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Dear Shearwater,

You are welcome, and no worries re the reply time, its good to hear how you have been finding things! I am so pleased for you that you are enjoying your course, and that you are getting the support you need from your T and working through things. How this is helping you cope with all the new challenges!

Wish you well with your next semester! I was just going to write something about confidence and focus, (as I can relate), but thought I'd ask you instead: Of what your thoughts are on what comes first out of those two things? Be interested to see what you think from your experiences, as I was just thinking about how they maybe inter-related..

Wishing you a Happy New Year!

Bluepalm, Ah thanks for sharing your experiences and I look forward to hearing what you think of the book!

I understand how you must feel having been denied expression of yourself by your then husband, and feeling erased and invisible by someone you must have loved. It must have been awful for you.

It is comically absurd looking is'nt it, the reasons why he or, why anyone needs to do that! Sounds like you were between a rock and hard place and I am glad for you that you managed to get out of that situation.

The comic framing though feels like it helps you! but yes despite this the impact is very real still. It kind of takes the wind out of ones sails.

I am pleased that painting comforts you and you feel alive with your creations!! It is so affirming when you put a part of yourself out into the world to be celebrated!! Well done with developing the skill you are pleased with, and working across the mediums aswell!

I think I am going to try and adopt and integrate the comic viewpoint a bit more to my own situations if I may!? As its made me smile and resonates with me you see! Its funny isnt it how a sense of humour develops out of things like this!?

Hi Regret!

Yes its very affirming, validating, and generative of good feelings as you describe, just to be able to share in ideas around this! Its maybe that part of us in out inner child is getting that understanding. Not feeling so alone. As naturally the warmth and emotional needs would have been there in a healthy FOO.

I just re read your post and can relate completely and feel relieved to know I am not alone in being dumb founded when asked where i wanna be in five years time!

Errr...If only you knew is usually my first thought to that question! with a slight inner chuckle to myself at the perverse ridiculousness of that question!

I am really pleased you having good feelings around this, as they can pave the way for a 'different' sense of future do you think!?

Bluepalm, the paintings of yours and peoples faces sound really interesting! Particularly knowing what it means to you to be making them. The motivations for this. In exploring in flesh and blood what it is to feel alive at that time as a baby. That makes sense that you want to feel grounded and rooted, painting landscapes and gardens! I can relate to this! I like the freedom, joy and creative use of form and colour in the work by Mattisse and the fauvists for example. Very joyful and celebrating humanity! When I look at those types of works they make me smile inside! What are you painting onto... canvas, board?

It is really moving what you experienced as a baby, and how this must have effected you. As the story of your mother describing how she felt she had somehow failed your father with presenting you at birth, him turning his back. How her telling you this must have effected you. Alongside her telling you that she  left you on your own for long periods of time, easily it seems. It must be confusing and gut wrenching understanding why one would do this!?

I can relate to the sense of neglect you experienced in many ways, and a lot of the work I am doing now in therapy is in confronting the script that my parents needed to hold of me and project into me. As in their eyes (mind) I had to be less than  and serve as their scapegoat. So it effects how I relate to others now as it feels familiar. A lot of creative making I find helps me to slowly somewhat overcome this faulty script also. Its a way of externalizing the internalized.

I've been looking at a child development theory connected to creativity and the imagination that you may be interested in. Its by Donald W. Winnicott and can be found in a book called 'Playing and Reality'. Its certainly helped me with a theory of making, which for me has helped me feel more rooted as an artist generally. To develop meaning around my creativity. So I like to pass this on when I can! My T recommended it to me a few years ago.

I'd be interested to hear what you think sometime if you get a chance of course to have a look!

Wishes 

Hi Bluepalm

You welcome!

Its wonderful hearing you talk about how drawing and painting has in recent years has become a central part of your healing journey! Giving you the space to be in the present, you with the materials, where you can come out of the ruminating type thinking. I understand where you talk about

'And once a drawing or painting that satisfies me has come into being, I have something that is part of 'me' that I can see as lasting into the future.

It's wonderful creating something! What kind of things do you draw and paint can I ask!?... I am intrigued!

Dear Shearwater

I second Jdog's approach for you to consider becoming a teacher if it is really something you feel is for you!! 

To be aware that there will be challenges you will face. Like in any job but with CPTSD there are certain things that require the right support in place I have found. 

I teach at a university, which being in a part time role has given me the needed emotional space to do this. So my hat goes off to full time teachers. Although I would take a full time position if offered as I do love my job and working with students!

As I've found that benefits from the very challenges of working as a  teacher with CPTSD have provided me with the very rewards that I had not envisaged. Particularly standing in front of large groups of students has helped me overcome a lot of related inner/outer critic stuff and has helped me exponentially with confidence issues. This in turn has helped me overcome feelings of helplessness related to what many people struggle with in CPTSD.

To give you a realistic picture, this has not been without having to push through floods of tears on the street before giving lectures! and dreadful spirals of anxiety, shame and self doubt!  But this has all diminished over the years with practice to almost zero, as I have worked through a lot of CPTSD related issues. Plus with the support of my T, here, and through other sources.


I think as you have asked about how you would cope here, it shows you are already putting support in place and asking for it! If it helps, having the right support in place has been vital I have found. Also for me in recognising that I need support. Which I have worked on with my T over the years, and in developing back the trust in authority figures from damage in my FOO and to now ask for advice, particularly from my boss where I teach. This has been a vital learning curve, and a valuable relationship I have developed!

