 2015»

Hello Southbound,

I wanted to let you know that I went ahead and deleted the part of this response where you mentioned being warned by mods and hope to be let know before pulling the plug.  Please know that yes, of course you would be notified of any concern.  Also if you have questions or concerns w/the moderation of the board the appropriate way to communicate would be to do so in a PM, not publicly in a thread.  It's important to keep a sense of community and safety for everyone. 
+blah blah blah

C.

Soon to be followed by a PM from Kizzie that surprised me, after the warmth of her previous ones.

You have received a warning
« Sent to: Southbound on: October 28, 2015, 05:33:57 AM »

Leah - Your signature line has been removed. You were given an informal warning about bringing moderation issues to the forum by C and your response was to include a signature line about Big Sister watching you which would be viewed by any member reading any of your posts. Once again this violates the same guideline and as such, you are now being issued a formal warning. 

Kizzie

My signature had been up before C. bopped me over the head again, and it took 24 hours for the penny to drop. My signature wasn't about The Phantom, misuse of government files or me, it was All About C. Of course, I should have guessed. 

I thought I had a happier relationship with Kizzie, but she didn't even quote my signature right. Little Sister, not Big Sister. I suspect C. had already removed it in a fit of rage, then wanted Kizzie to give me another warning. Or, ironically, to tell me why I was being !Watched.

Basically a rerun of my eviction from the FOG Forum, where I pointed out that the word cperson had proliferated all over the forum overnight like mushrooms, and that a post of my own now informed another member: "You're not a person, of any kind." Yep, someone (maybe a person? lol) had taken exception to the word loser.  I got muted for giggling in school. I should have sent a PM to the mods rather than point it out in the open -- as if other members wouldn't notice their own posts saying they were "getting cperson to a resolution" or that they wished they lived "cperson" to their Significant Other.

At the time I was leading a series of scapegoat threads that were mighty fun, drew lots of responses, and took up hours of my time each day. The threads concerned were
LostLeah's recovery journal http://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=24572.0,
Recovery for the family scapegoat http://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=26118.0
After the last straw http://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=28215.0
When scapegoats fight back  http://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=29446.0
... and the scapegoat walks free http://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=30337.0
Scapegoats: where's the exit?  http://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=30678.0
Scapegoats who know who know the truth http://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=31117.0
Ground Control to Major Scapegoats http://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=31566.0
FOO scapegoats. Is recovery possible? http://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=31828.0
and Scapegoats finding our way home http://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=32276.0

I cared about all the people on those threads. While muted I was still able to change my username, I just couldn't post. Changing it to Muted Member was the only way I could let the rest of the goatherd know I'd been stood in the corner and was having the equivalent of a kindergarten time-out. Please carry on, my loves, I'll be back some day soon.

First thing every morning is forum time for me. After I'd made my coffee and booted up the next day, this is what I saw:

Sorry Muted Member, you are banned from using this forum!
Various Guidelines infractions. Trying to bait the mods into a public squabble.
This ban is not set to expire.

"Trying to bait the mods into a public squabble"? Only a person could dream that up then blame me for it. Not just blame me, ban me ... for life. As an interpretation of my motive it fell a very long way from the truth. And, of course, it left my online friends thinking I'd abandoned them for ever, as can be seen in the last of my scapegoat threads there.

No difference in what's happened on Storm: C. convinces herself the signature below must be All About Her, has a hissy fit and gets Kizzie to warn me again.

OOT-anything forums are as psychologically safe as quicksand full of crocodiles. Your motives are interpreted for you. You're thinking and doing what some Cperson says you're thinking and doing. Your name change (when you could do nothing else) was "baiting the mods". Your signature was having a pop at her. You must be shut off from all your cyberbuddies for fear of contamination.

Sound familiar? It's pretty much what happened with a covert N-mother in my FOO.



_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Big Brother may be watching all of us. I know for a fact that Little Sister is watching me!

