Californian, I can identify with so many things that you wrote here. You also sound very mature for your age, I suspect the trauma also forced you to grow up way too soon. I am sorry that you suffered as a result of your F and M not being able to meet your needs/exposing you to physical abuse. I also grew up in an emotionally unstable, chaotic home and suppressed my trauma for so many years that, as 23 yo, I am just now coming to terms with. I can relate to the feeling of being a 'ghost' at times, when the memory of trauma just hits and you aren't sure what to do or feel. Also, the chronic feelings of disappointment and despair, like your life was stolen from you and you are not sure how to get it back ... that's normal for people who were in our situation.
I am fed up and planning on doing a DBT group full-time when I transfer to a new school. Just be lucky that you were able to make it through college without any major ups and downs in your schooling, honestly. From CPTSD/probable BPD, I bounced around with jobs and schools for years, but I am finally stabilizing and permanently moving away from my family. It took me 3 + years to realize that parenting M and other family and being repeatedly exposed to triggers has been stagnating and hurting me, even though my family -- like yours -- never had bad intentions, for the most part. Unfortunately they're just innately toxic.
We're also in a difficult stage of our lives, the 20s are supposed to be super fun and happy according to what TV/movies tell us but it's all BS, IMHO. The 20s are a weird time full of difficult changes, and it's hard enough without trauma/CPTSD on top of it. Just keep doing your best and don't lose faith in yourself, even on awful days. Seek DBT if CBT hasn't been working for you...but either way, definitely try therapy, ideally in a group setting so you can feel less isolated in your situation.
I hope that you'll check in with us and stay connected.
I am fed up and planning on doing a DBT group full-time when I transfer to a new school. Just be lucky that you were able to make it through college without any major ups and downs in your schooling, honestly. From CPTSD/probable BPD, I bounced around with jobs and schools for years, but I am finally stabilizing and permanently moving away from my family. It took me 3 + years to realize that parenting M and other family and being repeatedly exposed to triggers has been stagnating and hurting me, even though my family -- like yours -- never had bad intentions, for the most part. Unfortunately they're just innately toxic.
We're also in a difficult stage of our lives, the 20s are supposed to be super fun and happy according to what TV/movies tell us but it's all BS, IMHO. The 20s are a weird time full of difficult changes, and it's hard enough without trauma/CPTSD on top of it. Just keep doing your best and don't lose faith in yourself, even on awful days. Seek DBT if CBT hasn't been working for you...but either way, definitely try therapy, ideally in a group setting so you can feel less isolated in your situation.
I hope that you'll check in with us and stay connected.