Messages

Welcome.

Hi Charlena, glad you are here.

Hi. New here. Am reading Complex PTSD by Pete Walker which describes what I've been going through most of my life. I have much to be grateful for and try to focus positively but am dealing with anxiety, insomnia, dread, which I now understand are connected to my difficulties in childhood.

As a 1 year old, my father started chasing me down our hallway, yelling at me at a time when I could not understand his rage or even his purpose. I would disassociate (leave my body) and end up in bed waking up crying, realizing what had happened but unable to account for the period of when my father started chasing me to when suddenly I was waking up crying. In addition, he often verbally abused me, especially at the dinner table every night and often when I was showing happiness for positive things that were happening. He didn't like to see me winning evidently. He was an alcoholic and ragaholic.

I am thankful for a mother who cared but was also an alcoholic and though she did not do everything right I knew she loved me and that has meant a lot of me over the years.

I was happily married for 35 years but my husband suddenly passed away. A lot of my neuroses seem to have returned and the abandonment grief has returned very hard.

I am doing my best to survive. Going to 12 Step groups. Keeping socially active.

I am grateful to have found this group.

Blessings to all.

Betrayal is a big topic. I feel my father did betray me because he never fathered me and expressed hostility instead of love. My mother gave me love but let me down in preparing me for being an adult. She didn't teach me to take care of myself fully and once I hit adulthood I was not prepared for the responsibility it took.

I have forgiven both my parents and they have both passed on. But I am left continuing to working on healing myself. My recently finding Complex PTSD has been helpful to that end.

I believe we are all in one way or another to varying degrees hurt children.

I try to remember that and it helps me feel more kind to a world that seems ever more hostile.

What a tragedy that spammers and bots are interfering with people trying to survive and thrive. I hope we find a way to overcome this problem. I am having trouble dealing with constantly typing in letters and questions merely to post. Trying to be patient. Often get the letters wrong and have to do 3 times.

Hi. I relate to what you are talking about. I was told once by a psychiatrist that my brain was missing it's rudder. Took me awhile to understand what she meant but now I agree with that. I have trouble directing myself and get easily stuck and feel unsure what to do.

But my power tools are a pen and paper. Once I have a pen and paper I can write down what to do and then can direct myself. I have to keep checking it twice to see where I'm at. I love checking off boxes.

So I feel helpless about directing myself until I sit down and take stock. But do believe it is from damage done to me in childhood.