[!Watched]

For someone who's being !Watched at 10 per cent (whatever that means), I'm not being !Watched very closely, am I? I have only five posts on the board now. Kizzie, bless her, removed the Self-destructiveness one -- the only one of my thread starters that I couldn't modify.

I'm having a ball with the other five, and clearly no one on the forum is !Watching. I can write at great length, as I did yesterday. And I'm encouraged by the 10 per cent, because yesterday it was 15 and the day before it was 20. This suggests that when a couple more days have passed I won't be !Watched at all by Storm moderators. After yesterday's tirade against C. I expected to find I'd been Banned and locked out of the forum today. But no, here I am. Provided no one stumbles across one of my five threads and replies to it or reports it, I can go on modifying indefinitely. Also, I spent much of yesterday racked with guilt over that post. I'm fully aware the people who run this forum also have C-PTSD, and are therefore prone to going off half-cocked like I do. All I can say, C., is that if you wait a few days, that post will change. I intend to keep rewriting my five thread-starters in order over and over as I heal myself of the darkness. If I'm not discovered and banned in the meantime, I may or may not return when the Watching stops to write one more thread about how good it feels for C-PTSD sufferers to start fighting back.

But this thread starter was originally about the Phantom, the one person I have to assume is still Watching. So Phantom, I will address you directly and continue the discussion here about that paragraph in my email to you on September 4. Here it is again:

Given our history, which of us has more reason to be wary of the other? You couldn't help waving your fanny at Robert even though you considered him "an idiot". Ditto with Michael, which to you was probably an improvement. Hey, you're welcome. Arranging to meet Eric when he and I were engaged. Asking to be introduced to Ananda, when he and I had been married less than a year. I'd spotted the trend by then so he knew what to expect.

I worded that very carefully, and the only unfair accusation is the first. You can't possibly know how hurt I was when you told me in 1979 that you'd had sex with Robert, presumably in my bed. I'd invited you to stay at my place because I was going on holiday and needed someone to look after the terrapins. I know what Robert was like. How could I not? He and I had been on-and-off for seven years, beginning when I was 17, and I idolised him. But it was him I dumped at that point, never to return. I continued seeing you as normal and swallowing my pain, because ElderSis was very vocal on the subject -- and as usual, my feelings didn't count at all. Yours did, of course.

I wish you hadn't told me in 1983 about Michael. He and I were well and truly over, so there was no need for you to say anything ... unless you were continuing the relationship, which you clearly weren't. I was less upset about the fact of it than that you'd told me. It was over for you as well; you got pregnant to someone else later that year, right? And I blew it off straight away. I remember us walking outside so you could smash one of my glasses to deal with your anger! Once we got to the road you chose not to, we went back in and you stayed the night. As I recall, attempting to eat raw onions in my bed, then chucking them out and screaming with laughter.

I was the sibling you called when you found out you were pregnant. I immediately took a taxi from my workplace in the city to that outlying suburb, sat with you and talked you through whether you wanted an abortion or not. You were in a terrible state, crying and repeatedly saying you had to get rid of it. I was watching your hand on your belly, and seeing a different story.

Nevertheless, I called the hospital and we went there by train and tram. The taxi from the city to your place had cost me a lot of money and I was struggling with my mortgage. I remember you thought it was funny when I said the terrapins and I were usually on an involuntary fast for a week before Payment Day each month. I knew they weren't going to operate that day; you apparently didn't. I simply didn't have the $$$ to do that trip by taxi twice in one day.

All we did was make an appointment. The nurse took me aside and said you were very distressed (as if I didn't know!), and she was glad you had a sister like me to get her through it. But what happened? Next time I rang, you said ElderSis and BIL would be taking you to hospital, adding that you couldn't face public transport. Next thing I knew, the whole episode was somehow my fault. It's possible you didn't actually say that, but I certainly heard it -- and you shut me out. You even played games. While you were staying with ElderSis and BIL you called me and said you were suicidal. Once again, I got a taxi from my place to theirs, thinking you were alone. What did I find? The three of you watching TV. I remember, incongruously, that you were in the corner nibbling on uncooked spaghetti. ElderSis took me aside and furiously told me how much trouble I was causing, and basically banned me from talking to you. Did BIL then drive me home, late at night? No, he didn't. All they did was call another taxi for me. I can't remember what that five minutes at their place cost me,  but I know for a fact I couldn't afford it.

