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BeHea1thy, thank you so much for  your reply to me back in August.    You helped me so much today: I just logged on after not having gotten any welcome for a few days until yours...back in August. Those days (with no replies, which the Forum even cautioned us about that possibility)  from anyone, I think, sapped and deterred me from logging on again until today. But today,... when I read your words, BeHea1thy, they were exactly what I needed!! Thank you!

If you see this post, I hope that it finds you well and that others are finding ways to give you the boosts of support, validation, acceptance and belonging that I think we all sort of crave.

GarlicMaster, you have my sympathies. NC is a hard decision. All I can tell you from my life is that in the end, it was not a decision but an inevitability. No other option was tenable.

I believe (for myself... and everyone has to live according to their own values) for me it was important to write and SEND a last (literally final) explanation of what/why/when/how and what I'd need in order to have a relationship going forward with my FOO. (Yep, I was the exhausted, tireless trier.) I wrote and edited that letter for over a month with a very close, emotionally-literate confidante acting as sounding board. My mother and father were basically unable to reply to it -- although it explained what I'd need in order to sustain a relationship with them and why.

The stark naked reality of this freed me to do what I probably already knew I needed -- and to do it guilt-free: I needed to remove myself from continual re-abuse, re-wounding, so I could heal -- because I deserve that!! For me, why go to the cupboard that is always emotionally bare? Do I think it's suddenly a Happy Grimm's fairy tale?    But I gave them the breadcrumb path back to me in case they ever worked with a skilled appropriate therapist.  After that, I told a therapist I was done working on family relationships because a relationship is two people (or more) and I was the only one working on it. He said, 'okay.'

Working on myself and my life and practicing healthy instincts for building relationships has gotten me a lot further than "managing" interactions with people who drain me and leave me constantly on guard and are, without regard to intent, simply emotionally unequipped to relate to me. I will not be inheriting -- that's for sure. I know some people who "manage" toxic relationships and get more and more sucked dry and become greedier and greedier due to wanting an inheritance. I can't survive and do that -- it's not my DNA. (Good fortune for my sister, huh!)

Figure out what you truly need and deserve in order to thrive. And grant yourself that... Living doing your best in the moment at every moment is surely all that can be asked.

Best to you!

Hi Confused75. Thanks for introducing yourself. It takes courage!  I read yours and wanted to do an intro for myself before replying so you can feel you know who is replying.

I appreciate what you wrote about feeling that with the CPTSD label, there's finally an explanation or life story that "fits." Are you proud of yourself for facing these things at such a young age? I'm proud of you. It took me until my 40s to understand that my family system was literally disordered... it was not "an issue to be worked out." Research and books on CPTSD and narcissistic abuse have gotten much better in recent years!!! Good for you for learning so early. And acting on it by seeking support. And doing whatever you had to to survive. Honor that fire in yourself.

Congratulations on rewriting your story in different ways. Every human has permission to do that as many times and in as many ways as benefits their well-being!  I'm no expert but noticed how great it feels to journal a more  self-compassionate story of my life to myself ... or more recently, share an empowered story of my life with someone who validates me.

There's a book you might like that helped me rewire and rewrite my story of my life... Byron Katie's Loving What Is. It has four questions you can ask about any thought that's causing you upset. I wrote out answers for lots of upsetting thoughts. It helps us find the false thoughts, the ones that don't serve us, so that we can choose better ones!  David Burns's Feeling Good Handbook (highly recommend!) has incorporated a version plus has a treasure trove of other scientifically tested steps for emotional health.

Sending you good thoughts and lots of congratulations on taking the steps you have... Keeping our eyes on the prize and on the fact that we innately (simply by being alive!) deserve healthy human connection and fulfillment ... is half the battle.

This feels like it takes guts all over again. Okay (breathe...) Hi, I'm LiveYourThrive -- a prime-of-life (40's), childless divorced woman full of gratitude for OOTF and now trying OOTS.

I used sister-site OOTF after consecutive nightmares that my life was in danger related to a covert NPD now-and-forever-EX-bf (three years on-off together). He (bright side!) comforted me in coming to terms with an emotionally abusive FOO (go figure! he knew the topic well and was actually going to therapy until of course ...he wasn't and it all blew up). My emotionally repressed FOO): 1) NPD subservient passive-aggressive mother in my younger years; 2) emotionally neglectful, controlling father and 3) dx (depression) older sister who became rageful at me post-adolescence. I dared to buck the family "system" and she long resented me.  I never "fit" -- am now NC with entire FOO for over two years.

I feel a bit desperate for support -- and hope -- on OOTS as I'm embarking on building a modest business and trusting my first relationship  post-NPD bf.  I'm a "highly sensitive" (highly affected by others' energy), charming/sociable (per others!) ENTJ; what that means for me is that CPTSD has felt incredibly debilitating to my instinct that wants to engage, CONNECT, shake up the world and create positive change.  I seem to venture out, actually do make change and connections and then -- WHAM! am utterly exhausted, the kind of "catatonically sit on the couch for hours with just the dog" exhausted. Consistent follow through is like carrying lead weights.

Does anyone out there have hopeful words and advice for being able to start a modest business and have a healthy dating relationship when you have CPSTD, you're NC with your entire family, entirely without love of family, children -- and friends mid-life are often over-busy with their own family and work interests. It feels lonely. How do you power onward with such a reality? I have a business degree, I'm entrepreneurial, I want a life partner and I'm ... so tired of being tired, and tired of not feeling strong enough emotionally somehow. p.s. I do have a dog. (He is  better than many people's family!)

Thanks for reading... Hugs to all!