As (like jdog) the most challenging aspect I have had to face has also been in having weak boundaries, which as a result I have unfortunately attracted some unsavory colleagues and awful behavior directed towards me.  Which has been really distressing. and the reason I have wanted to leave many times. But I have kept going, which with my T help I've been able to work through things, and developed healthier boundaries, and ways of coping. In this sense, ironically this has really helped me fast track strengthening myself!
So over the last five years I've been trying to un-attract the wrong type of behaviors. Which I am pleased to say things have got much better.

My strength as a teacher again like jdog is that I have a deep sense of empathy for students also. A lot seem to come to me because I am a good listener and validate them as individuals! In a system which seems to value group identity over individual sovereignty! Which is really confusing for them at this age.


The subject area I teach in luckily I am also able to incorporate research and theories relating to creativity, trauma and therapy which comes out of what I struggle with and CPTSD issues and research. So my job has helped me look at things which are important to me and which I have turned into positives. My bosses also seem to value that I have an authentic and genuine approach in an environment which really is mostly competitive, where the values of care are not truly  at the forefront in peoples interactions. I have learnt to find those that are kind, authentic, and feel like they care! This simply helps develop meaningful relationships

So I wish you and Zeekoctane all the best with your journies!!! & would be delighted to share more with you if it helps!

Best Wishes

Bluepalm and others, I'd like to share my sympathies and understanding with you in suffering with this also. The effects of foreshortening, 'narrowing', memory loss, and ones development all ring true. It is devastating.

The feeling of loss  upsets me the most, and loss maybe encompassing all the above. I feel and think about this more as I get older and, as my reality comes into focus the longer I have been in therapy. I suppose a lot of losses have been as a result of both the abuse and missing emotional connections, and also having dissociated most of my life. The self then really is existing on unsteady ground, memory is really problematic, and as moonbeam wrote 'how can I have a future when I have no past?' Ah this if it helps really resonates!

I have found creativity (art making) over the years has really helped. In terms of bringing my self into the present through working with materials. It has helped somewhat to develop a sense of a vision and imagination beyond ruminating,. Although it is a struggle still, as my NPD parents although encouraged me strangely, they would then confusingly pollute the outcome!  So the sense of  hopelessness over time I can relate to as this was all encompassing unfortunately. 

The quote is really validating! Thank you for sharing! 

Thanks Not Alone and Hi!

Thanks for your welcome Three Roses! Much appreciated! and for sharing your experience by reiterating what Bluepalm said: about knowing that things were not your fault. You were injured like all here, we were not unwell. I don't know about you, but I find feeling that day to day, moment to moment is maybe one of the hardest things to do, to keep in mind somehow!? Amongst the triggers and then feeling in flight again!

Thanks again for the welcome and look forward to chatting with you further.

Yipee

Hi Bluepalm!

Thanks so much  for your warm welcome! Its so reassuring and welcoming!

The knowledge about yourself you describe, and in gaining objective distance over the years of work you did, I understand how empowering this must have been for you! It's interesting to hear how the daily work you went through with your analyst as a young woman turned things around for you, and your how this really saved your life! Its amazing to hear! As I get how important that must have been for you. How you describe that you know that you were injured and not actually ill!

Its reassuring for me to hear how you have found sharing your experiences, and contributing has helped you! That's good to know and inspires me to get sharing! Looking forward to talking with you more!

Wishes
Yipee

Hi there

I'd like to introduce myself to the forum...

It has taken me a little while to pluck up the courage to do this...Not without wanting to of course, as I have found this space an immense resource of reassurance over last few years. In reading conversations, and how healing this has felt. I now realize that it is important to be a part of the conversation and community, and that I want to work on my relationships. My esteem has recovered that I feel I may actually have quite a lot to offer!
I am sure that many of you may understand how the tendency to isolate can feel! I now feel ready to address things within my relationships. As I do isolate easily, just as a way of feeling safe and what my T says just feels (family-ar), although I really am a sociable person, which is frustrating! I have just had weakened boundaries over the years from letting in the wrong people over and over again. Out of feeling lonely I suppose.

I was the scapegoat, and youngest child in an UNPD family. It's a long story, but simply put there was plenty of physical, emotional, psychological abuse, awful gas lighting, which inevitably led to me developing PTSD around age six when my on eof my PD parents tried to kill me in a rage. Although the abuse had been insidious prior to this from a young age, things changed for me then, I became very good at dissociating! But somehow my T says that I kept myself strong inside. I remember I fought and fought, twisted and turned, minimized my abuse, developed the fantasy bond, but was terrified, as I am sure you can understand. Somehow, despite all this I still kept a certain degree of discernment, and knew something was not right but could not quite put it into words.

Where am I at now? Well I've been in psychoanalytic talk therapy for seven years, and one year in CBT prior to that. I have healed a lot of the shame and guilt around a lot of the abuse. I went NC for three years which was the hardest thing I have ever done. I am now back in contact and somehow developing a good relationship with my parents. Carefully working through things with my dad. They are elderly and both very unwell.
The therapy journey has transformed my life in many. ways which I'd like to share some more with members here if I can.

Fortunately, I have just got out of a very unfortunate and unhealthy intimate relationship. Which I feel was a very close call for me. As I managed to extricate myself from this type of situation for the first time in my life, I feel I have set the healthy boundaries I needed for myself. Which leads me to do more healthy things, and to write this here! As I have found since leaving the relationship really reflecting on why I get into these relationships and how I can meet healthier people! Any chats about this would be welcomed!

I'd also be interested if anyone has advice around coming out of a relationship with a PD person and experiences people have had about recovery! I have been looking into the forum about this, particularly about how we can trust our own sense of discernment of certain unhealthy behaviours if we have suffered gas lighting. This is the difficult bit for me in relationships!

So I'll leave it there for now, and just like to say hello!! Looking forward to chatting with you!