1983 was also the year I got locked up. What precipitated that? I heard from Sonja that Mother had told her: "Southbound's always been jealous of Phantom, because she had whooping cough right after Phantom was born, and I couldn't go to her for fear of infecting the baby. It broke my heart to hear her whooping into a bucket all by herself."

Yeah, right.

Do you remember me teaching you maths? I was 11 or 12; you have always been either six or seven years younger, depending on time of year. You certainly hadn't started school. I would draw two circles, a + sign, and three more circles. You then drew five circles, and I praised you to the skies. No one said I was pushing you too hard. On the contrary, you would come to me asking to do "bubble sums", and I would drop whatever I was doing. If you indeed feel "enmeshed" with me, it was because at that age I was the closest thing you had to a nurturing mother.

So, knowing Mother was telling everyone I was out to get you, I became psychotic. I remember you bringing me the notebook and pen while I was locked up -- by far the best thing anyone did for me during those weeks. The following year I started travelling north. You will remember you showed up unannounced at one place I was living at. I don't know who gave you the address, although I can make an educated guess. That same person didn't contact me to let me know you were on your way; that would have wrecked her plan.

So I got home from work one evening to feed my dog and myself before going back to the newspaper office, and there you were with the weirdo whose house I was living in. There was no bedroom for you. Of course I could have let you share my double air mattress on the floor, but I don't think I can be blamed for not doing so. I was doing my damnedest to get right away from FOO. You immediately started up with the accusations you call "explaining". I showed you the door, and cried as I watched you walking down the road in the rain. (Was there rain? That's the way I've always recalled it.)

Mother had exactly what she hoped for: incontrovertible evidence for other people that I'd "always" hated you. She brought it up again at the Great Gang Bang of 91: "Phantom tried so hard to get through to you. I'll never forget the state she was in when she came back. She was heartbroken."

What a great mother! She could have called me, or got someone else to call me, when you were on your way. How could anyone assume I would be able to house you while I was in transit myself? Do you see now that if you were indeed "heartbroken", as I can easily believe, it was Mother who set you up for it?

Incidentally, I also had a breakdown after the Great Gang Bang of 91. That time I hid myself and contained it, determined not to get locked up again, because Dad had told the Gang Bang 'mediators' he thought I had brain damage, and cited my previous incarceration to make his point. But it was a very rocky ride for me. It's the only explanation I can think of for taking up with Eric.

You may or may not know Eric worked in a factory. He and I went there one weekend because he had to do something; he and the boss were mates and he was free to come and go. At first I sat outside in the car, but he was gone a long time so eventually I walked in. I couldn't see him, so I went into the office (the kind that's full of big-tit posters) to sit down. Right there on the desk was a scrap of paper: "Call Phantom" -- your first name and our surname -- and a phone number.

Eric and I had a major row on the way home. We were engaged, right? He told me straight out that he had contacted you, and he'd already seen you. I cried non-stop for three days; I remember looking in the mirror at one point, and I've never before or since seen eyes like that on me or anyone else. Once again you'd put a spanner in the works. I'll tell you now I'm very glad I didn't marry him for all sorts of reasons, but you can't expect me to thank you for that. At the time he and I were very happy. Things were never the same afterwards, and eventually we split.

Finally, asking to be introduced to Ananda. He stayed briefly with ElderSis and BIL in March 2006. It was ElderSis who told me you'd called and asked to be introduced to him, and that he'd refused to go to the phone. From ElderSis's point of view, this was my fault for whatever I'd said about you.

He was with them again on his way back to England mid-2010. This time you spoke to him, telling him you wanted him to listen to what you had to say about me. You can't possibly have forgotten that Voice telling you: "You aren't getting into my pants."

Your reply to me on September 7:

Also re. That paragraph: I suspect you're feeling a whole lot better for getting it off your chest. You're welcome. If only you could have eye-balled me and spat it out 40 years ago. Better late than never. If it's helped you now then my initial email hasn't been totally in vain.

Phantom, in 1975 you were 11 or 12. I'm reasonably sure you hadn't slept with any of my partners then. The earliest I could have written that paragraph in its entirety was in mid-2010, when believe me, I had much worse stuff to contend with. I became homeless at that point, was in boarding houses or other people's spare rooms for three years.

And what a hostile paragraph, "eyeballed and spat it out" -- considering your behaviours over 30 years and what you subsequently wrote to my T about wanting to "help" me!

Same email, two paragraphs later:

Re. Our email exchanges in 2013: (I reckon I'm Muggins!) My remarking on our profiles (and music, etc.) was my clumsy attempt to reconnect with you. [BTW, a friend gave me the album 'Dub Side of the Moon' recently, it's a hoot!]  It was too hard for me to immediately engage with your dysfunctional family stuff when we've barely spoken for so long. (Eeek, bit of a JADE there!)

You acknowledge it was "clumsy". Next sentence, you do exactly the same again.

I haven't missed the fact that you're well up in dysfunctional-FOO parlance. The trouble as I see it is that you still believe I'm the source of all your troubles. You decided I was the N in our FOO, right? In case you haven't worked it out, I see our mother as the reason there are three Disturbed daughters, none of whom provided grandchildren; and a GCbro who keeps himself very busy with work and his FOC so he doesn't have to deal with what went wrong for all of us. Further, I long ago identified Dad as her secondary scapegoat; she convinced all of us he was the bad guy. I know differently, because he was good to me for a very long time after I stopped seeing him and Mother. True, his main agenda was to bring me back for Mother's sake (so she could brutalise me all over again, presumably), but he offered to pay for therapy after the Great Gang Bang of 91. He rang back five minutes later and said they couldn't afford it. Nor could I, obviously, but it was a Must if I was to stay out of the psych ward. I have no doubt who "changed his mind".

As I've said to you, I was thrilled to hear from you at the beginning of 2013. Until that point you could have got a giant hug (and no doubt tears) from me at any stage.

Your most recent email, October 23:

Re. Our recent email contact: You think I'd want to hurt or have a go at you?  Why on earth would I want to? 
[snip]
What on earth do Mum's alleged smear campaigns consist of?  You seriously believe she has that much power?

Signs of hysteria: "Why on earth..." "What on earth..." Well gee-whiz, Phantom, you figure it out!

You underestimate Mother, or you wouldn't still be calling her "Mum". I know she's 85, recently widowed and has osteoporosis, but as I've said before, she started on me when I was pre-verbal so I have no sympathy for her now. I would have, if she'd responded differently to our (hers and my) email exchange December 2012 to whenever she stopped replying.

And then you popped up again. Coincidence? Maybe you just saw my email address in the Christmas card I sent to her and Dad. My therapist suggested it, because I showed up to my session in tears having just heard a Christmas song Dad used to sing, and by that time I knew he had alzheimers and would never call me again.

I know Mother's capable of using the internet and of making phone calls to relatives in England. Recent contact with two of them has shown beyond doubt that they still believe everything she says about me. She could find my number in White Pages Online and call to apologise. I would prefer she not do so.

The same applies to you. 
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Big Brother may be watching all of us. I know for a fact that Little Sister is watching me!

Post by Southbound removed...

... by Southbound. 


_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Big Brother may be watching all of us. I know for a fact that Little Sister is watching me!

[Self-destructiveness]

No "remove topic" button. No "modify" on my Self-destructiveness thread. What the * do I have to do to stop being !Watched?



_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Big Brother may be watching all of us. I know for a fact that Little Sister is watching me!